Star Wars 9: Return of the Jedi 2
Palpy is back baby. How? Is it a clone?
A Sith Force ghost being brought back to life? Doesn't matter.
Besides, telling the audience the details would be boring exposition,
what are you gonna do, just write like a paragraph on screen at the
beginning to explain it? ...And what does it matter how he died and
came back? (Cut to the end of the movie
where everyone celebrates that he's dead and they all just assume
he's like, really, surely, dead this time...)
Palpy is back in the title crawl. What
a great way to reveal a twist, super exciting stuff, totally doesn't
undercut the intrigue or mystery of the opening of the film. They
use title crawl to explain something that is going to
become obvious, while
offering zero exposition about how/why he is back. Basically they just
reveal shit in the title crawl because it's Star Wars and they need a
title crawl, but they put no thought into how to use it.
Palpy's not just back, but he's got
1,000 Death Star Destroyers. So he sets off on his murderous rampage,
blowing up planets and revealing to the Galaxy the scope of his
power. Just kidding, he sends like a galactic voicemail message? He
announces to the universe that he's back...while his fleet is still
grounded and vulnerable...because?
Where did they get the manpower to
staff 1000 death star destroyers? From the sith planet? The Sith
planet that looks like it's made of ruins and lightning and ghosts?
Are we saying that in the mystery realm, secret uncharted lightning
planet, full of sith ghosts...that they've got like a billion
contractors manufacturing all the space toilets and star destroyer
cafeterias? Or is Palpatine using Sith magic to conjure up star destroyer toilets? Hilarious.
Member the whole “arms dealers”
thing from The Last Jedi? J/K the whole Sith fleet is just made in
the shadow realm or whatever...oh and they have MORE advanced
technology in the secret shadow realm!
Why is the massive fleet all just on a
planet and not in space? Like, is it too hard to have them deployed?
Is it some kind of logistics/supply problem? I ask because...well
they didn't seem to have any problems manufacturing a thousand of
these things that are each more sophisticated than the Death Star...
But then they leave them on the planet where they can't activate
their shields and are totally super vulnerable. And they can't take
off because they need a beacon to know which way is up? Because it's
full of gravity wells or some shit? So the whole last act of the film
is set around the idea that the 1000 super advanced ships can't just
fly up, that they need a beacon or guidance. Keep in mind that this
is their home planet, and they can't even try to navigate their
way...up.
Meanwhile thousands of rando good guys
show up and can fly around no problem. But the fleet that is fucking
from there has no idea how to fly up?
When the good guys discover the
existence of this Super Mega Massive fleet in the uncharted, unknown
region of the galaxy, on some secret Sith planet that they have to
track down multiple Macguffins to even find...they immediately
somehow know intricate details of how the mega massive fleet works,
requiring beacons, and knowing where the beacons will be and how to
take them down. That's like Columbus arriving in the New World, and
the Native Americans see his ship and are like “We have to murder
them before they give us all smallpox.” (Hey! There's an idea,
maybe instead of more giant super weapons, maybe...just maybe, you
could have something different happen, like a biological weapon. Sithphylis!)
Hey Disney, I've got an idea for another Star Wars spinoff movie. It's called Rogue Two. It's all about how the rebellion figured out how the like beacon things worked.
Hey Disney, I've got an idea for another Star Wars spinoff movie. It's called Rogue Two. It's all about how the rebellion figured out how the like beacon things worked.
Just imagine if your enemy announces to
the world that he's got a massive new set of super weapons, but
they're all in one place, defenseless, and useless, and he's
announcing it really loudly for all to hear during this period of
vulnerability for no good reason . . . You would assume that this is
the galaxy's most obvious trap of all time. (Cue up the fake underage
girl from To Catch a Predator shouting from the next room: “I'm
just gonna change into a bikini, you help yourself to a Mike's Hard
Lemonade!”).
Why doesn't Admiral Ackbar's son,
Aftab Ackbar, immediately shout “It's a Trap!” At the very
least, why isn't everyone really suspicious about this being a trap?
Why do I as a first-time viewer feel like I've put more thought into
the movie than any of the writers? If you're thinking right now,
“okay, that's a bit harsh.” I'd like to point out ... Aftab
Ackbar is not a joke I made up. He's in the movie!
So the plot boils down to a series of
Macguffins: go to a place to find a thing, but to understand that
thing, you need to go to a place and find a guy, and then you'll
understand that thing and it'll tell you how to get to the next place
to find the next thing, which will lead you to the secret planet.
Why did someone make a special knife,
with ancient Sith writing on it, for the purpose of being a clue as
to how to find a thing on the wreckage of the second death star? Like
who is making this thing? Why? Who are they leaving this trail of
breadcrumbs for? Is it the Emperor? Pulling all the strings and
leaving the clues to lead the main characters into a trap? Except,
he's also the emperor who really super doesn't want anybody to find
the secret planet where his massive fleet is completely vulnerable
and useless. We also know that Kylo didn't make it. So like, there's
somebody with knowledge of secret Sith stuff who's leaving these
clues behind...because?
The special dagger clue is only useful
if you are standing in one exact place, and if the death star never
moves or deteriorates in the constantly crashing waves. Yet the main
characters just use it without needing to be in the right place? They
just are there? Why hasn't the death star been reduced to scrap in
the waves? Wait, why isn't it already just tiny pieces after we saw
it explode into millions of tiny pieces at the end of Return of the
Jedi?
We know Kylo worships Vader, is
like a fanboy who has Vader's helmet. We also see him seeking out a
Sith wayfinder...but there's a sith wayfinder in the Emperor's throne
room on the Death Star 2...Why didn't Kylo find that already?
In the desert, why does Kylo fly so low
and try to ram Rey? Is he trying to run her over? Isn't he trying to
turn her? So what is this manuever supposed to achieve? Why not just like shoot her from a distance? Obviously his
real motivation here is that he's being stupid so that Rey can do a
cool backflip thing.
We're 9 movies in to a series that's
almost entirely about turning to the dark side, or resisting and
staying on the light side. The path to the dark side is tempting and a slippery
slope. Yet 9 movies in and we still haven't seen a good depiction of
what it means to be tempted by the dark side. Like, why is it so
tempting? Why would a character that's repeatedly shown that they are
good and pure be afraid that they would somehow be turned into child
murderers? What would tempt them to do that? As far as I can tell,
the entire series revolves around bad guys attempting to turn good
guys to the dark side. Palpatine turning Anakin, Vader/Palpatine
trying to turn Luke. Snoke/Kylo/Palpatine trying to turn Rey. Yet in
all of their grand planning, 9 films worth of Palpatine pulling the
strings, the grand plan they come up with is to have a really
obviously evil, devil-looking mother fucker, say creepy shit and hope
that a few words will make the good guy decide that, “sure, okay,
I'll start murdering children for you.” Hilariously, this actually works one time.
What you could do, is really illustrate
the slippery slope. Show how doing a little bit of evil, embracing
your hate/anger actually makes your more powerful, and you feel more
powerful, and how that changes you. In Return of the Jedi this is
manifested as Luke basically being able to swing a lightsaber a bit
harder. In Revenge of the Sith, Anakin turns to the dark side and
starts murdering children because a guy who just transformed into a
demon in front of him promised to teach him how to cheat death (but
then doesn't teach him that?). In this, Palpy again just looks like
the devil and tries to say evil shit to a girl who wants nothing to
do with him or his stupid powers.
Why not do something like show that if
she embraces her hate/anger/dark-side she could gain more abilities.
Like, maybe she does a mean thing, but then gets more power and can
suddenly use that power to heal people. Maybe you could put someone
she loves in serious danger/pain/dead and the only thing she can do
to save them is to embrace the dark side at least a little bit to
achieve that power? Or you know what, instead, let's just have her be
able to heal for no reason. Yeah, let's go with that. How does she
learn it? Doesn't matter. Remember when a dude became Darth Vader in
the hope of achieving that power and then never was able to get it?
Yeah, she can just do it. Oh and let's have her get Force Lightning
powers too. By going a little evil and then getting a new power, thus
illustrating how the dark side is tempting? No, actually it'll be by
doing something good, but then a little lightning squirts out like
when a pregnant lady laughs and pees a little bit.
Rey goes out of her way to heal a sand
worm/snake thing and heals Kylo because, even though he's like a
Space Hitler, she's pretty sure he's got a heart of gold and wants to
make out with him. Yet elsewhere in the film she's fine with letting
tons of Stormtroopers die like they don't matter at all and aren't
people. In fact, she sometimes uses the Jedi Mind Trick so they can
get past some guards, while other times they just fucking shoot them
in the face. Good thing we know Stormtroopers are all evil. Oh but
one of the main character good guys is a stormtrooper who turned
good, and then we meet a lady who tells us about how a whole unit of
stormtroopers defected...but then our heroes continue to murder them,
even when it's not even necessary.
Speaking of Stormtroopers doing the
right thing and not following orders... Remember how like a major
part of The Last Jedi was that one of our heroes had to learn a
lesson to...umm...blindly follow orders.
Member how the resistance is whittled
down to like 14 people at the end of The Last Jedi? This movie starts
and we're just back to being the same rebellion again, with no
discernible difference really, and apparently with enough power that
going to take out 1000 death star destroyers is doable (with a little
help from "people"). The resistance was down to 14 people and their entire fleet destroyed, and then Palpy sends his voicemail that he has a massive mega fleet that's way more powerful than the First Order which has already wiped out the resistance fleet. And their response to this news is to just go on a series of side quests to find the massive mega fleet, because once they know where it is, they can totally take on that fleet directly . . . Why not spend some of the plot of this movie showing how they got their strength back up. Like maybe there are stormtrooper units defecting, people are rising up against the forces of tyranny. You could show why these people have been inspired, why they have hope now. Is it because they believe in Rey? Do randos all over the galaxy even know who Rey is? She walks around at Burning Man next to Chewbacca and nobody recognizes her. So why do they have this hope? Was it because of what Luke did at the end of The Last Jedi? Cause, I seem to remember that what he did was he was a ghost and people shot at him but missed because he was a ghost. Meanwhile the resistance was basically wiped out...so that's the point people were like "Yeah, you know what, I think I'll join. Back when they had a fleet and Luke was alive, I wasn't that into it, but now that it's a suicide mission just to even join, sign me up!" Instead of showing how/why anyody has hope, why people all over the galaxy suddenly decide to fight (which is like the whole point of the end of the film) insted we get video game side quests and one-linery quips.
So the fact that the rebellion is basically wiped out in TLJ is totally inconsequential, and even the idea of "no suicide missions" is stupid too because no matter what, when Palpy shows back up the whole fucking galaxy shows up to fight, so you're going to have basically unlimited manpower. In fact, a few suicide missions might be really helpful, like, you know, that part in The Last Jedi when the suicide mission is like the coolest visual of the movie?
So the fact that the rebellion is basically wiped out in TLJ is totally inconsequential, and even the idea of "no suicide missions" is stupid too because no matter what, when Palpy shows back up the whole fucking galaxy shows up to fight, so you're going to have basically unlimited manpower. In fact, a few suicide missions might be really helpful, like, you know, that part in The Last Jedi when the suicide mission is like the coolest visual of the movie?
Finn has a super secret he wants to
tell Rey when he thinks they're dying. But then he never brings it up
again in the rest of the film. Cool. His weird girlfriend, who we
learned in The Last Jedi is sexually aroused by car crashes, is in
this film too. She doesn't have anything to do, but she's there
still.
WE gotta save Chewie! – Because he's
such an important character, super vital to the rebellion, worth
taking additional risks on their mission to save the entire fucking
galaxy, you also need a side quest to save a geriatric wookie.
C-3PO can't translate a thing because
it's illegal? Like he has to follow the laws of the Senate? Wouldn't
aiding the fucking rebellion against that empire be illegal too? He's
been doing that for six fucking movies. He's like Trump, committing
treason on behalf of Russia on like a daily basis, but then suddenly
because you need the plot to do a thing, Trump is all “Actually I
can't download a movie on The Pirate Bay, that's illegal.” If 3PO
can't because it's illegal...couldn't you just tell him it's legal
now? In any case, the fact that his eyes turn red when he reads Sith
is fucking hilarious.
Palpatines' all “my grandaughter has
finally come to see me” and it's like he's in a retirement home.
Hilarious.
Palpatine is force lightning-ing an
entire fleet and overpowering Rey...but then she has a second
lightsaber...sooo he fucked... Why is two lightsabers all it took?
What if she went all Grievous and had 4 lightsabers? Totally
unstoppable?
Kylo and Rey then fucking make out
immediately. I laughed.
So Palpy somehow hasn't used this as a
giant ambush/trap, and the good guys actually take down 1000 death
star destroyers... After doing that...The First Order still exists?
Like the Empire that nearly wiped the rebellion down to like 14
people in the last movie, it still exists. So uhh... Oh but its taken
down all over the galaxy all at once by “people” just showing up.
Question: why did none of these people show up in the last movie when
they put out their distress signal? Now suddenly everyone shows up
because... Because Luke inspired hope by... you know, dying to
accomplish nothing? If anything, people showed up because Palpy sent
out his idiotic space voicemail, telling the whole galaxy that now is
the time to actually show up.
In A New Hope, some small fighters can
take out the giant death star because it has a fatal flaw that was
intentionally put there, then the secret of it was gotten to the
rebels. They made a whole movie about it. And then, even with the
knowledge of the flaw, it still takes a fucking wizard kid making a
one-in-a-million shot to destroy it. They made a whole movie about
that too. Also, before the attack, the small band of heroes escape
the death star because the bad guys are letting them go to track
them. That's right, the bad guys lay a trap and aren't just wildly
incompetent.
In A New Hope 2 and now in Return of
the Jedi 2, apparently just any small band of heroes with a millenium
falcon and a dozen x-wings can take out just about anything . . .
because. . . and can sneak in and out of gigantic enemy bases . . .
because. . . And the bad guys STILL haven't learned that small
fighters or a small band of heroes is a problem and build their
fleets as if they are gonna go fight in the battle of Jutland.
Adam Driver is so good but has been
totally wasted by this shit trilogy. Somebody cut together one good
movie out of this trilogy, just telling Adam Driver's storyline.
Which, if you look back now on this
trilogy...it's all ruined?
Force Awakens and the Starkiller
base...well in like two years Palpatine is coming back with 1000
death stars, so who gives a shit about this one super weapon?
The Last Jedi, they kill Snoke, but who
fucking cares, in like two years Palpatine is back with a 1000 death
stars.
Member how Kylo in TLJ was all, "the
Sith, the Jedi, let it all die. Join me." Yeah...so Palpatine
has a 1000 death star destroyers, so like...the Sith be coming back
baby.
They really wasted the characters.
Finn, a defecting storm trooper. Then what? He has an arc in TLJ
going from deserting to willing to go on a suicide mission because of
his chinese girlfriend? Then in this movie... has a secret that
doesn't matter...and gets a girlfriend.
Poe is barely in the first movie
because they want you to think he's dead. In the second he has to
learn a lesson about following orders blindly. In this
movie...he...gets a girlfriend.
And in the end, "knock knock,"
"Who's there?" "Rey." "Rey Who?"
"Rey Skywalker" – k, but
why?
Why not Rey Organa? She was closer to
Leia anyway. Why not... “Just Rey.” And say fuck all that
history. Instead...Rey Skywalker. Gotta insert herself into the
lineage known for producing fucking Vader and Kylo (and I guess a
failure of an old man in Luke). "Just Rey" – THE END.
Would have been better, but then the title wouldn't make sense. Fuck
this title anyway. A New Hope makes more sense, cause the whole point
is that the whole galaxy has hope and shows up to fight Palpy.
And this is the story of how they
finally, in the 9th film, really, surely killed Palpatine. Probably.
I mean, his ghost isn't gonna come back from that, right? Right?
Because...we don't know how he came back from dying the first
time...so the fact that they are all, “We definitely killed him
this time! That...two lightsaber trick definitely did it. I mean last
time he fell down a shaft, then exploded, and then the thing he was
in exploded...but this time, the 2 light saber thing, that surely
killed him for real. Let's Party!” is going to obviously remind you
of Return of the Jedi, when they...did exactly the same thing?
Partied thinking they killed him. They were mistaken back then
though...because...Reasons. But this time, we definitely killed him
for realzies.
You know who they should call to make
sure? The fucking Ghostbusters. Which...
Tell me if you've heard this movie
pitch before:
Star Wars 10: Ghostbusters 5
