Feeling Left Out, NBA Owners Lock Out Their Players Too

July 1, 2011

The NFL lockout has been going strong for months now (except for that two days where it wasn't?). Not to be outdone, NBA owners have followed in the NFL's footsteps and begun a lockout of their own.

"I'm not sure how this will end," said NBA commissioner and Phoenix Coyotes fan, David Stern, "to tell you the truth, I don't know what this will accomplish. But the NFL does everything right, so we should just have faith that we're copying the right people."

At stake is billions of dollars in revenue. Despite being one of the most important sports leagues in the world, the NBA has turned out losses in the hundreds of millions for three years running. The culprit? According to the owners, it's the owners. "We keep signing mediocre players to 7-year $60 million deals," said one owner, "we just can't help ourselves. We have to be stopped."

Dirk Nowitzki: The Next Randy Johnson?

June 28, 2011

Arlington, Texas

Dirk Nowitzki may have just led the Dallas Mavericks to the NBA championship, but he isn't resting on his laurels. Dirk signed with the Texas Rangers on Monday and is expected to start on Friday against Houston. "I used to play a lot of sausage tossing, the baseballs is similar," Nowitzki said on tuesday, "The shoulder feels good, I got the velocities. It's on."  

Nowitzki's imposing seven foot frame is reminiscent of Randy Johnson on the mound. Long arms are ideal for pitchers trying to accelerate a baseball in a fraction of a second. There aren't any longer arms in Major League Baseball than the angular German ones belonging to Nowitzki. 

Philadelphia Flyers Trade Entire Hockey Team For Baseball Players

June 27, 2011
Philadelphia, PA

On draft weekend, the Flyers shocked everyone by dealing away their two best players, Jeff Carter and Mike Richards. This week they have followed up by trading away the bulk of their roster for baseball players and draft picks at the MLB trade deadline. The move comes right after a fellow NHL franchise moved north of the border in search of better profits.

"We realized that we could make a lot more money as a baseball franchise," said Flyers owner Jim Warburton, "and luckily Philadelphia didn't have an MLB franchise."

"I'm crazy excited," said Philadelphian Charlie Day, "we're gonna have a basketball team and maybe they can be the green-men, and I could be their mascot."

The move isn't entirely unprecedented: The Buffalo Bills experimented with becoming a soccer team in the 2000s, but have since switched back, and the Colorado Rockies left the NHL to join the MLB.

The Flyers have a lease with the Wells Fargo (formerly Wachovia) Center to keep them playing in the arena through 2015. If they are unable to get out of the lease, the Wells Fargo Center would be the smallest park in baseball with center field being only 128 feet from home plate. "We're looking into using wiffle balls," said Flyers GM Tony Bronson, "or maybe putting up netting so that a homerun will have to be 300 feet up at the fence. We're calling that option the Net-Monster."

No word yet from the MLB whether they will allow the Flyers to make the Bo Jackson-like move.

Radical New Surgery Allows You To Eat an Unlimited Amount of Food and Lose Weight

June 24, 2011
Dallas, Texas.

A controversial new surgery is sweeping through the Dallas area and may soon be the fastest growing surgery in the country. What is it? It's called Esophageal Interruptus. To the layman, the surgery installs a valve in the esophagus which is attached to a tube that exits through the front of the neck. Whenever desired, the patient activates the valve and this intercepts any food or drink heading for the stomach and diverts it out of the body via the tube and into a plastic pouch worn under their clothes. Quite simply, you can eat and drink anything you want and not a drop of it will be digested.

"I had the idea one day while eating Skittles," said Dr. Raymore Schwinghammer, "I chewed them up and got all the flavor, then thought...why do I have to swallow now? Can't I get the flavor without the calories?" His invention, originally titled "Dr. Schwinghammer's Neck Hole Tube," has been implanted in more than three thousand Dallas residents.

Schwinghammer has partnered with the Monsanto Corporation to market the device under the new name The Interceptor.

"This could be the cure for the recession," said KFC spokesman, Arnold Honeyham. "We even introduced a new product, the 72-piece bucket. People come in and eat them by themselves."

Others aren't so excited. "It's incredibly wasteful," said environmental activist Jacob Brownstone. "People are eating ten times what they used to eat and getting zero nutrition out of it. Meanwhile people are starving."

When reached for comment, the Monsanto Corporation disagreed. "We take these plastic pouches of chewed up food, or leftovers as we call them, run them through an irradiator, and ship them to third world countries where people can buy them for a very reasonable price. They just squeeze out the paste and it's some good eats. This helps everyone."

This invention may be the answer to the obesity epidemic. Rather than exercising more, or at all, cutting back calories, or other simplistic approaches, the Interceptor allows people to remain gluttonous and lazy and lose weight, all while fighting world hunger.

Interceptors are set to go on sale nationwide in August.

G-Spot Is a Hoax, Women Everywhere Admit Today

The Lady Orgasm: Artist's Rendering

June 15, 2011

"One day, while we were fooling around a little pee slipped out," Gertrude Eisenbacher, 68, said, "and to cover my ass I just started screaming and told him he must have hit my G-spot. He totally bought it." Women across the world have admitted to the squirting and g-spot hoax today.

"Just blame an accident on the dude hitting all your right spots," Sarah Rodgers said, "they'll buy it every-time. One time I wrecked my boyfriend's car and I told him I was distracted by thoughts of his huge penis. He totally forgot about his totaled car."

Porn star Cytherea, famous for her squirting ability came forward this morning and admitted she was just peeing all over the place. This admission got the ball rolling worldwide. Dr. Graffenberg, the German doctor for whom the G-spot is named, really has egg on his face.

"Naw bro, I make the ladies squirt like clockwork," said Brosef Johnson, 24, "I don't buy it."

When reached for comment, America's most famous feminist, Sarah Palin, said, "Squirting? Is that when you cover yourself in maple syrup?"

"I knew this whole squirting G-spot thing was bullshit," said Polly Anderson, 26, an abstinence expert. "There's no way vaginas can squirt things. While I've never actually seen a vagina, I have on good authority, from the lord, that they are only to be used for producing bundled miracles, not for recreational squirting sex festivals."

Scientists in Britain claimed in 2008 that the G-spot was a myth. They were quickly rebuffed by French scientists who replied simply, "We fart in your general direction."

Our Universe Is A Third Grade Science Project

June 14, 2011

In New York City the sky opened up and a glorious white light shone down on Times Square. "Is this thing still on?" A voice boomed from on high. A hand the size of the statue of liberty reached into the masses and plucked out a handful of witnesses.

"I found myself in just a white empty space standing on this hand and talking to god," said Joe Bronson, a tourist from Phoenix. "I asked God what the meaning of life was," Bronson said, "he kind of mumbled something about a saved game and then changed the subject."

Another witness claims that God is only 10 years old and a third grader. "He told me that our universe was a science project," the witness said, "then he added, 'I got a C+.'"

When reached for comment, Keanu Reeves said, "I have always supported the postulate that our universe is likely a construct of a supercomputer in a higher dimension." Ever since The Matrix came out in 1999, stoners everywhere have been fond of the idea that our world is inside of a computer, but the disappointment of The Matrix Reloaded quieted those sentiments.

UPDATE
God returned a few hours later and answered questions. As to why bad things happen to good people, God replied, "My bad. You know your games like Simcity and Spore, yeah, it's kinda like that. I was just demonstrating that order can come out of chaos by setting the simple physics simulator on my dad's phone running all night. I hit the big bang button and then I fell asleep. When I woke up you guys were like praying at me and I had like billions of little prayer requests to read through."

Tyler; Artist's Rendering

A former atheist stepped to the microphone to ask God a question: "So Jesus, Mohamed, Moses, were you involved in any of those guys?" God replied, "Not me. My baby brother played with the game at some point, I know because there was drool on the phone, but I can't be sure what he did."

A devout Mormon took to the mic and asked God, or Tyler as he is called in his plane of existence, a followup question: "I always knew there was a good and loving god, thank you for being there for me." "Was that a question?" God inquired. The Mormon then rambled for several minutes about her feelings for god, coming close to sounding like sexual feelings at several points. "Yeah, that wasn't me," God said, "literally this thing has just been running on auto-pilot."

"Well now that you are here," Bob Trimers of Nashville, TN, asked, "can you do like the rapture and send us to heaven?" "Sorry, that's not really something I can do," God said, "I don't have the fantasy DLC, I didn't want to pay extra for that."

In the past hours, hundreds of thousands of suicides and murders have been reported across America's bible belt. "It turns out that they really did get their morality from celestial North Korea," Christopher Hitchens said.

So now we know there is no heaven nor hell. On the bright side, we know how the universe ends. "I'll leave the game running till the battery runs out," God said, "I can't find the charger, but it'll be like 15 billion years your time before the battery dies." So now we know, the universe runs out of power in 15 billion years, give or take, we all know how inaccurate those power bars can be.