Space Shuttle Atlantis Noncommittal on Retirement

July 22, 2011

Atlantis flexing the CanadaArm

Pulling a page from Brett Favre's playbook, the shuttle Atlantis won't say that she's hung up the SRBs for good. "The CanadaArm still feels good, there's oxygen left in the tanks, and the heat shield's still pretty intact," Atlantis said on Friday, "I feel good, I don't want to speak too soon."

In Vegas an interesting bet has seen a lot of action; Which will come out of retirement first? Favre or Atlantis? Currently Favre, the former Packer, Jet, Falcon, Golden Eagle, and Viking holds the line at 5:3.

Nasa has no clear replacement lined up and it might be more than seven years before a new system is developed. Favre also has no clear replacement in Minnesota. According to Scott Favre, Brett has been keeping in shape. "I think his goal is to die on the field," said Scott, the future hall of famer's younger brother, "that or die during a Wrangler commercial."

Update: Apparently the Eagles are interested in signing Favre. This is not a joke: http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2011/07/23/report-eagles-interested-in-brett-favre/

Firework Burn Victim Given World's First Taint Transplant

July 9, 2011
Victor, Texas

You don't need a degree in rocket science to know that a roman candle in the pants is a bad idea. Apparently you DO need a high school diploma however. Jerrmy Ronson, 21, a high-school dropout and local pest control enthusiast, found out on the 4th of July that Roman Candles probably shouldn't be strapped directly to the genitalia.

Like a scene out of a redneck remake of Caligula, Ronson strapped the roman candle to his nether regions in the midst of a Red Bull and Viagra and Vodka binge. "The goal was to be able to hold three roman candles at once. One in each hand, one strapped to my baby arm down there. It was good and sturdy."

Pictured: A Taint

However the chinese craftsmanship didn't hold up to Jerrmy's modifications. "She fired off two good shots, but then instead of a third it kind of just made a hissing noise." That hissing noise was the sound of a bad shot. With the barrel blocked, the next shot had nowhere to go. "Next thing I know, I'm laying on my back, my shorts are on fire, and my taint was lying on the ground next to me."

Doctors at Houston Regional Hospital were able to perform the first Taint transplant after two reconstruction attempts failed. "We tried using skin from pig ears to cover the genital-anus bisection, but they just wouldn't do.:

Luckily for Jerrmy, he was able to avoid a tainted life when another local man was killed when a bottle rocket fired up his nose and into his brain. The man's taint was successfully transplanted. A world first.

Feeling Left Out, NBA Owners Lock Out Their Players Too

July 1, 2011

The NFL lockout has been going strong for months now (except for that two days where it wasn't?). Not to be outdone, NBA owners have followed in the NFL's footsteps and begun a lockout of their own.

"I'm not sure how this will end," said NBA commissioner and Phoenix Coyotes fan, David Stern, "to tell you the truth, I don't know what this will accomplish. But the NFL does everything right, so we should just have faith that we're copying the right people."

At stake is billions of dollars in revenue. Despite being one of the most important sports leagues in the world, the NBA has turned out losses in the hundreds of millions for three years running. The culprit? According to the owners, it's the owners. "We keep signing mediocre players to 7-year $60 million deals," said one owner, "we just can't help ourselves. We have to be stopped."

Dirk Nowitzki: The Next Randy Johnson?

June 28, 2011

Arlington, Texas

Dirk Nowitzki may have just led the Dallas Mavericks to the NBA championship, but he isn't resting on his laurels. Dirk signed with the Texas Rangers on Monday and is expected to start on Friday against Houston. "I used to play a lot of sausage tossing, the baseballs is similar," Nowitzki said on tuesday, "The shoulder feels good, I got the velocities. It's on."  

Nowitzki's imposing seven foot frame is reminiscent of Randy Johnson on the mound. Long arms are ideal for pitchers trying to accelerate a baseball in a fraction of a second. There aren't any longer arms in Major League Baseball than the angular German ones belonging to Nowitzki. 

Philadelphia Flyers Trade Entire Hockey Team For Baseball Players

June 27, 2011
Philadelphia, PA

On draft weekend, the Flyers shocked everyone by dealing away their two best players, Jeff Carter and Mike Richards. This week they have followed up by trading away the bulk of their roster for baseball players and draft picks at the MLB trade deadline. The move comes right after a fellow NHL franchise moved north of the border in search of better profits.

"We realized that we could make a lot more money as a baseball franchise," said Flyers owner Jim Warburton, "and luckily Philadelphia didn't have an MLB franchise."

"I'm crazy excited," said Philadelphian Charlie Day, "we're gonna have a basketball team and maybe they can be the green-men, and I could be their mascot."

The move isn't entirely unprecedented: The Buffalo Bills experimented with becoming a soccer team in the 2000s, but have since switched back, and the Colorado Rockies left the NHL to join the MLB.

The Flyers have a lease with the Wells Fargo (formerly Wachovia) Center to keep them playing in the arena through 2015. If they are unable to get out of the lease, the Wells Fargo Center would be the smallest park in baseball with center field being only 128 feet from home plate. "We're looking into using wiffle balls," said Flyers GM Tony Bronson, "or maybe putting up netting so that a homerun will have to be 300 feet up at the fence. We're calling that option the Net-Monster."

No word yet from the MLB whether they will allow the Flyers to make the Bo Jackson-like move.

Radical New Surgery Allows You To Eat an Unlimited Amount of Food and Lose Weight

June 24, 2011
Dallas, Texas.

A controversial new surgery is sweeping through the Dallas area and may soon be the fastest growing surgery in the country. What is it? It's called Esophageal Interruptus. To the layman, the surgery installs a valve in the esophagus which is attached to a tube that exits through the front of the neck. Whenever desired, the patient activates the valve and this intercepts any food or drink heading for the stomach and diverts it out of the body via the tube and into a plastic pouch worn under their clothes. Quite simply, you can eat and drink anything you want and not a drop of it will be digested.

"I had the idea one day while eating Skittles," said Dr. Raymore Schwinghammer, "I chewed them up and got all the flavor, then thought...why do I have to swallow now? Can't I get the flavor without the calories?" His invention, originally titled "Dr. Schwinghammer's Neck Hole Tube," has been implanted in more than three thousand Dallas residents.

Schwinghammer has partnered with the Monsanto Corporation to market the device under the new name The Interceptor.

"This could be the cure for the recession," said KFC spokesman, Arnold Honeyham. "We even introduced a new product, the 72-piece bucket. People come in and eat them by themselves."

Others aren't so excited. "It's incredibly wasteful," said environmental activist Jacob Brownstone. "People are eating ten times what they used to eat and getting zero nutrition out of it. Meanwhile people are starving."

When reached for comment, the Monsanto Corporation disagreed. "We take these plastic pouches of chewed up food, or leftovers as we call them, run them through an irradiator, and ship them to third world countries where people can buy them for a very reasonable price. They just squeeze out the paste and it's some good eats. This helps everyone."

This invention may be the answer to the obesity epidemic. Rather than exercising more, or at all, cutting back calories, or other simplistic approaches, the Interceptor allows people to remain gluttonous and lazy and lose weight, all while fighting world hunger.

Interceptors are set to go on sale nationwide in August.