The Lesbian Porn Paradox

September 26, 2011

You can buy a t-shirt with a Reddit
 comment I wrote on it...I'm like famous

Try googling "Lesbian Porn Paradox" or "Lesbian Pornadox." You'll find links to Reddit, Urban dictionary, various forums and message boards, twitter, and many many more sites that all essentially refer back to this post I made on Reddit over a year ago (including all kinds of merchandise on Urban dictionary, which I have nothing to do with).

It seems that this is the most famous and widely read thing I've ever written. So here's apparently what I'm famous for:

Try this scenario: Girl 1 is born at 1:30 am in Paris, France on January 2nd. So on every document her birthday is listed as January 2nd.

Exactly one minute later, Girl 2 is born in Boston. In Boston it is 6:31 pm on January 1st. So Girl 2's documents all list her as being born on January 1st, while Girl 1 is listed as born on January 2nd, even though she (1) is older.

Girl 1 and Girl 2 meet up in Los Angeles on January 1st and decide to make a lesbian porn the minute they are both 18. So on January 1st at 3:32 Pm West Coast Time (6:32 PM Boston Time, 1:32 am Paris Time) the cameras start rolling and they get to some hot lesbian action.

Since they are in California, where it is the evening of January 1st, Girl 1 is considered 17, since her documents list her birthday as January 2nd (Though she is exactly 18 years and 2 minutes old). Girl 2 is considered 18, since her documents list her as being born on January 1st.

If the girls make 3 copies of this tape and hand the first copy to Friend A in LA, mail the 2nd copy to Friend B in Boston, and e-mail 3rd copy to Friend C in Paris. Are any of these copies not child porn?

From now on I will add to all of my works "From the author of The Lesbian Porn Paradox." 

I do regret that I didn't spend more than a few minutes writing the original post. I could have made it so much more convoluted and confusing (have a third girl join in via webcam from a different timezone, send a copy back several timezones, send a copy back in time, etc.).

It's called "Starship Troopers 2"

But the real crux of the issue is that child porn laws are pretty ridiculous. Making porn one day is horribly illegal, making it the next day is totally kosher. Is there something magical that happens the instant you've made 18 laps around the sun? But I suppose you have to draw a line somewhere. But the issue goes beyond that. 

You Digital Slut! Ones and Zeroes aren't for Titties. 

If I (25 years old) were to have crazy wild sex with a 17 year old girl, it would be perfectly legal (at least in this state). Yet if we were to take pictures or videos of us having sex, that would be child pornography and I would be a sex offender. Think about it. Having sex is fine, just don't take pictures. 

Anal sex? Fine. Sexting? Registered sex offender. And not just me, the both of us. 

There's actually a nationwide problem now where underage kids are being charged with sex crimes for sexting. Girls have had to register as sex offenders because they sent naked pictures of themselves to their boyfriends. 

How did we end up with laws like this?

1. Politicians are dicks. 

Politicians will create laws that "sound good." They'll try to toughen these laws. It sounds good to be "tough on crime." So they'll continually try to make stronger and broader laws with stiffer penalties. It doesn't matter if the laws are already too strong, too overreaching, and the excessive punishment has filled our prison system. It makes no difference, "Tough on crime" always sounds good. 

This works the same way with taxes. To a whole lot of voters "We need to lower taxes" sounds great. You'll hear politicians make all kinds of arguments for lowering taxes (stimulate the economy, foster job creation, get the government off our backs, etc.) but what you won't hear from them is an argument about the actual numbers. When was the last time you heard a politician break down the figures and say anything like  "With the current tax rate at such-and-such percent, this means that yaddayadda trillion dollars in revenue is taken in but we only need such-and-such billion dollars, so we should cut this yaddayadda percent to put such-and-such billion dollars back into your paycheck." Arguing for lower taxes is essentially an argument over numbers, and yet all the arguments you hear have little to do with any numbers. Just as when politicians get "Tough on crime," they mean to say "tougher" and that should make us wonder "Tougher than what? Is the system tough enough on crime?" So given that we've had decades of politicians all trying to get tougher on crime, it's not a huge surprise that the US imprisons a larger portion of its population than any other nation ever has. We are the toughest on crime that anyone has ever been, and yet "Tough on crime" still sounds good. Dicks. 

2. Selective Enforcement

Even rapists secure their wi-fi. 

Selective Enforcement basically means that you create laws and rules that are so far reaching that everyone is breaking them. Then you aren't looking for crimes, you're just picking which people you want to harass. For instance, it is illegal to use your neighbor's Wi-Fi if they leave it unsecured EVEN IF YOU HAVE THEIR PERMISSION. Yeah. That's illegal. 

When I was in high school the school instituted a new dress code. The dress code for girls was completely ridiculous. It sounded like they got the rules from an Amish community. If you were to examine every girl in my high school, I'll wager that on any given day, probably 85% of girls were in violation of dress code. Then we would crowd into the gym for an assembly and they would trot out the cheerleaders to perform for us. These future strippers violated nearly every part of the dress code, so why is this acceptable? The consensus amongst the students was that the administrators were stupid, they didn't think their rules through, and they were hypocrites. The truth was that they were implementing selective enforcement deliberately.

Think about it this way: if a student is being annoying, slap them with a dress code violation. Think a girl is hiding drugs in her locker? Slap her with a dress code violation. See how much easier it is to harass the students now that they're all in violation of a rule?

We do the same thing with drugs and black people. Who gets busted with weed? Black people, how often do you see blonde sorority girls doing 5 years for drug possession? If you make laws that a lot of people are going to break, then you can pick who to punish. 

Child pornography laws were created with the idea of catching sexual predators, child molesters, and people who create, distribute, and consume child porn. In order to make it easier to prosecute, they make the laws vague so that they can apply it to whatever they see fit. That way people can't get off on technicalities (rule 34?). Make the laws vague, broad, and strong, that way the DA can prosecute the bad people. Well, then you get Prosecutors that go after people that don't fit the spirit of the law. Many people have been convicted under these laws for possessing sexual cartoons. Simpsons porn. It's still child porn even if it doesn't depict a real child or ever actually harm any children. 

In fact, it doesn't even matter if the photographer is an emo 16 year old girl who wants to send a picture of her boobs to her boyfriend. The law treats her the same as a sexual predator. 

Think this doesn't apply to you? Congress has passed laws to stop online fraud, and they made the law so vague that if you've ever made a facebook profile that didn't use your real name, you could be convicted of a felony. It's just up to the prosecutor to decide if he or she wants to harass you or not. So much for checks and balances. 

3. America is Sex-Retarded

The age of consent is too damn high!

Just watch some PG-13 movies. You'll find gruesome murders, torture, serial killers, but only maybe some boobs, but no bush, and definitely no sex. Go watch This Film is not Yet Rated for many more examples of hypocrisy in our film ratings. Violence is fine, just don't show an orgasm for god's sake (literally, god cries everytime lesbians fist). 

Or turn on network TV at 8 pm on a weeknight. Murder shows, all of them. Hell, they even kill people off on Two and a Half Men (which is a show about amputation, I think). I can't even begin to count the number of murders, rapes, serial killers, and tortures I've seen on television. When was the last time you saw two people have boring vanilla sex on TV? Or a man go down on a woman in a movie (a proper film mind you)?

American is still pretty puritanical when it comes to sex. Hell, it's illegal to sell sex toys in Alabama. Opposite sex cohabitation (living with your girlfriend/boyfriend as long as you are straight) is illegal in Mississippi, Florida, Virginia, and Michigan (though it is likely unconstitutional, but the laws are still on the books). Polygamy is illegal everywhere in the US. Why? If three consenting adults want to have a three-way marriage, what's the problem? And of course gay marriage isn't legal very many places. 

Take that you bundle of sticks!

AND YET, you can own a flamethrower. You don't even need a permit. (Go to Cracked for more ridiculous yet legal things, including grenade launchers and anti-tank guns). 

I mean honestly, you hear uproar all the time about how legalizing gay marriage will ruin our country, and yet rednecks can stockpile grenade launchers and flamethrowers legally. We're a power outage and a twelve-pack away from a good old fashioned fag burning. Yay merka. 

But we can't let 17 year old girls show people their nipples via text message. This must be stopped. Trust me, I'm the author of the Lesbian Porn Paradox.