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| Wow, those costumes are great. I could have sworn I was looking at real sluts. |
1. Be Slutty
Wear as little as possible. Get naked, then cover up as little of yourself as possible, then say you're going as a "Sexy _____."
Just come up with something to put in the blank. Here's a few ideas:
A. Put on a dog collar : Sexy Lassie.
B. Put on a beard: Sexy Chuck Norris
C. Cover your face in cocaine: Lindsay Lohan
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| She's going as an inside-out cow. |
E. Put a trash bag on your head : Sexy Baby Lisa
2. Too Soon
Go as someone who just died. Al Davis doesn't count, he's been dead since 1993. Or go as an event.
A. Wear a cardboard box covered in Foil with a model airplane crashing into the side: 9/11
B. Dress up in the shape of Japan somehow, drink 4 red bulls, and you'll vibrate your way to a hit costume.
C. Peyton Manning jersey + neck brace = millions of pissed off colts fans. (See also: Bernard Pollard jersey)
D. Put hair in a pony tail and just look like a bitch: Casey Anthony.
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| Never forget. |
3. Have some jokes
Last year I went as Harry Potter/stripper. That is, it was like you had booked a harry potter themed stripper to come to your party. I went up to people with my magic wand (slim jims) and offered to cast a spell of protection. Abracadabra and here's a condom. Then I offered to magically make people sexier, then handed them gum. Also I had a banana in my pants.
A. Go as 9/11, whenever anyone asks what you are, very very seriously say "you said you'd never forget."
B. Dress like a caveman, dirty as shit, loin cloth, then run around screaming "Wilson!?!?"
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| Tap that keg. |
C. Dress like Michelle Bachman (crazy eyes), and then say any of the stupid things she has said (Carbon Dioxide is safe because it's a natural product of nature, I'm the only person that said they'd build a double wall on the border, etc.)
D. Go as a dog then hit on girls by saying, "I want to get your leg pregnant." or "I'd bury my bone in her backyard."
E. Go as a cat and then say and do nothing, just stare at people with utter contempt.
F. Dress like an old person, then chug a bottle of whisky. You'll have no idea what the fuck is going on or where you are for the rest of the night: Alzheimers.
4. Puns
Make your costume into a pun. I was once called "Cougar bait" by a middle aged woman, prompting someone to suggest to me that for Halloween I simply show up to a party covered in raw meat..."Cougar Bait." Here's a helpful tip: try not to creep the fuck out of everyone.
A. Tape dozens of razer blades to your hands and feet : Blade Runner
B. Cover your entire body in green jello and leaves : Forrest Gump
C. Dress up as a giant douche : Nickelback
E. Print off thousands of pictures of your friends and glue them all over your body. Then wear a dust jacket: Facebook.
5. Offend your friends.
One year as a kid, I went trick-or-treating as a "fat guy." Then a stranger asked me what I was, a particularly portly stranger, and so...yeah that was awkward.
A. Go as one of your friends. Steal some of their clothes, and just generally pretend to be a moronic version of them all night, including hitting on strangers using his/her name and phone number.
B. Dress like a complete slut, offer to give free HJs or fifty-cent BJs, or do anal if they buy you one of those cheesy hot dogs at quicktrip for you. When anyone asks who you are : "Your Mom." Another variation is to answer that you're one of your friend's girlfriends. It's comedy gold.
Here's a few more:
Go as your friend's recently miscarried/aborted fetus.
Go as your friend's under utilized penis.
Go as your friend's over utilized vagina.
So there you have it. Folks. Happy trick-or-treating. Or as Tibbs' Mom calls it "sucking dick for candy."
