All Shallow's Eve

October 25, 2011

Wow, those costumes are great. I could have
sworn I was looking at real sluts.
It's almost Halloween, so I'm going to explain to you people how to come up with a good costume.

1. Be Slutty

Wear as little as possible. Get naked, then cover up as little of yourself as possible, then say you're going as a "Sexy _____."

Just come up with something to put in the blank. Here's a few ideas:

A. Put on a dog collar : Sexy Lassie.

B. Put on a beard: Sexy Chuck Norris

C. Cover your face in cocaine:  Lindsay Lohan

She's going as an inside-out cow.
D. Cover yourself in red meat: Sexy Cow/Lada Gaga

E. Put a trash bag on your head : Sexy Baby Lisa

2. Too Soon

Go as someone who just died. Al Davis doesn't count, he's been dead since 1993. Or go as an event.

A. Wear a cardboard box covered in Foil with a model airplane crashing into the side: 9/11

B. Dress up in the shape of Japan somehow, drink 4 red bulls, and you'll vibrate your way to a hit costume.

C. Peyton Manning jersey + neck brace = millions of pissed off colts fans. (See also: Bernard Pollard jersey)

D. Put hair in a pony tail and just look like a bitch: Casey Anthony.

Never forget.
E. Look like a small jewish girl and carry a diary around : Helen Keller.

3. Have some jokes

Last year I went as Harry Potter/stripper. That is, it was like you had booked a harry potter themed stripper to come to your party. I went up to people with my magic wand (slim jims) and offered to cast a spell of protection. Abracadabra and here's a condom. Then I offered to magically make people sexier, then handed them gum. Also I had a banana in my pants.

A. Go as 9/11, whenever anyone asks what you are, very very seriously say "you said you'd never forget."

B. Dress like a caveman, dirty as shit, loin cloth, then run around screaming "Wilson!?!?"
Tap that keg.

C. Dress like Michelle Bachman (crazy eyes), and then say any of the stupid things she has said (Carbon Dioxide is safe because it's a natural product of nature, I'm the only person that said they'd build a double wall on the border, etc.)

D.  Go as a dog then hit on girls by saying, "I want to get your leg pregnant." or "I'd bury my bone in her backyard."

E. Go as a cat and then say and do nothing, just stare at people with utter contempt.

F. Dress like an old person, then chug a bottle of whisky. You'll have no idea what the fuck is going on or where you are for the rest of the night: Alzheimers.

4. Puns 

Make your costume into a pun. I was once called "Cougar bait" by a middle aged woman, prompting someone to suggest to me that for Halloween I simply show up to a party covered in raw meat..."Cougar Bait." Here's a helpful tip: try not to creep the fuck out of everyone.

A. Tape dozens of razer blades to your hands and feet : Blade Runner

B. Cover your entire body in green jello and leaves : Forrest Gump

C. Dress up as a giant douche : Nickelback

D. Does Hipster Hitler count as a pun?

E. Print off thousands of pictures of your friends and glue them all over your body. Then wear a dust jacket: Facebook.

5. Offend your friends.

One year as a kid, I went trick-or-treating as a "fat guy." Then a stranger asked me what I was, a particularly portly stranger, and so...yeah that was awkward.

A. Go as one of your friends. Steal some of their clothes, and just generally pretend to be a moronic version of them all night, including hitting on strangers using his/her name and phone number.

B. Dress like a complete slut, offer to give free HJs or fifty-cent BJs, or do anal if they buy you one of those cheesy hot dogs at quicktrip for you. When anyone asks who you are : "Your Mom." Another variation is to answer that you're one of your friend's girlfriends. It's comedy gold.

Here's a few more:

Go as a friend's recently deceased grandparent.
Go as your friend's recently miscarried/aborted fetus.
Go as your friend's under utilized penis.
Go as your friend's over utilized vagina.

So there you have it. Folks. Happy trick-or-treating. Or as Tibbs' Mom calls it "sucking dick for candy."

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