May 26, 2011
Former Giants and Pirates slugger Barry Bonds appeared again in court today. Bonds stands accused of lying to federal investigators about his alleged drug use. The trial has dragged on for months without any surprises. However, Bonds took the stand today and dropped a bombshell that sent prosecutors scrambling. “I did use steriods,” Bonds said, “however, I never used them to enhance my performancing.”
Jose Canseco's tell-all book in 2004 launched a massive wave of rumors and speculation about juicing in baseball. Home run records were shattered in the 90s and early 2000s by the likes of Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa. Clouds of suspicion formed around Bonds when he broke the single-season home run record in 2001. His years of denial came to an abrupt end today.
“You know, if you're not an athlete and you have an injury,” Bonds said in court, “you would be prescribed steroids to heal you up real quick. It's sick that athletes aren't allowed the same medicine as ordinary people.” Bonds defended the rights of players to use steroids to speed recuperation but claimed he never used the drugs for that reason. “The real reason I used anabolic steroids,” Bonds declared, “was to shrink my massive testicles.”
Known side-effects of anabolic steroids include fits of rage, backne, decreased sex drive, enlarging moobs, and shrinking of the testes, the organs that create natural testosterone. “When you take steroids,” Dr. Kenneth Fowler, Bonds personal physician, “you are filling your bloodstream with artificial hormones. When there are so much of those hormones, your testes stop producing natural testosterone because your body already has too much.” Without a need for testosterone, the testes will shrivel up to child-like proportions. “On an ordinary person, shrunken testicles would look cartoon like,” said Dr. Fowler, “but Barry was born with what we experts call Humungous Ball Syndrome.”
“Have you ever tried running with two grapefruits between your legs?” Bonds asked the prosecutor during cross-examination. “Them thangs get in the way, so I decided to undergo the ball shrinking that Dr. Fowler recommended.”
The prosecution is confident that they will convict Bonds on charges of perjury, however the defense might still have an ace up their sleeve. Or should we say, two aces up their pants. “All he has to do is whip out his balls,” said Jose Canseco, “as long as there is at least one dude on the jury that's ever dealt with sticky, sweaty balls, there will be enough sympathy to get him acquitted.”
Bonds is due back in court on Thursday.