Sharks Sign Satanists in Bold Rapture Strategy

May 20, 2011

As we quickly close in on Saturday's 6 pm rapture, plans are afoot for those sports franchises that will be left behind. The San Jose Sharks, known for their perennial playoff collapse, have signed the world's top Satanic players. “We wanted to be sure we got the guys who would still be here after the chosen ones ascended bodily into heaven,” said Sharks GM Doug Wilson.

The Sharks trail in the Western Conference Finals two games to one to the Vancouver Canucks. The Canucks are led by the Sedin twins, Henrik and Daniel. “If anybody is getting raptured it's those two,” said Sharks forward Joe Thornton, “They're like home-schoolers.”

What do we got to lose?” Asked Sharks Goalie Antti Niemi, “We might as well sign those devil worshippers just in case this whole Jesus thing is true.” Niemi's sentiments echo Pascal's wager, a pragmatic approach to religion.

Niemi's wager might pay off if the Canucks stars are skating in the clouds come Sunday, but if they aren't, there may be a backlash among religious fans. “I can't believe they signed those evil ringers,” said Joe Bob, a die-hard sharks fan that suffers from depression.

When reached for comment, Sharks forwad Patrick Marleau said, “At this point I'll try anything to touch Lord Stanley's Cup.”

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