June 24, 2011
A controversial new surgery is sweeping through the Dallas area and may soon be the fastest growing surgery in the country. What is it? It's called Esophageal Interruptus. To the layman, the surgery installs a valve in the esophagus which is attached to a tube that exits through the front of the neck. Whenever desired, the patient activates the valve and this intercepts any food or drink heading for the stomach and diverts it out of the body via the tube and into a plastic pouch worn under their clothes. Quite simply, you can eat and drink anything you want and not a drop of it will be digested.
"I had the idea one day while eating Skittles," said Dr. Raymore Schwinghammer, "I chewed them up and got all the flavor, then thought...why do I have to swallow now? Can't I get the flavor without the calories?" His invention, originally titled "Dr. Schwinghammer's Neck Hole Tube," has been implanted in more than three thousand Dallas residents.
Schwinghammer has partnered with the Monsanto Corporation to market the device under the new name The Interceptor.
"This could be the cure for the recession," said KFC spokesman, Arnold Honeyham. "We even introduced a new product, the 72-piece bucket. People come in and eat them by themselves."
Others aren't so excited. "It's incredibly wasteful," said environmental activist Jacob Brownstone. "People are eating ten times what they used to eat and getting zero nutrition out of it. Meanwhile people are starving."
When reached for comment, the Monsanto Corporation disagreed. "We take these plastic pouches of chewed up food, or leftovers as we call them, run them through an irradiator, and ship them to third world countries where people can buy them for a very reasonable price. They just squeeze out the paste and it's some good eats. This helps everyone."
This invention may be the answer to the obesity epidemic. Rather than exercising more, or at all, cutting back calories, or other simplistic approaches, the Interceptor allows people to remain gluttonous and lazy and lose weight, all while fighting world hunger.
Interceptors are set to go on sale nationwide in August.