The 10 Keys To Fantasy Football Success

August 14, 2011

The dog days of summer are nearly over and that must mean one thing: Fantasy Football!!!1!!1!!one!!

"But Lumpy Junk, what is Fantasy Football? And how do you know when the dog days of summer are over, is there a set date? And how long are you keeping me down here?"

Why reader, Fantasy Football is a sport which allows white people to feel like they can participate in tackle football. Also, the "dog days of Summer" is a phrase which dates back to Roman times and refers to the location of the star Sirius. 

Fantasy Football was invented in 1988 to settle a bet on who was the better quarterback, Randall Cunningham or Jim "Chris" Everett. I'd say that it was invented by two nerds, except one of the guys apparently thought Chris Everett was a good quarterback and therefore was stripped of his nerd badge and relegated to dorkdom. (Dorkdom backwards is Modkrod, looks like I found my team name)

Fancy Football
So let's cut to the chase. 

The 10 Keys to Fantasy Football Success

1. It's FANTASY Football, not FANCY Football. Enunciate. It's not some kind of European sport for fancy-boys.

2. You need a great team name.

 It should be both intimidating and original. Don't use the name of any team that actually exists. The St. Louis Archie Bunkers. The Boston Fighting Afflecks. The Kansas City Mothras. This year my team is called "A He-She's Peepee" which you must agree is nightmare worthy.  If all else fails, just go with the dirtiest thing you can think of. Take a competitor's little sister's name and create something like this: Britney'sLooseTwat. When you face off against that guy, you'll be sure the game will be very contentious (meaning you'll both hit refresh frequently while watching football. Admit it, it's the most vigorous activity you're capable of).

3. Be Present on Draft Day

Don't just let the computer do it for you. Unless you know you're going to suck, in which case, stay the hell away from the draft, that way you can blame your failure on missing the draft.

4. Actually Know Who the Fuck You Are Drafting.

Aryan Foster
It sounds obvious, but it's a rule that's broken every sixth or seventh pick. When it's your turn, you'll be staring at a spreadsheet with hundreds of players. Whichever website you're using (Yahoo, ESPN, NFL, et al) will rank these players based on their projected stats. How do these websites know that Yamon Figures will have exactly 39 catches for 427 yards and 2 touchdowns this year? They fucking don't, they all just make this shit up for every player and then tell Excel to sort them by how many fantasy points they'll get based on their completely made up numbers. The end result of this incredibly scientific prospect is that you'll be staring at the 10 "best" available players according to this computer ranking. 5 of them you'll never have heard of. Sometimes you'll get the 8th best guy because you remember hearing his name once or twice. Sometimes you'll take the best guy available, even if it is Samkon Gado. "This must be the best pick, the computer says so." You'll say. Right this second, somewhere in the world a fantasy football draft is starting and some guy is picking Arian Foster with the 1st pick even though he's never heard of him. He'll then brag about drafting Aryan Foster whilst imagining Dolph Lundgren pounding the rock.

5. Pick A Quarterback

I'm going to catch flak from ESPN's Fantasy Football Draftologists (an actual phrase said on air) for this strategy. The conventional wisdom is that your first 2 picks should be running back/ running back. Except for perhaps taking a stud WR like Randy Moss (seriously, this guy is worth the #1 pick, don't listen to what anyone says). Here's how the draftniks tell you to draft:

1st Round: Running Back
2nd Round: Running Back
3rd Round: Wide Receiver
4th Round: Quarterback
5th Round: Wide Receiver
6th Round: Running Back
7th Round: Wide Receiver
8th Round: Tight End

I'm here to suggest a slightly different strategy:

1st Round: Quarterback
2nd Round: Quarterback
3rd Round: Quarterback
4th Round: Quarterback
5th Round: Quarterback
6th Round: Quarterback
7th Round: Quarterback
8th Round: Quarterback
and so on.

This is not a joke. Pick a quarterback with every single pick. At the end of the day, you'll be moving forward with 16 of the 20 best QBs. That leaves only 4 decent QBs. The rest of your league minus the few people who picked a QB early will be desperate for a Quarterback. Would you want Sage Rosenfels in your huddle? Trade those QBs and you'll end up with better players than you could have drafted yourself. Unless the other people in your league decide to blackball you out of spite.
Hey Hollywood, I got a screenplay for you:
Cool Runnings Deep
followed by the sequel:
Ed Reed, Murderer
(tagline: Quoth the Raven, Nevermore...bitch)

6. Take Usain Bolt with the last pick. This dude has upside. 5:2 That Al Davis signs him once he discovers the youtube.

7. Put Money On It

It's amazing how little shit can be given. Put enough money on it that you care about winning or losing. If you're risking 5 dollars, and you're not seven years old, then who gives a fuck? Yay! I won 50 cents. What can I do with 50 cents? I'd take it and throw it at you.

8. Don't Be a Cunt Rag

Some people get into Fantasy Football and then don't care about the league. They'll never make any trades and if you try to make one, they'll demand far too much for their precious players. Come Week 6, once they're 1-4 and probably out of contention, they'll stop updating their team. Inevitably your season will come down to winning a match and having someone else lose their match, but they are playing against Joe Cunt Rag who is starting three guys who are on IR. (Basically it's like playing the Colts in Week 17)

9. Be Lucky

16 and D'oh
Let's be honest, nobody can predict the future. Even ESPN Draftologists don't know what's going to happen. If they did, they'd be billionaires from all the money they've bet in Vegas. But guess what, they have jobs, ergo, you get it. FF comes down to making some clever moves, some smart judgement calls, and a metric shit-tonne of luck.

10. Don't Be Unlucky

Football is a physical sport and injuries happen. One time I stubbed my finger trying to hit refresh really fast. That shit hurts. Plus sitting on the couch with that laptop on your crotch is pretty uncomfortable and probably boils some of your swimmers.

Good players get hurt every year. Remember when Tom Brady had his knee blown out in the first half of the first game of the year? I do, because I have a Bernard Pollard jersey. But one man's disaster can be another man's Matt Cassell. The perpetual backup who never even played QB in college, hadn't played meaningful football since high school, came in and threw for nearly 4000 yards, 21 TDs and only 11 INTs. Compared to the next year's version of Tom Brady, he was about 600 yards short and had 8 fewer TDs (plus 2 fewer INTs).

I think Quarterbacks are being
genetically modified by Monsanto,
how else do you explain my erection?
Watch for injuries and figure out who fills those bloody shoes. If Maurice Jones-Drew blows out his knee (I'll give anyone 5:3 on that one), then pick up Rashad Jennings. If Michael Vick gets hurt, then pick up Vince Young. If Peyton Manning gets hurt, then pick up...sorry, couldn't type that with a straight face.

If you want to avoid unluck, then stay away from guys with injury history and older players. ESPN has Frank Gore listed as the 9th best running back in the league. Dude broke his hip last year. I think I'll rather take a shot on someone who, let's say, had the ability to walk on New Years. Draft younger guys. Everyone knows that rookies are usually the best players in the league each year.

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