Aaron Hernandez Suffers Shanked ACL, Will Stand Trial On Crutches, Bernard Pollard Wanted For Questioning.

"Did I do that?"
10 December, 2013

There are once again, no healthy Tight Ends available for those popular prison football games.

His ACL was not torn from a quick jump-cut, but was rather whittled away over several minutes with a spork stolen from the cafeteria.

So while Mr. Hernandez will stand trial in a few months, he will likely have to be aided by crutches in order to do so.

In Vegas, the odds of a successful Hernandez escape from prison have dropped from 10-1 to 140-1 thanks to his diminished skills. "I just don't see him leaping out of a tunnel and being able to juke his way out of the spotlight," Vegas bookee Mick Walters said.

ACL's and Sporks don't mix. 
Prison officials have not officially charged any inmates in the attack, though a few persons of interest have been named including Titans safety Bernard Pollard. "He's not the prime suspect by any means," Warden Smithers said, "but we would like to speak to him about his whereabouts."
Mr. Pollard insists he was in Denver at the time of the Spork-Shank, adding "Just ask Wes Welker where I was. Well...maybe not Wes. Ask Eric Decker, he'll remember me. Maybe."

You can scratch Hernandez from the all-prison team for a while, but come next summer, you might have quite a formidable team for that annual Guards vs. Inmates game. The projected line-up looks like this:

At Quarterback, Ryan Leaf, because when I think of skills that come in handy at Quarterback, I think of Meth-ed up burglars.

At Running Back,  O.J. Simpson. He's got a Heisman trophy on his resume and good running backs need to be elusive, so I don't know who's more elusive than a guy that got away with an obvious double-homicide (though he seems to lack that 3rd gear needed to outrun anybody [get it, that's a Bronco joke]).

At WR, we've got Rae Carruth, who was a first round pick in 1997 and had over 800 yards and 4 TDs receiving before he had his 8-month pregnant girlfriend murdered.

Selfies: Worlds Best Alibi. 
Also at WR we have Brandon Marshall, 4-time Pro Bowler and 6-time domestic violence perpetrator. He's not in jail at the moment, but we're projecting that he will be in time for next year's prison game. We feel confident in this projection based on his history. He was arrested for assaulting a police officer while in college, he has been stabbed in the stomach by his own wife, and the cherry-on-top was his story about how he suffered severe cuts to his arm that damaged his muscles and tore tendons: he claimed the injury occured when he "slipped on a McDonald's bag and fell into a television set." Given his street cred as a walking yakkety sax video, we're projecting that on Christmas morning he will be attempting to open one of those ridiculous clamshell plastic things forged in the fire of Mount Doom that's encasing a new pair of White PowerBeats when he will slip and accidentally bury his scissors six inches deep into a Police Officer's groin.

Then at TE, Aaron Hernandez will probably be healthy, if not Super Bowl champion and child molester Mark Chmura will fill in.

Richie Incognito will play left Guard, while the Pouncey brothers of "Free Hernandez"-hat fame will play Center and right guard.

Sebastian Janikowski will be both kicker and punter, which might cause a few problems for Head Coach Jerry Sandusky as Janikowski will insist on attempting a field goal regardless of field position.

At Kick-Returner, the world's-worst valentine's day gift-giver and famed Blade Runner, Oscar Pistorious will add some spark to the return game as he really puts the "Special" in Special Teams.

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