Friday Colbert

Friday, October 4th, 2013

This is Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger:

Tip of the hat to Representative Tim Griffin of Arkansas. Only Two minutes after reports emerged of a shooting outside the capitol, Griffin showed that he has what it takes to be a congressional Republican. He didn't wait for all the facts to come in, in fact, he didn't wait for any facts. He took to twitter within two minutes of the first reports of gun shots and tweeted the only fact he needed to know. It was president Obama's fault.

Tweeting: "Stop the violent rhetoric President Obama, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi.#disgusting.

You see folks, Representative Griffin doesn't need to wait for facts because he has all the truthiness he needs right in his guts.

Everyone remembers the Apostle Paul's tweet in the bible from 30 seconds after he heard about Jesus's crucifixion:

“Some Jews just nailed up Jesus, where are the Romans when you need 'em. #hang-in-there-jesus”

Wag of the finger goes to Representative Tim Griffin of Arkansas for immediately deleting his brave tweet and pretending like it didn't happen.

He later apologized for his tweet, saying “the shooting today is a terrible and inexcusable tragedy and an act of terrorism. No one but the shooter is to blame.”

Seems Representative Griffin may have wanted to hear some more facts before issuing his apology for saying things before he knew enough facts.

It turns out that the incident was caused by a woman suffering from mental illness trying to ram the White House gate. The woman was shot and killed by capitol police despite the fact that she herself was unarmed and had a baby in the car. Thus the only shots that were fired, were fired by police. So Representative Griffin has bravely called the Capitol police terrorists and put the blame squarely on them.

That might explain why he thinks they shouldn't be paid.

Tip of the Hat to the unpaid Vigilantes guarding the White house. I mean, sure they fired dozens of shots at an unarmed woman who had a baby in her car, but what were they supposed to do when a black woman tried to get into the White House?

Thanks for your service, unpaid vigilantes. Or as I like to call them, good guys with guns.

Wag of the finger goes to Bill O'Reilly. On Monday BillO went on my hated enemy's – I mean, dear friend Jon Stewart's show. When Stewart asked BillO what he would have done in Lybia, he answered:

“I would have sent a few exocets over, bang.”

Now I'm all for indiscriminately lobbing missiles into a war-torn part of the middle east, just like Jesus would have done. But BillO said “Exocet.” I don't know if you guys are as big of Falkland Island War Buffs as me, so let me tell you, the Exocet is a FRENCH missile.

BillO didn't say he wanted to launch a bunch of American Tomahawks, or unleash Obama's terror drones, no, BillO said, launch a bunch of Exocets. What's wrong Bill? Are American missiles not good enough for you?


Tip of the Hat to Bill Oreilly, for his bold plan of invading France, stealing their French missiles, cause they're not gonna use 'em, then finding those missiles a good home in the middle east where they'll be appreciated.

Wag of the Finger to Bill Maher. This week Maher said “Atheism is the new gay marriage,” and that more and more atheists will be coming out of the closet.

(applause) - I know Nation, I'm just as outraged.

Maybe these silly atheists haven't seen the holy light yet because they've been hiding in a closet.

I don't know what this means, the new gay marriage, what is that? Is every atheist going to marry Richard Dawkins? The old gay marriage was a concerted effort by liberals to ruin my marriage, but joke's on them, I'm still happily married to a WOMAN.

Are Atheists going to try to make us all have Satanic weddings? Who's to say? Judging by the number of smug atheists on the internet, my guess is that atheists will be marrying themselves. I mean, if they won't even listen to Jesus, what are the odds they could listen to a woman?

And finally, a Wag of the Finger, to Bill O'Reilly. He's really tearing up the charts today, two Wags and a Tip, usually you have to pay extra for that.

Bill O on his show:

It’s like this: Your teenager comes to you, saying she wants to attend a dance. You have some misgivings, but you say okay because she’s so passionate about the issue. Then you learn a vicious motorcycle gang may well show up at the dance, so you change your mind based upon best available evidence. And you protect your daughter from possible danger. Obamacare is like that.”

(Audience shock) – I know Nation, it's shocking just how insightful Bill can be.

First of all, who lets their daughter do something so dangerous as go to a dance, just because she's so passionate about the issue of dancing.Secondly, changing your mind based upon the best available evidence? Who is this, Bill O – Dawkins?

But I have to give BillO a Tip of the Hat, making 4-4 on the day, with two tips and two wags, for his spot-on analogy. Obamacare is exactly like a vicious motorcycle gang.

Who hasn't had the experience of being surrounded on the highway by a motor cycle gang that intimidates you and then makes you buy health insurance?

They're like the mafia coming into your house and saying, “those are nice Kidneys you got there, it'd be a shame if anything happened to them. . .because you don't have health insurance and you would probably go bankrupt paying out of pocket. You should really do the sensible thing and pay some protection money to me, or one of the many fine health insurance providers listed on the new exchanges which allow you to easily compare before you buy.”

So vicious.

(This is Part One of the "I pretend I'm a writer for the Colbert Report. Here's Part Two and Part Three)

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