GirrlaCanes

Friday June 6th, 2014

Nation, have you ever met a lady and had a hot, steamy connection, a real wet and wild affair, only to discover that when she left, she took your car and your house? It's a phenomenon that affects millions of men every year. I'm talking of course of Hurricanes.

A new study claims that female-named hurricanes are more deadly than male-named hurricanes, saying that when people are dealing with female named hurricanes they are “not as willing to seek shelter” because they are “viewing women as warmer and less aggressive than men,” and implies “implicit sexism.”

Did you catch that folks? Female hurricanes kill three times as many people as male hurricanes, but the gender-police at Arizona State think this is proof that we're all a bunch of sexists who can't take women seriously.

Well I've got another idea. Maybe female hurricanes are more deadly. (Lightning Bolt)

Of course it's gotta be men's fault. Mother Earth wouldn't be more deadly than Daddy Globe. Of course not, Mother Earth would never drown her kids in the tub.

Poppy-cock! Daddy Globe might yell and spank and throw a baseball at you, but Mother Earth is burying all of that emotional trauma deep inside until she snaps and tries to murder us all with a barrage of Hurricanes and Femnados and Vag-canoes.

The government agency that is concerned with giant floods and hurricanes, which is aptly named “Noah” (NOAA), suck on that Atheists, which is short for National Oceanographic and Atmospheric's Anonymous, has been called on to give all hurricanes male names to fix the alleged problem of people not thinking that women named Katrina could possibly ruin their lives.

But those Mother-Earth worshiping Feminists are protesting this move, saying that naming all hurricanes after men would merely treat the symptom, not the problem, and that clearly the easier thing to do is to change all of society so we all respect and fear women as much as we fear men.

We could start by naming scary things after women. Tornadoes are now called Sheilas. We're tracking a category 5 Sheila, you better take cover. History channel can have a show called “Sheila Chasers.” Ebola is now Shebola. Pooping your pants is now pulling a Vicky. Surely this will make people take cover when Hurricane Mercedes is coming.

Of course, you know I'm not buying this feminist argument that female storms are more deadly because they're misunderstood. That's why I'm calling on NOAA to do a better job of probing our Hurricanes so we can find out their genders ahead of time. Don't bother telling us when we've got a harmless male-a-cane, but you sound the alarm when it's a herricane.

So come on NOAA, get out there and sex our hurricanes.

NOAA has two flagship hurricane hunter aircraft, which are named, and this is true, Kermit and Miss Piggy.

I never thought I'd say this again: Save us Kermit, you are our only hope.

Some groups are calling on NOAA to give hurricanes all male names, but now we're talking about reverse-sexism. Oh sure, let's reinforce the stereotype that males are more likely to stab you with a marlin. That's totally fair.

Other groups are saying that we must give hurricanes androgynous names. Names that could belong to a man or a woman... or a pet piranha. Names like Paco, Fram, or Steeee. But this suggestion was immediately shot down as “trans-phobic” and cis-het-normative, which coincidentally is the name of my cat. You know it's its name because when you say “cis-het-normative,” it won't come to you because it's a cat.

So nation, what are we supposed to do? Using female names kills more people because we've become desensitized to periodic female problems. Using male names reinforces the stereotype that men are dangerous. Using androgynous names demonizes the transgendered. So what's left? What kind of name would instill fear without creating a negative stereotype?

Wait. I think I have it.

Call all Hurricanes Hurricane Obama. He's already caused millions of scared white people to horde supplies, and that's without even showing up on radar. Let us all just pray that Hurricane Obama never develops a stealth capability that he could use to evade being detected by Miss Piggy and Kermit.

And it wouldn't create any stereotype, we all already know that Obama is destroying America. And when Obama is out of office, we can just move on and name all hurricanes Hurricane Hillary. 

(This is part three of the "I pretend I'm a writer for the Colbert Report" series. Part Two Part One.)