Stupid Sequels Sweep Silver Screens

May 31, 2011

If you follow movies, you probably know about the unoriginal batch of crap coming to theaters this summer. Heck, you probably even know what's coming next year. I'm an optimist, so I have to keep looking to the future.

Here it is folks, your Summer 2013 lineup:

Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan
JJ Abrams reboot of the Star Trek series will tackle the best movie of the original series. Personally I hope they find a way to include time travel, smoke monsters, and lots and lots of flashbacks. Javier Bardem is set to play Khan. Ugh.

The Hangover 3
You knew it was coming. Expect all the same jokes recycled again.  Rumors place this installment in Moscow. Think Russian babes in fur, crazy gangsters, losing a buddy on top of Lenin's tomb, and Mike Tyson's pet bear ice skating.

Sex and the City 3
This one just won't die. I don't know how they can top the incredibly offensive 2nd installment. Maybe they'll hop in a hot tub time machine at an orgy and end up in the midst of the women's suffrage movement and spend two hours trying to show those women how to shake it, sister. Which reminds me...

Hot Tub Time Machine 2
Must be some kind of...retarded movie. The first one was funny at times, amusing in its absurdity, but there is no way the sequel can be good. It'll make money though. Yay Capitalism.

Ocean's 14
Whoever's job it is to figure out the schedules for the 47 stars in this movie is probably an air-traffic controller in his spare time. Who knows if they can work out a time to get it made, but for now it's on the schedule. Maybe they'll finally make an Ocean's that's as bad as the original.

The Seventh Sense
M. Night Shymalan attempts to completely break the rotten tomato meter with a negative score. This may very well do it. Each movie has been worse than the one before, so what better way to get back to good form than to dig up the one good thing you ever made and rape it to death...again? This time the twist is that you actually paid money to this guy.

Air Force Two
The key to sequels seems to be bigger, better, and more of everything. Though that usually makes a worse movie. Air Force Two seems doomed from the start. It's the Vice President's plane that is hijacked. How can that possible top the original? Unless we get Dick Cheney shooting everyone in the face over and over for 90 minutes, I find it doubtful this will get anywhere. Oh, and if you don't believe that this project exists, I have the script. E-mail me and I'll give it to you. (Fox has been cracking down harshly on scripts floating around the net)

Apollo 14
Ron Howard is nowhere to be found in this production. If I remember correctly, this mission went flawlessly. So what's this about? Get ready for the dramatic, suspensful, tear-jerking Apollo 14: Everything Goes as Planned. 

2001: A Space Odyssey Reboot
Yeah. They're rebooting 2001. I'm guessing it's called 2011: A Space Budget Deficiency.

Star Wars Reboot
Yes. Reboot. A New Hope, new again. New original trilogy. New actors playing Luke and Han and Leia. Computer graphics replacing every stormtrooper, Chewie, R2, C-3PO. Harrison Ford playing Obi-Wan. And they're doing it all in 3-d! Cue applause.

Godfather Reboot
It's happening. I mean, what could be better than a version of Godfather where all the characters just text each other instead of speaking.

13 Angry Men
This one has to be a comedy. This can't be serious. Right? Right!?!

Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
Blood has started spurting from my ear. But really, does this surprise you? Hollywood will make any movie as long as the title has some recognition. This is an industry that is making movies out of Candyland, Battleship, Disney Rides, and the game of Life.

Edward Scissorhands Reboot
O for the love of-

Read that again. Casablancer. I'm not kidding. Casablancer. It's a parody, but if the tradition of "Movie" Movies like Scary Movie, Epic Movie, etc. is any indication, the writers don't know what the word parody means and will instead simply copy the original movie and insert fart noises and crotch shots every 30 seconds.

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