Alabama Schools Replace Evolution With "Practical Stuff" Like Tie Tying

June 3, 2011
Birmingham, AL

After a ploy to add Creationism alongside Evolution in the classroom failed, the Alabama Republican Party is now pushing to eliminate Biology from required coursework. "It's time our kids learned useful shit," said Lee Johnson, a father of three, "why should my son learn about proteins and monkey sex?"

"It's religion run amok," said Stephanie Wilkins, a mother of two. "If they had it their way the kids would wake up, eat some grits then go to Jesus class, then Bible Theory Class and Ark Math before lunch."

It's tough to say if this will be struck down by any court. School boards and state governments decide what their children should learn and short of violating the constitution, the Supreme Court can't mandate the teaching of anything.

The real kicker is what will fill in the void. One proposal requires every student to take a class called "Street Smarts." Lessons include tie tying, using chopsticks, abstinence, deep fryer maintenance, the Google, and Confederate history.

"I wish they learnt me to tie a tie," said Johnson, "I have to have my wife and sister tie mine every time there's wedding."

The first proposal will be voted on by the Birmingham school board on Friday.

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