Our Universe Is A Third Grade Science Project

June 14, 2011

In New York City the sky opened up and a glorious white light shone down on Times Square. "Is this thing still on?" A voice boomed from on high. A hand the size of the statue of liberty reached into the masses and plucked out a handful of witnesses.

"I found myself in just a white empty space standing on this hand and talking to god," said Joe Bronson, a tourist from Phoenix. "I asked God what the meaning of life was," Bronson said, "he kind of mumbled something about a saved game and then changed the subject."

Another witness claims that God is only 10 years old and a third grader. "He told me that our universe was a science project," the witness said, "then he added, 'I got a C+.'"

When reached for comment, Keanu Reeves said, "I have always supported the postulate that our universe is likely a construct of a supercomputer in a higher dimension." Ever since The Matrix came out in 1999, stoners everywhere have been fond of the idea that our world is inside of a computer, but the disappointment of The Matrix Reloaded quieted those sentiments.

God returned a few hours later and answered questions. As to why bad things happen to good people, God replied, "My bad. You know your games like Simcity and Spore, yeah, it's kinda like that. I was just demonstrating that order can come out of chaos by setting the simple physics simulator on my dad's phone running all night. I hit the big bang button and then I fell asleep. When I woke up you guys were like praying at me and I had like billions of little prayer requests to read through."
Tyler; Artist's Rendering

A former atheist stepped to the microphone to ask God a question: "So Jesus, Mohamed, Moses, were you involved in any of those guys?" God replied, "Not me. My baby brother played with the game at some point, I know because there was drool on the phone, but I can't be sure what he did."

A devout Mormon took to the mic and asked God, or Tyler as he is called in his plane of existence, a followup question: "I always knew there was a good and loving god, thank you for being there for me." "Was that a question?" God inquired. The Mormon then rambled for several minutes about her feelings for god, coming close to sounding like sexual feelings at several points. "Yeah, that wasn't me," God said, "literally this thing has just been running on auto-pilot."

"Well now that you are here," Bob Trimers of Nashville, TN, asked, "can you do like the rapture and send us to heaven?" "Sorry, that's not really something I can do," God said, "I don't have the fantasy DLC, I didn't want to pay extra for that."

In the past hours, hundreds of thousands of suicides and murders have been reported across America's bible belt. "It turns out that they really did get their morality from celestial North Korea," Christopher Hitchens said.

So now we know there is no heaven nor hell. On the bright side, we know how the universe ends. "I'll leave the game running till the battery runs out," God said, "I can't find the charger, but it'll be like 15 billion years your time before the battery dies." So now we know, the universe runs out of power in 15 billion years, give or take, we all know how inaccurate those power bars can be.

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