June 11, 2011
A year ago, Lebron James gave the verbal jab heard round the world. He was taking his talents to South Beach. Five games into the NBA Finals, Lebron's famous talents have gone missing. Through five games he has yet to score any points in the fourth quarter when the score is within 5 points. In other words, when the going gets tough, Lebron gets stiff and useless like an infant's boner. Seriously, why do infants get boners?
Well it turns out that Lebron has been playing through serious adversity. He lost his talents in the move to Miami. "I don't know where I put them," James said, "I swear I packed them in my suitcase, right between my Yankees boxers and my guitar hero guitar." But when James arrived in South Beach, his talents were nowhere to be found.
"I suspected the TSA and baggage handlers of stealing my talents," James said on Friday. ESPN Anchor John Anderson suggested "Lebron James should play hockey, they don't have a fourth quarter." When reached for comment, James claimed he was unfamiliar with the sport but that he would look into it. "Periods!? That sounds disgusting," James added.
Well Heat fans can relax. They may be down 3-2 in the series but their victory has been assured. Lebron found his talents. "I saw this bag sitting off in the corner," Michael Ware, a baggage handler for United Airlines said, "I opened it up and bam, right there, Lebron's talents in a neat little package." Lebron insisted that the package was larger than reported.
All of Lebron's talents from Cleveland are now back. No more disappearing at the end of games. No more three quarter performances. King James found his crown. Now there's just the formality of finding that ring.