June 9, 2011
"All the urine mixes with the chlorine and it becomes Thermite," Mike Johnson, 47, said to his children and their friends. "Peeing in the pool is like punching mother nature in the taint," Johnson explained. This local father claims to have the research to backup his claims. "I do the science from time-to-time," he said on Wednesday.
"You get lazy and pee in the pool, then that makes more Thermite which evaporates and golden showers the earth and makes it warmer. Then you have hotter summers and more people in the pool. Boom, more piss in more pools. It's a pissious cycle."
While Johnson's independent research has yet to be published, he claims this is due to a vast conspiracy in the scientific community. "The pool cleaning cartel doesn't want anyone to know," local conspiracy expert Gurt B. Frobe said, "If you expose them, they'll stab you in the face...with a soldering iron."
Johnson's Pee Warming Theory has gained traction thanks to Glenn Beck's radio program. "We've all been in a pool and felt a wave of warmth as a little fucker swam by you," Beck said, "those kids are getting their global warming all over you, you can feel it."
Front-runner for the Republican nomination in 2012, Sarah Palin, said that she has a "no pee policy" in the works for her campaign. "My lady parts are for miracles not disasters."
Skeptics in the community have expressed doubts about Johnson's piss theory. "This is an insane theory," said Dearth Wilkins, a skeptic, "how does chlorine make thermite? Besides, it got down to like 63 degrees last night, how could that happen if there was global warming?"
While the issue is still up for debate, one thing is for sure: Sarah Palin can warm my globe any day.