This Year's Obligatory List of Driving Safety Tips

June 6, 2011

This year, approximately 5 million new drivers will take to the streets of the US. Driving has become more difficult as the number of distractions have skyrocketed. This year's crop of new drivers may be the most distracted generation ever. With that in mind, here's a good set of safety rules for those new drivers, and you more experienced wheelmen and ladies might learn a thing or two as well.

1. Wear a helmet. Airbags and seat belts are good, but a helmet will protect your vital brain much better.

2. Keep just one hand on the wheel. Airbags deploy violently and may break your wrist.

3. When you first set off, weave back and forth frequently to warm up and clean your tires for maximum grip.

4. Leave your wipers on all the time to keep your windshield clear of debris. 

5. Never text and drive. If you have to text, then let your passenger take the wheel.

6. Break off the handle on the outside of the driver's door. That way a carjacker will have to climb across the passenger seat, giving you time to escape.

7. Always drive a little faster than the other motorists, except for one. That way you won't be rear-ended or pulled over.

8. Always use your brights, or high-beams, for maximum vision.

9. At night, be sure to flash your lights frequently to alert other drivers to your presence.

10. Don't drink beer while you drive. If you must drink, drink water, cola, or red bull and vodka to keep alert.

11. Remember it's not a race out there, so be playful and play tag with your fellow motorists.

12. If you start falling asleep, hit the accelerator hard to give your body a jolt of adrenaline.

13. No blowjobs. Road head plus accidents is known to sever penii. Give a hand job instead.

14. If your car falls into a body of water, don't panic. Wait until the car is completely submerged, then breathe shallow and wait for divers to come to your rescue.

15. Avoid eating and driving. But if you do eat and drive and begin choking, find a hard obstacle and hit it. Airbags are excellent at the heimlich maneuver.