Alabama's Anti-Immigration Law Aimed At Anchor Babes Accidentally Legalizes Infanticide

June 10, 2011

Yesterday Governor Bentley signed HB 56, the nation's strictest legislation aimed at illegal immigration, into law. The law follows in the footsteps of Arizona's laws. If the police have "reasonable suspicion" that a person is an illegal immigrant, the police are obligated to demand proof of citizenship. Additionally, illegal immigrants cannot attend college or attempt to get a job. Any employer with an illegal on staff cannot fire or decline to hire any legal resident.

These measures are clearly aimed at making the state so inhospitable to illegals, or those with dark skin, as to deter them from ever coming to the state in the first place. "It's ironic," said Arthur Allred, a history professor at the University of Alabama, "This state was founded on slavery, they fought to keep slavery, and illegal immigrants are a kind of pseudo-slave class." Allred makes a strong case: Illegals tend to be uneducated, they work for next-to-nothing, and they will work in any condition without any threat of complaint to any higher authority. "Illegals are basically slaves that you don't house or feed, but give them just enough money to take care of themselves," Allred added, "They're low-maintenance slaves. Yet, Alabamans are so bigoted that they think their problems are caused by the very people they exploit."

Economist and Alabaman Leroy Clark disagrees. "These people come to a place they don't belong and take away our jobs. And don't tell me they only take the crappy jobs nobody wants. Just last week my wife gave birth and her doctor was named something like 'say-jeet' or something, he's probably working for a buck an hour."

The most disturbing provision of the new law is aimed at preventing illegals from having so-called "Anchor babies." Governor Bentley explains, "They get here illegally, pop out a kid, and bam they got a citizen. That's just down-right unAmerican. We gotta protect our pure citizenship." The "Anchor Baby Clause" circumvents the Citizenship Clause of the 14th amendment (which stipulates that anybody born in the US is a citizen) by declaring that a fetus does not become a person at birth, but rather when it begins speaking English. "That'll give us time to deport the anchor babies before they steal our language," Governor Bentley said.

The ACLU has filed an injunction to prevent the law from going into effect before a higher court rules on its constitutionality. ACLU spokewoman Joan Fiero pointed out the hypocrisy of the clause, "Just six months ago they passed a law making fetuses people in a back-handed attempt to ban all abortion. Now they say personhood begins when you speak English. If this law is held-up, then not only will abortion be legal, but so would infanticide. Children up to 1 or 2 could be legally aborted."

Governor Bentley doesn't agree with the ACLU's interpretation: "The ACLU needs to go back to France and defend the rights of Porn-Devil worshipers to eat babies." When reached for comment, the Porn-Devil said, "If you want to eat babies, Alabama is the place to be."

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