Missouri High School Bans Physics Books For Being "Contrary to the Bible"

Sparta, Mo
August 4, 2011

The school board in Republic, Mo voted to ban Slaughterhouse-Five 4-0 earlier this week. Republic resident Wesley Scroggins vigorously protested the novel as well as two others because they contained ideas he claimed, "teached contrary ideas to the bible." Scroggins (pictured at right) went on to claim that the novel is "anti-American, anti-Christian, anti-semetic, and just plain filthy."

Wasting no time, the school board in Sparta, Mo, less than 100 miles away, voted today to ban Physics books for biblical contrariness. "Them Physics books tried to tell me that they's stars that are a million light years away," said Physics teacher Joel Yackerman, "which is clearly unpossible."

When reached for comment on the madness of book banning, school board president Prihath replied simply, "this is Sparta!" The pathetic attempt to quote from the film 300 might have made more sense if Sparta High School was the home of the Spartans. It isn't. So what is their mascot in Sparta? The Trojans.

The Sparta Trojans.

Seriously. For those Sparta Trojans in the audience, you see, the Spartans came from Sparta. The Trojans came from Troy. The Spartans, along with their fellow Greeks, killed the Trojans and destroyed the city of Troy so completely that it was thought to be a made-up city for more than a thousand years, all thanks to a clever tactic called a Trojan...nevermind, I think I'll allow the good people of Sparta and Republic, Missouri to go on not knowing about that gem.

Sparta Trojans makes about as much sense as the Wright Brothers High School Gravitys, the Martin Luther King High Ignorant Crackers, or the Hiroshima Prefecture Enola Gays.

How should we as a society go about trying to fix the giant inhabited potholes that litter our Interstates, like Republic and Sparta Missouri? With an attitude that rejects anything that's somehow contray to the bible, and embraces anything that Fox News shouts at them loud enough, there's really only one way:

The Biblical Horse. Or the Spartan Bible? You see what I'm getting at. Let's just hope the Sparta Trojans don't watch Troy or even the "what not to do" example from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.