August 4, 2011
The school board in Republic, Mo voted to ban Slaughterhouse-Five 4-0 earlier this week. Republic resident Wesley Scroggins vigorously protested the novel as well as two others because they contained ideas he claimed, "teached contrary ideas to the bible." Scroggins (pictured at right) went on to claim that the novel is "anti-American, anti-Christian, anti-semetic, and just plain filthy."
Wasting no time, the school board in Sparta, Mo, less than 100 miles away, voted today to ban Physics books for biblical contrariness. "Them Physics books tried to tell me that they's stars that are a million light years away," said Physics teacher Joel Yackerman, "which is clearly unpossible."
When reached for comment on the madness of book banning, school board president Prihath replied simply, "this is Sparta!" The pathetic attempt to quote from the film 300 might have made more sense if Sparta High School was the home of the Spartans. It isn't. So what is their mascot in Sparta? The Trojans.
The Sparta Trojans.
Sparta Trojans makes about as much sense as the Wright Brothers High School Gravitys, the Martin Luther King High Ignorant Crackers, or the Hiroshima Prefecture Enola Gays.
How should we as a society go about trying to fix the giant inhabited potholes that litter our Interstates, like Republic and Sparta Missouri? With an attitude that rejects anything that's somehow contray to the bible, and embraces anything that Fox News shouts at them loud enough, there's really only one way:
The Biblical Horse. Or the Spartan Bible? You see what I'm getting at. Let's just hope the Sparta Trojans don't watch Troy or even the "what not to do" example from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.