Lumpy Junk: Not Child Porn

August 1, 2011

One interesting part of Lumpy Junk is that I get all kinds of statistics about readers, from what browser they use (41% Firefox, 35% Chrome, only 8% use Internet Explorer), to the operating system (1% are from iPad; iPhone has a slight edge on Android), to the nationality of readers (In order: US, Canada, UK, Australia, Germany, New Zealand). But aside from the statistics only nerds could possibly care about the most interesting bit of data I get are the search terms that readers googled which led them to my site.

Here are some of the best search terms:

alabama anchor babies

anchor babies and governor bentley

amy winehouse anorexie

amy winehouse anoreksi

amy winehouse junx 27

squirter hoax

tsa took my clothes off

peeing child

children peeing
Tom Brady Yoda

I really have to wonder why someone searching the web for peeing children, surely for fapping purposes, would stop the jerking to click on "Global Warming Caused by Peeing in Pool Dad Claims." But I guess Lumpy Junk does sound like a site devoted to pictures of unusual genitals. 

I googled "children peeing" to see how high up on the results you'll find some Lumpy Junk. I gave up after 70 pages. Then I tried "children peeing global warming," thinking that this would drastically narrow the results. Even when adding global warming to the search terms, Lumpy Junk didn't show up until page 29 (sandwiched between "Pissing in the Liberal Punch Bowl" and "Teaching Your Children About Anal Sex," an article from The Dakota Voice, warning Dakotans that Obama is trying to teach kindergartners about anal sex). 

So how many pages of search results of "children peeing" did somebody read through to end up at this site? At least 70 pages, probably more like 200 or more. Have you ever looked more than 30 pages into search results? How desperate to find kiddie golden showers do you have to be?

Perhaps I didn't take the naming of my very serious website seriously enough. Lumpy Junk for me is merely a funny phrase. It has a comedic and musical quality. It's both vague and dirty. What do you think of when you hear "lumpy junk." Do you picture some sort of he-she's-peepee? 

When I named this site, I brainstormed several ideas and knew that picking the wrong name would keep the site from racking in the pennies. I narrowed down my options to just two names. One was Lumpy Junk and perhaps instead of sending out a goofy, funny, maybe a little raunchy vibe the name sounds enticing to dudes driving panel vans with the word "candy" spray painted on the side.

Google's First Image for "Lumpy Junk"

Would I be racking in actual dollars instead of the trickle of pennies if I went with that other name? Would I be getting hits from people searching for pictures of peeing children? Do I care? I mean, weirdos might just be my demographic. I guess I should have gone with that other name: "Crossing The Streams."

No joke, that was my other option. I guess it was fate that my work would be associated with underage watersports. What a fate.

I just did a google image search for "lumpy junk" to find a picture at attach to this story. Turns out that 8 of the top 12 results are from this site. Thanks to me, if you do a google image search for lumpy junk, you'll find pictures of Barry Bonds and Michelle Bachmann. No need to thank me.