Script Ideas

11/11/11 11:11 A.M.

Come with me if you want to save
15% or more on your car insurance.

It's a math holiday (in base 10 countries) and so that means it's time once again for me to outline the script ideas I'm currently kicking around.



1. Something Terminator related.

Terminators 1, 2, and 3 are all centered on a mission to kill someone in the past. They begin with a good guy/robot racing against time to get to the target and save them before the bad robot can kill them. Of course it's really close, but the good time traveller gets there just in the nick of time and gets them out of there, and thus leads us on an hour and a half explosion filled chase. But...wait a second. Howcome the time-travellers go back at such exact times as to arrive at the target at the same time. I mean, you'd think sometimes one or the other would get there much sooner. So that's when it hit me:

A good and bad Terminator race to the target, but the bad terminator gets there first, killing infant John Connor. With the target dead, neither Terminator has any purpose any more. So they become roomates in this existential comedy I call, The Ex-Terminators.  The trailer should show them as roommates and arguing about who's turn it is to do the dishes. Then Arnold drives up to a restaurant, "I was told there would be valet parking." Make it two Arnolds, and you've got the best 80s buddy movie of all time.


OR

Seriously guys, that's a lesbian. 

You know how Skynet takes over the military and sends all our drones and shit after us, then we get into a nuclear war. Then somehow the survivors start a guerrilla resistance led by fucking Edward Furlong for some reason? What if instead of it being a whiny bitch from LA, why not have the resistance be a group of soldiers and Al Qaeda. Think about it, Al Qaeda is already fighting against drones, they're probably the best in the world at this kind of warfare. It could be a really interesting unholy alliance. I call it The Turbinator (actually that was Gromling's title).


2. 72.

When a muslim suicide bomber blows himself up along with some infidels, he is instantly transported to heaven and greeted by his 72 dark-haired virgins. However, it's not quite the paradise he pictured, as they are forever virgins who cannot be penetrated, also they are fucking annoying bitches.



3. Queer Madness

Just like Reefer madness, but with teh gays.

Bet you didn't see that coming. 

4. Red Herring

A native American named Red Herring finds a floppy disk that contains all the nuclear launch codes. Then he meets an attractive asian woman and they have kids. Then he opens a deli and they enjoy a lot of smoked meats together. Then it turns out that he's actually not a native american, but a Martian.


5. Existentialist version of Where's Waldo: Why is Waldo?

(They actually just sold the film right to Where is Waldo? so that film is in the works. I'm not kidding)


6. Don't Ask Don't Tell

Basically just Top Gun.


7. A movie where the rapture occurs, but it ends up making the world a much better place as all the illogical people are beamed skyward into the waiting arms of Lord Xenu. I call it: The Crapture.



8. A parody of superhero films called The C-Men. There's Penicillis, he pees fire. And Tangle, she can untanlge any cords in seconds, no matter how tangled. Gender-Man, who can switch gender at will. And of course, Hottie, a hot chick with the power to eat any food, no matter how spicy.

So their powers of course come in handy. They have to hook up a laser to shoot down an incoming asteroid, but the cables are all tangled up, so Tangle goes to work. But then a swarm of cockroaches attack them, so Penicillis pees fire all over them. But then that fire pee starts to build up and burn everyone, so Hottie has to drink his fire piss. And then Gender-Man has to switch to being a woman so he can bear that child of the super villian, but then the cord gets wrapped around the baby's neck, so Tangle of course, untangles it. You see where this is going.


9. Satan Claus

A heart-warming christmas movie about Satan, living on the South Pole, pretending to be Santa Claus. Santa and Satan engage in a christmas holy war, lobbing ICBMs at each other, causing sea-levels to rise drastically. And by ICBMs I of course mean Icy BMs.

10. Toy Story: The College Years

There's a snake in my boot!

So in the world of Toy Story, anything at all considered a toy is actually a living thing with emotions and relationships. Mr. and Mrs. Potato head are actually married and she nags him. So...in this world...doesn't that mean that sex toys are people too. I figure the little sister from Toy Story gets a purple vibrator named Amy. Amy makes friends with the other toys. Then one night, she's selected from the toy chest and then is crammed somewhere. She's badly scarred by this, and then this abuse happens every night. The other toys decide to bust her out and they help Amy escape from the evil vagina. Victorious, the toys go back to their toy chest. The girl comes looking for Amy that night but can't find her, so it's Buzz Lightyear to the Rescue!

US Finally Captures the Flag; begins withdrawing troops from Iraq.

November 5, 2011

"They really hid that flag good," said PFC Tim Johnson, a veteran of three tours. "When we went in in the first place, we figured Saddam would keep the flag on him or at least close to him so he could personally guard it." Upon Hussein's capture in a spider-hole, the flag was not found. Extensive searches were performed on the surrounding area, but the flag was not to be found for another Seven years.

However, today the mission is truly a success as Iraq's flag was found and brought back to base, completing the capture and ensuring Iraq's defeat. So where was it?

They sang "We are the Champions" while
avoiding water balloon barrages. 

PFC Tim Johnson from Abilene, Texas was the man who finally discovered the flag. "They had us looking in holes everywhere, under buildings, we even bulldozed an entire neighborhood on a tip that it was under it. No dice. We looked in their old nuclear reactors, nothing. And then it hit me, where's the last place you would look for a hidden flag? A flag pole!"

Johnson discovered the flag flying proudly at the Baghdad Soccer stadium.

Johnson personally escorted the flag back to base, thus ensuring victory: "It was just like when we raised our flag over Hiroshima and ended the war. It was a lot like that."

CTF_2Fort

But Johnson hasn't let his personal achievement get to his head: "It was a team effort. We couldn't have done it without all the support people we had that were guarding our flag, and of course all the people filling our water balloons."

Saddam Hussein's downfall can now be added to a long list of dictators ended by a flag capture. Even Hitler was done in by a Private that captured his flag. Just this month, Moammar Qaddafi's reign in Libya was ended upon his capture, because, amazingly, he was wearing the flag.  "He really needed to hide that thing better. Lol," the President said when reached for comment.

Wow Them in the End: How To Finish Strong

4 November, 2011

Viking Cops?

It's NaNoWriMo, so you know what that means: lots of idiots penning novels that nobody will ever read (including the writers). Personally I think it should be called NaWhoGivesAShitMo.

Yes it's National Novel Writing Month, where dozens of bloggers and hipsters set out to pen the great novel in just the month of November. So if you see a dirty neckbeard riding a fixie and carrying a typewriter on his back, then you can figure that he's celebrating NaNoWriMo and No-shave-November. Or he's just participating in the Occupy Stereotypes Protest.

So if you are actually participating in NNWM, I'm here to tell you how to write an ending. Of course, I write screenplays, not novels (unless you count that bildungsroman about strippers I wrote when I was 21 [that's not a joke]), so my advice will apply mostly to film, but alas, stories are stories.

Ohhhh, Stars above!

The keys to writing endings:

1. Bookends


Simply have the ending refer back to something that happened at the beginning. It doesn't need to be clever in any way. Take The Social Network for example. Basically the plot shows us how Mark Zuckerberg is a douchebag. The very end is of him adding his ex-gf as a friend on facebook and hitting refresh constantly, waiting for her approval. The film opened with her breaking up with him and she's barely in the rest of the film. It just refers back to something from an hour and a half ago, and if the audience goes "oh yeah, I remember her" they think they "get it" or something and so they feel smart. People love to feel smart.

Another example of this technique would be any movie that uses flashbacks and eventually gets you back there at the end (see: Fight Club, anything by Tarantino)


2. Fuck your main character in the ass

No More Rape! Wooo!

Then murder them, piss on their ashes, shit on their grave, kill their whole family, and then have them miraculously win somehow.

Basically, right before the end, the main character should reach a lowest point, where it seems that not only have they failed, they're doomed, and so are their friends. Look at The Matrix. It's all leading up to Neo being THE ONE. And by The One, we mean Mr. Right for Trinity. So Neo's dead, shot repeatedly, in the real world he flatlines, that's game over. Then Trinity whispers to this dead guy that she loves him and suddenly he comes back to life....cause he's Mr. Right I guess, or One, which...hold on a second, rearranging the letters spells NEO. OMG I get it! This movie is so smart!

Any actiony film will follow this formula, as will just about ALL films. Rom-coms will have the couple break up for a while and seem doomed. Make sure that right before the end it seems that all is lost.

They replace Apollo Creed with a Cow. Goal change!

3. Move the goalposts


Main characters should have one clear big goal. Win the big game. Blow up the Death Star. Have sex. Don't get anally raped (Shawshank Redemption...not sure why he fled to Mexico).

So when everyone knows the goal the question simply becomes, "will they or won't they succeed." This is why sports movies tend to be more cliche. If they win the big game...predictable. If they lose the big game: well aren't you mr. non conformist. Basically you have no way to surprise us, they win or they don't.

UNLESS, you find a way for them to achieve some kind of victory, perhaps a small one, a moral or personal victory while still technically losing. See Rocky. His goal ends up being just proving he can cut it, not that he has to win as a gigantic underdog. If he wins, nobody believes it.

The Departed: Leo is the MC, wants to bring down the big bad mafia guy. Will he succeed? He does! BUT WAIT...there's still the bad guy's mole in his own department. Can he beat him? Ohhh...ohhhh, well fuck. SPOILER ALERT: he fails and is killed. Talk about moving the goalposts. Now defeating this bad guy is passed off to a different character. So we ultimately have a minor character take on a different main goal than was seemingly the main goal of the film. That's a lot of goalpost moving.

4. The Twist

OMG, he's the bad guy!?!?

Twists are tricky because they have to make sense for the whole plot. The easiest, stupidest twist is to reveal that an ally was actually a double-agent. See all bad cop/spy/thrillers. Oh my god, he's on the other side! But when you think through it, you'll realize that the traitor character's actions earlier on rarely make sense. For example, the film Unbreakable turns on a twist that reveals a seeming ally to actually be a supervillain. But he helped along the hero so much, his only goal was to make the hero eventually catch him. He's CRASY!


Howabout an example that comically checks all 4 boxes.

Signs

The Jew Media is trying to get in our brains. 

Mel Gibson is a widow who tries to protect his family from an Alien invasion. We see his wife's death in flashback, and just before she dies, her eyes glass over and she says: "Swing away." Doesn't mean anything. Moving on. The daughter fills a glass of water, takes one sip, says it tastes funny, then sets it somewhere. She fills the house with these glasses of water. The son has bad asthma, and Mel Gibson's brother is a failed minor-league baseball player.

So when Alien shit starts happening, the clear goal is to board up the house, keep the Aliens out. The house is totally taken over by Aliens, they are trapped. They defend the basement, stay safe. They apparently have won. They go back upstairs, seemingly in the clear. BUT THEN. An alien takes the asthmatic son hostage.

Now the goalposts moved, the Alien Invasion is over, there's not an endless horde of bad guys...just this one. So they don't have to mount a huge defense, just kill this one. But how?

The alien then sprays some chemical weapon in the boy's nose. Oh fuck. At that instant, Mel Gibson tells his brother to "swing away," seeing as he's a baseball player, he's bad ass with a bat, so he swings, and hits those water glasses the daughter set out, splashing the alien. TWIST: it turns out the Aliens are allergic to water (glad they picked a planet that's surface is 70% covered in water). So the splashing water kills it or whatever.

So we have the twist, we have the bookends of "Swing away" and Meryl being a baseball player, and the girl leaving the glasses of water, and since the boy's asthma kicked in, the poison couldn't get past his blocked throat. See! Everything happens for a reason. I remember all those things, and then they came up again at the end. Also, while Mel Gibson wasn't dead, his whole goal of protecting his family was nearly a failure as his son passes out from asthma and is taken hostage by an alien that sprays chemical weapons down his throat. BUT he totally lives.

See, it's not that hard.

Think about how dumb that ending is without bookends or a twist. So his wife's last words, and his brother's failed career, and his daughter's weird behavior, and his son's asthma all align to allow them to kill an alien. OR you know...if they just had a water balloon handy. That would have probably worked. Or a gun. Or just an untrained person smashing an alien with a baseball bat would probably do the trick. Or they all could have peed on him. Humans are mostly water, all we really gotta do is bleed on them and they die. What pussies. Our butt-sweat is like anthrax to them.


So those are the simple things you can do, just have somethings come up that were mentioned at the beginning, come up with some twist, have a perfect storm bring the MC to the lowest possible point, then change the goalposts and have them win somehow.  Done.

Let's look at some more examples:


I N C E P T I O N

Wrinkle Twister!

So they are about to accomplish the goal when Leo and Juno are sent down to the infinite subconscious that we've been hearing bad things about all movie. So they're in this lowest point, where they could fail at their mission and be trapped for centuries in this awful sub-dream place that drives them mad. Quite a low point. Then, we realize that we've seen this before. The film actually opened on this, but then flashedback several weeks or months. So we've bookended to something that the audience saw at the beginning. Remember that opening, Leo wakes up in the Ocean, then is brought in front of a really old Asian guy, then it kind of jump-cuts to Leo in the same room in front of the same Asian guy but younger. This beginning doesn't really make sense on first viewing, we don't know at all what's being implied and then it flashes back a long time, but we don't really know that it's a flashback. So basically it only really serves a purpose to A. give you that "Oh right, at the beginning, I get it," moment on first viewing. So then from this lowest point, book-ending twist ends up changing the goalposts drastically as Juno and Leo now have a completely different goal.

Imagine the ending not having that bookending which doesn't really accomplish anything in the first act, it's simply there to be recalled later. Imagine it isn't such a perfect storm of a shitty situation, and that the goal doesn't change from the previous level. Suddenly it ain't so climactic or "profound."


Minority Report

So Tom Cruise is accussed of the future murder of a man he doesn't even know. He knows he's not a killer, so how could this possibly be true? About all we know about him is that he's a great cop, an upholder of justice, protector of the innocent, and that he is haunted by the kidnapping and probably murder of his son. So what could be a lower point than discovering the killer of his son and being faced with the choice of killing this man, but becoming a murderer, or letting him live. What if instead of being his son's kidnapper, the temptation is that the guy hired a hitman to kill Tom Cruise or something. He could have been a really bad guy that needed to be killed. But that wouldn't make for a very personal involvement for Tommie. What's the one weakness that Tom Cruise has? His son. So of course, that's going to be a factor.

I like surfing movies. 

Always make the lowest point the "Perfect Storm" for that character. It has to be the worst possible thing to happen to them. Not just a bad thing, but the one thing. They're afraid of snakes, so of course it's an anaconda. They're afraid of heights, so they have to walk a high-wire. Make it a perfect storm. Thinking backwards from the perfect storm can give you character ideas. They need a weakness or a flaw in order to have a perfect storm. So figure out what that perfect storm bad thing might be and work backwards to that character flaw.


So there you have it. Give it a twist, move the goalposts, make it rain a shit-ton, and show them something they remember from an hour and a half ago. That'll make it "deep."

All Shallow's Eve

October 25, 2011

Wow, those costumes are great. I could have
sworn I was looking at real sluts.

It's almost Halloween, so I'm going to explain to you people how to come up with a good costume.


1. Be Slutty


Wear as little as possible. Get naked, then cover up as little of yourself as possible, then say you're going as a "Sexy _____."

Just come up with something to put in the blank. Here's a few ideas:


A. Put on a dog collar : Sexy Lassie.

B. Put on a beard: Sexy Chuck Norris

C. Cover your face in cocaine:  Lindsay Lohan

She's going as an inside-out cow.

D. Cover yourself in red meat: Sexy Cow/Lada Gaga

E. Put a trash bag on your head : Sexy Baby Lisa


2. Too Soon


Go as someone who just died. Al Davis doesn't count, he's been dead since 1993. Or go as an event.

A. Wear a cardboard box covered in Foil with a model airplane crashing into the side: 9/11

B. Dress up in the shape of Japan somehow, drink 4 red bulls, and you'll vibrate your way to a hit costume.

C. Peyton Manning jersey + neck brace = millions of pissed off colts fans. (See also: Bernard Pollard jersey)

D. Put hair in a pony tail and just look like a bitch: Casey Anthony.

Never forget.

E. Look like a small jewish girl and carry a diary around : Helen Keller.


3. Have some jokes


Last year I went as Harry Potter/stripper. That is, it was like you had booked a harry potter themed stripper to come to your party. I went up to people with my magic wand (slim jims) and offered to cast a spell of protection. Abracadabra and here's a condom. Then I offered to magically make people sexier, then handed them gum. Also I had a banana in my pants.

A. Go as 9/11, whenever anyone asks what you are, very very seriously say "you said you'd never forget."

B. Dress like a caveman, dirty as shit, loin cloth, then run around screaming "Wilson!?!?"

Tap that keg.

C. Dress like Michelle Bachman (crazy eyes), and then say any of the stupid things she has said (Carbon Dioxide is safe because it's a natural product of nature, I'm the only person that said they'd build a double wall on the border, etc.)

D.  Go as a dog then hit on girls by saying, "I want to get your leg pregnant." or "I'd bury my bone in her backyard."

E. Go as a cat and then say and do nothing, just stare at people with utter contempt.

F. Dress like an old person, then chug a bottle of whisky. You'll have no idea what the fuck is going on or where you are for the rest of the night: Alzheimers.


4. Puns 


Make your costume into a pun. I was once called "Cougar bait" by a middle aged woman, prompting someone to suggest to me that for Halloween I simply show up to a party covered in raw meat..."Cougar Bait." Here's a helpful tip: try not to creep the fuck out of everyone.


A. Tape dozens of razer blades to your hands and feet : Blade Runner

B. Cover your entire body in green jello and leaves : Forrest Gump

C. Dress up as a giant douche : Nickelback

D. Does Hipster Hitler count as a pun?

E. Print off thousands of pictures of your friends and glue them all over your body. Then wear a dust jacket: Facebook.


5. Offend your friends.


One year as a kid, I went trick-or-treating as a "fat guy." Then a stranger asked me what I was, a particularly portly stranger, and so...yeah that was awkward.

A. Go as one of your friends. Steal some of their clothes, and just generally pretend to be a moronic version of them all night, including hitting on strangers using his/her name and phone number.

B. Dress like a complete slut, offer to give free HJs or fifty-cent BJs, or do anal if they buy you one of those cheesy hot dogs at quicktrip for you. When anyone asks who you are : "Your Mom." Another variation is to answer that you're one of your friend's girlfriends. It's comedy gold.

Here's a few more:

Go as a friend's recently deceased grandparent.
Go as your friend's recently miscarried/aborted fetus.
Go as your friend's under utilized penis.
Go as your friend's over utilized vagina.



So there you have it. Folks. Happy trick-or-treating. Or as Tibbs' Mom calls it "sucking dick for candy."

Tony Gonzalez: Best Receiver Not Named Rice?

16 October, 2011

When he retires he plans to be a fire
department's designated baby-catcher.

Tony Gonzalez can move into 2nd all-time in receptions today. He has 1,096 and is 4th. Cris Carter had 1,101 for 3rd and Marvin Harrison is 2nd with 1,102. 1st all time is a bit out of reach. Rice had 1,549. He needs 7 catches to move into second.

I don't mean to alarm you, but if you look up the active leaders in career receiving yards in the NFL, you'll find Tony Gonzalez at the top of the list. I would imagine this is the first time in history that a Tight End has held this distinction.

He gave up Basketball because it was far too easy.

Pro Football Reference actually lists him at #3 with 12,752 yards, trailing Randy Moss with 14,858 and Terrell Owens with 15,934. Moss retired and Owens is a free agent, though he claims he's coming back. So depending on how strictly you define "active," you could have Tony G on top.

Gonzalez is the best Tight End ever. He holds all TE records there are to be had. He's also a hell of a blocker.

Some of the TEs these days are more like Wide Receivers. They line up outside more, they aren't often asked to act like an Offensive Tackle and help pound the rock. So some of these younger TEs are putting up bigger numbers than Tony did, but it's almost like they play a different position. Tony was part of the offensive lines that made Priest Holmes, Larry Johnson, and Michael Turner into running machines, while he was also setting records as a receiver.

He gets confused about the NFL's alley-oop rules.

So clearly he's accomplished more than any other TE. But is he one of the best Receivers of all-time?

We like to talk about how many 1000-yard seasons receivers have, because we like base-10. Tony G has 8 900-yard seasons and 4 1000-yard seasons.

In 2004 he led the league in receptions. He's caught at least 70 balls in 11 seasons.

He's 14th on the all-time list for receiving yards, ahead of Art Monk and Michael Irvin.

AND-1

By the end of this season, he'll probably pass Irving Fryar (needs 33 yards), Steve Largent (needs 350 yards), Andre Reed (needs 450 yards), and could pass Torry Holt (needs 650). If he plays next year he could pass Henry Ellard (about 1000 behind him), Cris Carter (about 1200), and James Lofton (1400 or so). He could easily be 7th on the all time list in 15 months.

He's 9th all-time in Touchdown catches. 1st amongst active players (again if you don't count Moss and Owens).

Tony G's greatness goes beyond statistics.

He saved a man's life with the heimlich maneuver. A Charger fan.

He literally saved a man's life by knocking him over. No seriously, he ran into a photographer after a play, causing a concussion which led to doctors discovering a brain tumor that would have otherwise gone unnoticed. That's Jesus territory.

Oh and he literally fucks October. And I mean literally, because he's like Paul Bunyan. His wife's name is October, but it's also the month his teams have the best record. So when Tony bangs October, they made a River...River Gonzalez. Seriously, he IS Paul Bunyan.

And he's only ever missed 2 games. Drafted in 1997, he missed one game in '99 and another in '06. That's it. That's 231 games in the NFL.

Before Leaf and Manning there was the
Lafleur/Gonzalez debate. Good call Cowboys.

The sad footnote to his career is 0 playoff wins. He lost to the '97 Broncos as Elway led them to a championship. He lost in '03 to Manning and the Colts in a game that had no punts. He lost to the '06 Colts on their way to a Super Bowl win. And he lost to Aaron Rodgers and the Super Bowl champion Packers last year.

Tony recently said he could play another 3 years. It sounds ridiculous. But you know what, Tony Gonzalez is pretty ridiculous.

He's a hall of famer without doubt. But at some point we're going to have to stop thinking of Tight Ends and Wide Receivers as totally different positions. So where does he rank amongst TEs and H-Backs and Wideouts and whatever the hell Reggie Bush is? That's what we're going to have to figure out at some point. (Just not about Reggie Bush, he sucks. FYI, Reggie Bush has fewer rushing yards in the NFL than Mark Brunell.)

So today, watch for Tony G to maybe move into #2 all time in receptions.

Kurt Warner: The Greatest of All-Time

Man, the X-files were great.

Kurt Warner isn't a lock for the hall of fame. He only started 116 games and won one super bowl. Eli Manning is at 108 games and counting (without missing one) and has a ring too. One thing the Hall looks for is longevity. They don't like guys that were great for a couple of years. They like the Jerry Rices and the Reggie Whites. Kurt Warner just doesn't fit that bill. 


He might still make it based more on his public image and the underdog story he embodied, but I think that's missing the point.


If you were building a franchise and could pick any QB in history to be your guy, maybe you go Brady, Manning, Montana, Elway, Marino, and you'd have success for a decade and a half.


If you had to win one game and could pick any QB in his prime to lead your team, I'd pick Kurt Warner. Just one game? Warner is the guy. And here's why:

Here come the PANTHERS

1. Kurt Warner has only ever started all 16 games three times in his career. 


He's tough, it's not because he can't take the pounding, it's because he never gives up on the play. He hangs in there and waits for that opening. He takes more sacks, but also makes big plays. 


So when he stays healthy and plays all 16 games, how does his team fare in the playoffs? Oh They went to the Super Bowl every year. Like clockwork. Warner's totally healthy? Super Bowl bound. One year he started 15 games, that was 2009. They beat Green Bay in a shootout to open the playoffs, then went to New Orleans and lost to the eventual champs. So in the 4 years he played more than 11 games, his playoff record was 9-3. And every one of those losses was to the eventual champion.




2. He is unstoppable in the playoffs. 

"Pop" Warner.

There are plenty of QBs that can put up monster numbers in the regular season, but when the games start to really count, suddenly it's like they just graduated from college to the pros. The hits are harder, everyone's covered, they make mistakes. 


Peyton Manning's QB rating is about 7 points lower in the postseason (94.9 to 88.4). Tom Brady's is 10 points lower (95.7 to 85.7). Joe Montana, Mr. Clutch, goes up about 3 points in the postseason (92.3 to 95.6).  Warner goes up nearly 10 points, from 93.7 to 102.3. That means that the degree to which Brady gets worse in the playoffs, Warner changes that much, but for the better. 


Warner's career playoff stats:
3952 Yards, 31 TD 14 INT, 66.5% 


Tom Brady's playoff stats:
4407 Yards, 30 TD, 16 INT, 62.2%

Hey Trent, can I play? LOL

Hey, they're almost the same! So Warner's playoff resume should be just about as good as Brady's unless you're just looking at SB wins. 


Oh wait, Brady has played in 19 playoff games. Warner only 13. It took Brady 6 more playoff games to have 1 fewer TD, 2 more INTs, and only 450 more yards. 


Warner throws for 306 yards per game in the playoffs. Extrapolate his 13 career playoff games into a 16 game season and it looks like this:


4864 Yards (only 220 shy of the NFL record), 38 TDs, 17 INTs.

You're too old Kurt.

That's how good he is in just playoff games. For comparison, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, the last 2 guys to set the single-season TD record (50 and 49), have only ever thrown for 38 TDs in a season once each, the year they set the record. Marino only ever did it twice. And that's in the regular season, not the playoffs.


Another metric to look at is yards per attempt, which shows how much the QB is stretching the field. Some teams use dump-offs as essentially an aspect of the running game, which inflates their passing numbers. 


Here's some career YPA numbers:
Brady 7.5
Manning 7.6
Marino 7.3
Montana 7.5
Warner 7.9

Time to see what the kid can do.

Go to their career playoff numbers and it looks like this:
Brady 6.5
Manning 7.5
Marino 6.5
Montana 7.8
Warner 8.5


Again we see evidence that when Kurt drops back to pass, he ain't looking to dump it off. He wants it all. 

One of these guys is the quarterback of the future.

3. He's TOO Good.

With just over 2 minutes to go in Super Bowl 34, the Titans just tied the game 16-16. Kurt Warner and the Rams take over at their 27 yard line. This is the Joe Montana, Tom Brady moment. Where the QB leads his team on a game winning drive to run out the clock as time expires.

 NO JUST KIDDING. This is the part where Kurt Warner throws a 73 yard touchdown bomb on the first play. Because Warner is TOO GOOD, they left a lot of time on the clock, enabling the Titans to come just a yard short.

I'd like to thank our defense for letting
Warner torch them and leaving me some time.

Two years later, Super Bowl 36. The story we remember is that Patriots shutting down the Rams greatest show on turf, and Tom Brady leading the great drive to win the game. However, Warner threw for the 2nd highest yard total in Super Bowl history. 

The Rams trailed 17-3 mid-way through the 4th quarter. He led the Rams back to tie the game. The Rams toook the ball on their 45, with 1:51 left, down by a touchdown. This is going to be the moment, right? Where Warner leads a dink-and-dunk touchdown drive? No.


Three complete passes later and the rams were in the end zone. Warner was too good, leaving the Patriots too much time on the clock, enough for Vinatieri to win it.

7 years later. Cardinals, Steelers. Warner took a sub-par team, once laughed at as the worst playoff team in history, threw them on his god-like throwing arm and nearly won the whole damn thing.

Having trailed the entire game, the Cards took over on their own 36 with 3 minutes to go, down 20-16. It took only 2 plays, one for 3 yards, and the other a 64 yard pass to Larry Fitzgerald. A magnificent 21 second drive to the endzone and to take the lead in the super bowl. 

Thanks Kurt.

Unfortunately, Warner was too good, left too much time on the clock, and the result was Santonio Holmes tiptoing a TD with mere seconds left.

We so often measure greatness in a QB by wins and losses. But it is a team sport. While Troy Aikman, Ben Roethlisberger, and Tom Brady have quarterbacked teams to 3 or more super bowl appearances, they had great coaching staffs, excellent protection, and most of all, a defense that could win championships. Just ask Trent Dilfer about a great defense. 

While it's a passing league now, you don't often see teams that are Pass-first, run-second, winning championships. How many can you think of? The Saints in the epic Saints-Colts Super Bowl. The Colts in 06? Well, they actually ran more in that rainy super bowl. The answer is not many. Most super bowls are won by great defenses, strong clock-controlling running games, and effective quarterbacks that don't make mistakes.

Kurt Warner typically had none of those advantages. He had himself, a split second to throw the ball, and his receivers. With just that, he was the definition of clutch. He would have won 3 super bowls, with 3 game-winning or tying drives in the final minutes, capped with touchdown passes. In fact, those 3 drives only took him a total of 6 plays. 

Damnit Kurt, couldn't you have scored faster?

But we remember more the last second heroics of the other team either beating his defense, or his defense making a miraculous stop. 

Remember the 2007 Patriots, when Tom Brady became a Touchdown machine. How'd that Super Bowl end? Brady led a 12 play, 80 yard drive to the end zone to take a 14-10 lead with 2:42 left. Remember that? No, we remember the Giants desperation drive down the field to take the lead with little time left. It's the curse of the great passing team. They can't control the clock. They leave too much time for heroics.

Imagine if Warner had been a first round pick, a guy given the reigns at 22, a solid defense, a great coaching staff. What could he have done in a 14 year career? Instead, he was overlooked, finally got a chance, and won the whole damn thing, wasn't that long before they took his team away to give it to a younger QB. Then he got a new team, but not for long, he was just keeping it warm for a great new rookie. Then again. The dude never quit, and when it came down to the end of games and seasons, he never flinched.

5084

October 12, 2011

The Greatest Show on Burgh. 

Through 5 weeks, 5 Quarterbacks are on pace to break Marino's single-season passing yards record of 5084:

Tom Brady 6000
Drew Brees 5664
Aaron Rodgers 5504
Cam Newton 5152
Tony Romo 5088 (through 4 games and a punctured lung)

Of course a pace through 5 games won't hold up, but the fact that we have 5 QBs on this pace tells me that it's pretty likely that one of them will be able to break 5100 yards.

HOWEVER, passing yards isn't a great indicator of success. Yeah it's good to have a hell of a passing game, but consider this stat:

The league leader in passing yards has NEVER led his team to a super bowl victory. You would think that in 40+ years, the QB with the most yards would have accomplished this feat. You would be wrong.

That's a sexy yellow. 

If you look at the list of QB seasons sorted by passing yards, with Marino's  5084 in '84 at number one, and Drew Brees 5069 in 2008 as number two, you have to go all the way to the 34th best year to find Peyton Manning's 2006 season to find a super bowl winner. Drew Brees '09 season is 35th, and Kurt Warner's '99 season is 39th. But after that, you won't find another super bowl winner until Brady in '05 at 67th. After that you won't find another SB winner in the top 100.

Those are definitely real. 

(Source)

Going back to Marino's record, here is how the team with the QB that led the league in yards fared:

2010 Colts - Lost wild card weekend.
2009 Texans - Missed the playoffs.
2008 Saints - Missed the playoffs.
2007 Patriots - Lost SB.
2006 Saints - They make it to the Conference Championship and get blown out by the Bears.
2005 Cardinals - Kurt Warner, Anquan Boldin, Larry Fitzgerald...5-11
2004 Colts - Pats had their number (20-3)
2003 Colts - Pats got them in AFC title game.
2002 Raiders - Lost in SB.
2001 Rams - Lost in SB.

2000 Rams - Lost wild card weekend.
1999 Panthers - Missed Playoffs (Yeah Steve Beuerlein led the league in passing, not Warner)
1998 Vikings - Lost in Conference Championship (huge upset)
1997 Seahawks (w/ Warren Moon) - Missed Playoffs
1996 Jaguars - Lost AFC title game.
1995 49ers - Lost first playoff game to Packers.
1994 Patriots - Lost wildcard weekend.
1993 Dolphins - Started 9-2, lost 5 straight to miss playoffs.
1992 Oilers - Lost first playoff game to Buffalo after blowing a 35-3 lead.
1991 Oilers - Lost divisional round game at Denver.
1990 Oilers - Lost 41-14 Wild Card game to the Bengals.
1989 Redskins - Missed Playoffs.
1988 Dolphins - Missed Playoffs.
1987 49ers - lost after first round bye.
1986 Dolphins - Missed Playoffs.
1985 Chargers - Missed Playoffs.

Mort! Wait...Gary!...no wait. Hold on. 

1984 Dolphins - Lost to 49ers in SB, 38-16.

So in 27 seasons, the QB with the most yards missed the playoffs 10 times, lost right away 7 times, had one of the biggest end of year collapses (9-2 start to miss playoffs), one of the biggest upsets in conference title history (98 Vikings lose to the Falcons), gave up the biggest comeback ever (led 35-3 in the second half against a backup QB and lost), and lost 4 Super Bowls, including the infamous 18-1.

Seems to be a curse not a blessing.

So while we might be ready to admit that Defense wins championships, it does seem that racking in gaudy passing stats doesn't.
There are a few reasons for this.

1. Teams that win big don't need to pass a lot, they'll rack up more rushing yards in garbage time, while teams playing lots of close games or playing from behind will keep throwing late into the game.

The Reich Stuff

2. A solid run game that controls the clock might not be as sexy, but it wins championships.

3. You can throw all over the field in the regular season, but come playoff time, somebody will figure out how to stop you. It's just the nature of the playoffs. Ask Peyton or Dan.

The only QB that really came close to confounding these factors was Kurt Warner, who I think is the best playoff QB ever... More to come.

The Expos

6 October, 2011

They're called the Expos cause they
got some splainin to do. 

Exposition, that is.

The KEY to exposition is to make your audience want to know the information you're trying to tell them. Sounds easy enough.

Here are some strategies.

1. The Mystery

The Matrix's first 30 or so minutes is basically a mystery. We know that Trinity and Agent Smith can jump impossibly high, and then she sorta vanishes some how. Then there's the "bugging," and the mouth closing over. Basically there's a bunch of things that are impossible in the real world. Then we have Neo mention, and wonder aloud about what the matrix is. The audience is along with Neo as he's trying to figure out what the Matrix is. So when we have that set piece where Morpheus directly explains what the Matrix is, it's mind blowing instead of dull exposition.

You take the Red Pill, then I explain a bunch of crap to you.

The Thirteenth Floor, which is a very similar movie from the same year uses the same thing. Except they use the mystery as almost the entire plot.

Instead of coming right out to the audience and saying "Okay, so this movie is set in the year 1995 and there are wizards." You can have little hints about the fact that wizards or magic exists and then the main character and the audience are looking for clues about what's going on.

What's he standing on?

The mystery plot is overdone in sci-fi and stories set in the future. For example, the Will Smith I, Robot film is entirely based on a murder mystery. The founder of US Robotics, James Cromwell, perhaps jumped to his death. Will Smith thinks it's murder and is suspicious of all robots. So you go along with Will Smith as he suspects a robot, then a broader plot, and then a robot takeover of the planet. He follows hints left by James Cromwell. Ultimately it turns out that the giant AI running the robots and the city infrastructure decides to takeover the world in order to prevent human deaths from wars and pollution and such. And James Cromwell wanted to stop it, so he commanded a robot to kill him, and then left these hints for one specific detective to follow so he can stop the AI from taking over the world. But...wait a second. Why have yourself killed to leave cryptic hints? Why not just call him up and tell him what's up? Or, since he's the founder of US Robotics, and works in the same building as the evil AI...why doesn't he just destroy the AI like he vicariously gets Will Smith to do? It really doesn't make sense if you think about it. The screenwriter decided it would work better if there was a mystery angle and didn't bother to make Cromwell's actions realistic or logical.

2. The Lay Person

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away...they had these laser
sword things and they went all WOOSH and were awesome.

Make a character not know the exposition either. Luke Skywalker doesn't know much about the force, and neither does the audience. Then it makes sense to have someone explain it to them. See many other movies.

3. The Info Dump

Lord of the Rings and Star Wars are pretty big fans of this. Just throw a ton of information at the audience right off the bat. Make them read if you want to. This is the laziest and least dramatic way to do it. However, it can be effective for delivering a lot of information quickly and therefore getting the story moving faster.

4. Small Talk

"Hey Timothy Johnson, how are you doing since your son, Chris, died five years ago. I bet that's been hard to get over. How is your wife, Cindy, handling it?"

This happens far too often in films. You can adeptly deliver exposition through conversation, but it takes some finesse, other wise a lot of the audience will immediately see right through it.

5. The Expostion Device

Nice head. Too bad it got blown off. I mean...oral sex. 

Starship Troopers uses the fake propaganda videos to deliver information quickly. The beginning of Tropic Thunder shows a fake trailer for a movie starring each of the main characters, thus establishing each character and their acting persona very very quickly and it's funny. Get Him to the Greek uses a similar device, a music video for Russell Brand's musician character. Children of Men uses a news report about the death of the world's youngest person, an 18 year old, to very quickly establish that there are no kids being born.

6. Bad Narration

(V.O.) And then I pointed my gun at him and
made a squinty, wrinkled brow look to show
him I meant business.

The use of a voice over at the beginning or peppered throughout is the favorite tactic of meddling studio execs trying to ruin a film. They thought Blade Runner needed a poorly worded voice over to make it make sense. They thought Dark City's mystery plot was too confusing so they just had Kiefer Sutherland deliver a short narration at the beginning that gives away most of the mystery plot, thus leaving the audience watching the main character stumble around in the dark trying to figure out the mystery that the voice over just gave away. Not all voice overs are bad, but it's usually a bad sign.

7. The Status Quo Beat

One of the most popular ways to deliver exposition is to have a 10-15 minute sequence at the beginning of the film, showing the main character in action doing what they do, prior to the real inciting incident. In Raiders of the Lost Ark, we get to see Indiana on a mission, running from the big-ass ball, and then he goes back to being a teacher. Then the real plot begins. We've established his character by showing him in action. Minority Report (another Spielberg flick) does the same thing. We see Pre-Crime in action for a quick mission, establishing the characters, the setting, Pre-crime and how it works, and all while on an otherwise meaningless mission that has nothing to do with the real plot. That starts right after we've set up the status quo. Gladiator also uses this method. There's a quick battle that has nothing to do with the bigger plot, but establishes Maximus as a badass.

Before we get to the plot, first we have to show
the audience how this cool Operating System works. 

So if you have a lot of information to deliver, you are probably going to use one of these. Your situation dictates your choices to some extent. If you have no lay-persons that need things explained to them, then that's obviously out. The info dump, the small talk, and the bad narration approaches are the laziest. Unless you really know what you're doing, I'd advise against them. That just leaves the Mystery, the Device, and the Status Quo beat. Mystery works well, but does take up plot time, so if you have a more complicated plot in mind, perhaps the exposition shouldn't dominate the first bit of plot time. The Expo device is one of my favorite, but you need to find a way to make it original or to have it not be so transparently exposition. The Status quo beat is one of the safest ways of doing it. You give us the setting, the main character, lay down some rules for how this universe works, but without the pressure of having to get to the big plot just yet. It forces you to find something actiony for the characters to do, and that's basically the candy to help the medicine go down. Exposition is the medicine. Don't forget that, the audience doesn't like it. They're like dogs, you gotta hide it in their food.