Lebron's Talents Found At Baggage Claim In South Beach

June 11, 2011

A year ago, Lebron James gave the verbal jab heard round the world. He was taking his talents to South Beach. Five games into the NBA Finals, Lebron's famous talents have gone missing. Through five games he has yet to score any points in the fourth quarter when the score is within 5 points. In other words, when the going gets tough, Lebron gets stiff and useless like an infant's boner. Seriously, why do infants get boners?

Well it turns out that Lebron has been playing through serious adversity. He lost his talents in the move to Miami. "I don't know where I put them," James said, "I swear I packed them in my suitcase, right between my Yankees boxers and my guitar hero guitar." But when James arrived in South Beach, his talents were nowhere to be found.

"I suspected the TSA and baggage handlers of stealing my talents," James said on Friday. ESPN Anchor John Anderson suggested "Lebron James should play hockey, they don't have a fourth quarter." When reached for comment, James claimed he was unfamiliar with the sport but that he would look into it. "Periods!? That sounds disgusting," James added.

Well Heat fans can relax. They may be down 3-2 in the series but their victory has been assured. Lebron found his talents. "I saw this bag sitting off in the corner," Michael Ware, a baggage handler for United Airlines said, "I opened it up and bam, right there, Lebron's talents in a neat little package." Lebron insisted that the package was larger than reported.

All of Lebron's talents from Cleveland are now back. No more disappearing at the end of games. No more three quarter performances. King James found his crown. Now there's just the formality of finding that ring.

Alabama's Anti-Immigration Law Aimed At Anchor Babes Accidentally Legalizes Infanticide

June 10, 2011

Yesterday Governor Bentley signed HB 56, the nation's strictest legislation aimed at illegal immigration, into law. The law follows in the footsteps of Arizona's laws. If the police have "reasonable suspicion" that a person is an illegal immigrant, the police are obligated to demand proof of citizenship. Additionally, illegal immigrants cannot attend college or attempt to get a job. Any employer with an illegal on staff cannot fire or decline to hire any legal resident.

These measures are clearly aimed at making the state so inhospitable to illegals, or those with dark skin, as to deter them from ever coming to the state in the first place. "It's ironic," said Arthur Allred, a history professor at the University of Alabama, "This state was founded on slavery, they fought to keep slavery, and illegal immigrants are a kind of pseudo-slave class." Allred makes a strong case: Illegals tend to be uneducated, they work for next-to-nothing, and they will work in any condition without any threat of complaint to any higher authority. "Illegals are basically slaves that you don't house or feed, but give them just enough money to take care of themselves," Allred added, "They're low-maintenance slaves. Yet, Alabamans are so bigoted that they think their problems are caused by the very people they exploit."

Economist and Alabaman Leroy Clark disagrees. "These people come to a place they don't belong and take away our jobs. And don't tell me they only take the crappy jobs nobody wants. Just last week my wife gave birth and her doctor was named something like 'say-jeet' or something, he's probably working for a buck an hour."

The most disturbing provision of the new law is aimed at preventing illegals from having so-called "Anchor babies." Governor Bentley explains, "They get here illegally, pop out a kid, and bam they got a citizen. That's just down-right unAmerican. We gotta protect our pure citizenship." The "Anchor Baby Clause" circumvents the Citizenship Clause of the 14th amendment (which stipulates that anybody born in the US is a citizen) by declaring that a fetus does not become a person at birth, but rather when it begins speaking English. "That'll give us time to deport the anchor babies before they steal our language," Governor Bentley said.

The ACLU has filed an injunction to prevent the law from going into effect before a higher court rules on its constitutionality. ACLU spokewoman Joan Fiero pointed out the hypocrisy of the clause, "Just six months ago they passed a law making fetuses people in a back-handed attempt to ban all abortion. Now they say personhood begins when you speak English. If this law is held-up, then not only will abortion be legal, but so would infanticide. Children up to 1 or 2 could be legally aborted."

Governor Bentley doesn't agree with the ACLU's interpretation: "The ACLU needs to go back to France and defend the rights of Porn-Devil worshipers to eat babies." When reached for comment, the Porn-Devil said, "If you want to eat babies, Alabama is the place to be."

Global Warming Caused By Peeing In The Pool, Dad Claims

June 9, 2011

"All the urine mixes with the chlorine and it becomes Thermite," Mike Johnson, 47, said to his children and their friends. "Peeing in the pool is like punching mother nature in the taint," Johnson explained. This local father claims to have the research to backup his claims. "I do the science from time-to-time," he said on Wednesday.

"You get lazy and pee in the pool, then that makes more Thermite which evaporates and golden showers the earth and makes it warmer. Then you have hotter summers and more people in the pool. Boom, more piss in more pools. It's a pissious cycle."

While Johnson's independent research has yet to be published, he claims this is due to a vast conspiracy in the scientific community. "The pool cleaning cartel doesn't want anyone to know," local conspiracy expert Gurt B. Frobe said, "If you expose them, they'll stab you in the face...with a soldering iron."

Johnson's Pee Warming Theory has gained traction thanks to Glenn Beck's radio program. "We've all been in a pool and felt a wave of warmth as a little fucker swam by you," Beck said, "those kids are getting their global warming all over you, you can feel it."

Front-runner for the Republican nomination in 2012, Sarah Palin, said that she has a "no pee policy" in the works for her campaign. "My lady parts are for miracles not disasters."

Skeptics in the community have expressed doubts about Johnson's piss theory. "This is an insane theory," said Dearth Wilkins, a skeptic, "how does chlorine make thermite? Besides, it got down to like 63 degrees last night, how could that happen if there was global warming?"

While the issue is still up for debate, one thing is for sure: Sarah Palin can warm my globe any day.

NBA Finals Ends in Stalemate: Heat and Mavericks Split Championship

June 8, 2011
Dallas, Texas

A fevered Dirk Nowitzki led a late comeback in decisive Game 4 of the NBA Finals. The Mavericks and Heat end the best-of-4 series tied at two games a piece. The split title will undoubtedly spark renewed debate over the playoff format. "It's a shame we can't settle this on the court," Nowitzki said after the game, "The fans want it, the players want it, the networks want it. It doesn't make any sense."

The NBA has stubbornly held on to their outdated playoff format as other leagues have taken measures to ensure that no season will end in a tie. Commissioner David Stern defended the league's playoff format, "You have to remember that a lot of these players are 19, 20, 21 years of age and are still learning."

Congressman Gibson (R-NY) is pushing for a congressional intervention. "There's no good reason they can't have a proper championship. The only reason it doesn't happen is because of corruption. Follow the money." It's a poorly kept secret that NBA players often accept improper benefits. Chris Webber, former Michigan Wolverine, knows first hand how scandals can ruin a legacy. "I guarantee that one of these teams will get caught. In a few years they'll vacate their share of the championship and we'll finally have a real national champion."

While the Heat and Mavericks are Co-Champions of the playoffs, we will have to wait until Wednesday to learn who wins the AP Championship as voted on by members of the press. The Los Angles Lakers are currently the favorite to repeat their title.

Here's to hoping the NBA comes to its senses and we can decide champions on the court rather than in court.

Al Davis Hires Xbox 360 Madden World Champion as Offensive Coordinator

June 7, 2011
Oakland, CA

Madden Bowl XXI was held in Miami over the weekend. Scores of the greatest video gamers in the world brought their talents to South Beach to see who would be crowned as this year's greatest Madden player on the Xbox 360. Bobby Seevers, 14, from Kansas City, Missouri, came into the weekend as the defending champion and favorite. Sunday evening he closed out his opponent to secure his second straight title and the $100,000 prize. But the real prize was still to come.

Raiders owner, octogenarian Al Davis, was in attendance at the tournament and shortly after Seevers capped off his victory, Davis hired him as the Raiders new Offensive Coordinator. Davis had run one of the most successful football franchises for decades, but the last decade has proven to be more bizarre than good.

The Raiders have been marred by recent draft busts. Davis chose JaMarcus Russell with the first pick in the 2007 draft. Russell is already out of the league. Davis is known for wanting a vertical passing game. He traded for Randy Moss in 2004, and in 2007 he selected the only quarterback in memory that could throw the ball 70 yards from his knees. Unfortunately for the Raiders, making draft picks isn't as easy as picking the guy with the strongest arm or the quickest feet.

 In 2009, the Raiders used the 7th overall pick on Darrius Heyward-Bey, receiver out of Maryland, after he ran the fastest 40-yard dash at the combine. Heyward-Bey was considered a 2nd round talent around the league. His 40-yard dash raised eyebrows, but his lackluster years in college had him ranked outside the top 5 of receivers in the draft. Heyward-Bey has floundered while receivers picked after him such as Michael Crabtree, Jeremy Maclin, and Percy Harvin are on their way to stardom.

Some in the media have remarked that Davis seemed to be making draft choices as if he was playing a video game. You want a quarterback? Sort the players by arm strength and pick the top guy. Want a receiver? Sort by speed. You want a wacky offense filled with trick plays, onside kicks, and no punts ever? Hire 14-year old Bobby Seevers, Madden World Champion.

That's right folks, a 14-year old who never punts, always onside kicks, always goes for two, runs incessant trick plays, and makes the wildcat look tame is now calling the plays for the Oakland Raiders. No word yet if he throws a tantrum and hits the reset button when he's losing. EA Sports is already in talks with Twentieth Century Fox to turn this story into a feature film. The project is tentatively titled Just Win Baby, which is the Raiders motto.

And if you believe that, I have a screenplay for you.

This Year's Obligatory List of Driving Safety Tips

June 6, 2011

This year, approximately 5 million new drivers will take to the streets of the US. Driving has become more difficult as the number of distractions have skyrocketed. This year's crop of new drivers may be the most distracted generation ever. With that in mind, here's a good set of safety rules for those new drivers, and you more experienced wheelmen and ladies might learn a thing or two as well.

1. Wear a helmet. Airbags and seat belts are good, but a helmet will protect your vital brain much better.

2. Keep just one hand on the wheel. Airbags deploy violently and may break your wrist.

3. When you first set off, weave back and forth frequently to warm up and clean your tires for maximum grip.

4. Leave your wipers on all the time to keep your windshield clear of debris. 

5. Never text and drive. If you have to text, then let your passenger take the wheel.

6. Break off the handle on the outside of the driver's door. That way a carjacker will have to climb across the passenger seat, giving you time to escape.

7. Always drive a little faster than the other motorists, except for one. That way you won't be rear-ended or pulled over.

8. Always use your brights, or high-beams, for maximum vision.

9. At night, be sure to flash your lights frequently to alert other drivers to your presence.

10. Don't drink beer while you drive. If you must drink, drink water, cola, or red bull and vodka to keep alert.

11. Remember it's not a race out there, so be playful and play tag with your fellow motorists.

12. If you start falling asleep, hit the accelerator hard to give your body a jolt of adrenaline.

13. No blowjobs. Road head plus accidents is known to sever penii. Give a hand job instead.

14. If your car falls into a body of water, don't panic. Wait until the car is completely submerged, then breathe shallow and wait for divers to come to your rescue.

15. Avoid eating and driving. But if you do eat and drive and begin choking, find a hard obstacle and hit it. Airbags are excellent at the heimlich maneuver.

Bruins File For "Do-Over"; Weren't Ready For OT

The Sin Bin

June 5, 2011
Vancouver, British Columbia

The Canucks and Bruins battled hard through 3 periods to a 2-2 tie. However, the game was decided a mere 11 seconds into sudden death overtime. "My skates weren't laced and I was looking at girls," said Bruins Goalie Tim Thomas, "next thing I know the puck is coming at me."

Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli filed official do-over paperwork with the league office this morning. "It's just sad that a game is decided like that," Chiarelli said, "it's like throwing a pitch before the batter gets to the plate."

The Canucks see it differently. "This isn't seventh grade," Canucks Captain Henrik Sedin said, "there aren't do overs." Sedin's twin brother Daniel expressed similar concerns, "This isn't seventh grade, there aren't do overs."

The game winner in OT was scored by Alexandre Burrows who arguably shouldn't have been suited up for the game. Burrows bit Bruin Patrice Bergeron in Game 1, but wasn't suspended by the league office. The league seems to want the players to settle disputes the old fashioned way. Burrows received a severe wedgie in the 2nd period, but came back in the 3rd period with 13 stitches.

Game 3 is in Boston on Monday.