Feeling Left Out, NBA Owners Lock Out Their Players Too

July 1, 2011

The NFL lockout has been going strong for months now (except for that two days where it wasn't?). Not to be outdone, NBA owners have followed in the NFL's footsteps and begun a lockout of their own.

"I'm not sure how this will end," said NBA commissioner and Phoenix Coyotes fan, David Stern, "to tell you the truth, I don't know what this will accomplish. But the NFL does everything right, so we should just have faith that we're copying the right people."

At stake is billions of dollars in revenue. Despite being one of the most important sports leagues in the world, the NBA has turned out losses in the hundreds of millions for three years running. The culprit? According to the owners, it's the owners. "We keep signing mediocre players to 7-year $60 million deals," said one owner, "we just can't help ourselves. We have to be stopped."

Dirk Nowitzki: The Next Randy Johnson?

June 28, 2011

Arlington, Texas

Dirk Nowitzki may have just led the Dallas Mavericks to the NBA championship, but he isn't resting on his laurels. Dirk signed with the Texas Rangers on Monday and is expected to start on Friday against Houston. "I used to play a lot of sausage tossing, the baseballs is similar," Nowitzki said on tuesday, "The shoulder feels good, I got the velocities. It's on."  

Nowitzki's imposing seven foot frame is reminiscent of Randy Johnson on the mound. Long arms are ideal for pitchers trying to accelerate a baseball in a fraction of a second. There aren't any longer arms in Major League Baseball than the angular German ones belonging to Nowitzki. 

Philadelphia Flyers Trade Entire Hockey Team For Baseball Players

June 27, 2011
Philadelphia, PA

On draft weekend, the Flyers shocked everyone by dealing away their two best players, Jeff Carter and Mike Richards. This week they have followed up by trading away the bulk of their roster for baseball players and draft picks at the MLB trade deadline. The move comes right after a fellow NHL franchise moved north of the border in search of better profits.

"We realized that we could make a lot more money as a baseball franchise," said Flyers owner Jim Warburton, "and luckily Philadelphia didn't have an MLB franchise."

"I'm crazy excited," said Philadelphian Charlie Day, "we're gonna have a basketball team and maybe they can be the green-men, and I could be their mascot."

The move isn't entirely unprecedented: The Buffalo Bills experimented with becoming a soccer team in the 2000s, but have since switched back, and the Colorado Rockies left the NHL to join the MLB.

The Flyers have a lease with the Wells Fargo (formerly Wachovia) Center to keep them playing in the arena through 2015. If they are unable to get out of the lease, the Wells Fargo Center would be the smallest park in baseball with center field being only 128 feet from home plate. "We're looking into using wiffle balls," said Flyers GM Tony Bronson, "or maybe putting up netting so that a homerun will have to be 300 feet up at the fence. We're calling that option the Net-Monster."

No word yet from the MLB whether they will allow the Flyers to make the Bo Jackson-like move.