Space Shuttle Atlantis Noncommittal on Retirement

July 22, 2011

Atlantis flexing the CanadaArm

Pulling a page from Brett Favre's playbook, the shuttle Atlantis won't say that she's hung up the SRBs for good. "The CanadaArm still feels good, there's oxygen left in the tanks, and the heat shield's still pretty intact," Atlantis said on Friday, "I feel good, I don't want to speak too soon."

In Vegas an interesting bet has seen a lot of action; Which will come out of retirement first? Favre or Atlantis? Currently Favre, the former Packer, Jet, Falcon, Golden Eagle, and Viking holds the line at 5:3.

Nasa has no clear replacement lined up and it might be more than seven years before a new system is developed. Favre also has no clear replacement in Minnesota. According to Scott Favre, Brett has been keeping in shape. "I think his goal is to die on the field," said Scott, the future hall of famer's younger brother, "that or die during a Wrangler commercial."

Update: Apparently the Eagles are interested in signing Favre. This is not a joke: http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2011/07/23/report-eagles-interested-in-brett-favre/

Firework Burn Victim Given World's First Taint Transplant

July 9, 2011
Victor, Texas

You don't need a degree in rocket science to know that a roman candle in the pants is a bad idea. Apparently you DO need a high school diploma however. Jerrmy Ronson, 21, a high-school dropout and local pest control enthusiast, found out on the 4th of July that Roman Candles probably shouldn't be strapped directly to the genitalia.

Like a scene out of a redneck remake of Caligula, Ronson strapped the roman candle to his nether regions in the midst of a Red Bull and Viagra and Vodka binge. "The goal was to be able to hold three roman candles at once. One in each hand, one strapped to my baby arm down there. It was good and sturdy."

Pictured: A Taint

However the chinese craftsmanship didn't hold up to Jerrmy's modifications. "She fired off two good shots, but then instead of a third it kind of just made a hissing noise." That hissing noise was the sound of a bad shot. With the barrel blocked, the next shot had nowhere to go. "Next thing I know, I'm laying on my back, my shorts are on fire, and my taint was lying on the ground next to me."

Doctors at Houston Regional Hospital were able to perform the first Taint transplant after two reconstruction attempts failed. "We tried using skin from pig ears to cover the genital-anus bisection, but they just wouldn't do.:

Luckily for Jerrmy, he was able to avoid a tainted life when another local man was killed when a bottle rocket fired up his nose and into his brain. The man's taint was successfully transplanted. A world first.