Alabama Schools Replace Evolution With "Practical Stuff" Like Tie Tying

June 3, 2011
Birmingham, AL

After a ploy to add Creationism alongside Evolution in the classroom failed, the Alabama Republican Party is now pushing to eliminate Biology from required coursework. "It's time our kids learned useful shit," said Lee Johnson, a father of three, "why should my son learn about proteins and monkey sex?"

"It's religion run amok," said Stephanie Wilkins, a mother of two. "If they had it their way the kids would wake up, eat some grits then go to Jesus class, then Bible Theory Class and Ark Math before lunch."

It's tough to say if this will be struck down by any court. School boards and state governments decide what their children should learn and short of violating the constitution, the Supreme Court can't mandate the teaching of anything.

The real kicker is what will fill in the void. One proposal requires every student to take a class called "Street Smarts." Lessons include tie tying, using chopsticks, abstinence, deep fryer maintenance, the Google, and Confederate history.

"I wish they learnt me to tie a tie," said Johnson, "I have to have my wife and sister tie mine every time there's wedding."


The first proposal will be voted on by the Birmingham school board on Friday.

Congressman Weiner Maintains Hard Line On Twitter-Gate: "It's a Look-Alike"

June 2, 2011
Washington, D.C.

It's time again for another sex scandal in the nation's capital. A picture of a weiner was sent out on Congressman Anthony Weiner's (D-NY) Twitter. Weiner has vehemently denied sending the picture, but stopped short of denying that the tweeted weiner was his own. Weiner claimed his e-mail was hacked and this led to the embarassing incident.

Due to his lack of a complete denial, rumors have swirled suggesting that the weiner belongs to Weiner and the picture was discovered by the hacker. "It's not a crime to have pictures of your johnson," said Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA), "yet."

TMZ has been offering $10,000 for any other pictures of Weiner's hot dog (with or without the buns), but no pictures have surfaced as of yet. Fox News brought in two of Congressman Weiner's cousins to put their Weiner-Family Jewels on display for comparison. Bill O'Reilly told his viewers that, "There is definitely a family resemblance."

Today, Congressman Weiner responded to the rumors with this tweet: "I didn't tweet a weiner. I don't have pictures of my Weiner. It wasn't even my wein." The Congressman went over the character limit, so Twitter cut off the end of the word "weiner."

Fox News' Megyn Kelly found this improper tweet to be telling. "I don't think he has the interwebs figured out. He probably sent the weiner pic and didn't know how twitter works. And here in his denial we see again, Weiner had the tip of the weiner cut off, but he's a jew so it wouldn't be the first time."

When reached for comment, Congressman Weiner agreed that the picture does bear a familial resemblance, but issued this firm denial: "It's a look-alike."

Winnipeg Thrashers Will Hold Fan Vote For New Name; Jets Not an Option.

The Sin Bin
June 1, 2011

It's Official. Thrashers to Winnipeg. The city has gone without the NHL since the Winnipeg Jets moved to Phoenix and became the Coyotes in 1996. The 90s and early 2000s saw a southern expansion for the NHL as cities like Winnipeg, Minneapolis, Quebec City, and Hartford lost their teams while Miami, Dallas, Phoenix, Anaheim, Nashville, and Tampa gained teams. Today's announcement could be just the beginning of a return to the North.

Winnipeg has lobbied for a team to move north of the border for years. Today they got their wish. Ideally the bankrupt Phoenix Coyotes would have moved back to Winnipeg and the Jets franchise could have picked up where it left off. Atlanta beat them to the punch, sending their second expansion team packing. The Atlanta Flames moved to Calgary in 1980. Atlanta has been burned a third time.

So now the big question is what the Winnipeg Thrashers (or "The Winnipeg NHL team formerly known as the Atlanta Thrashers") will be called when the season starts up in October. Fans have been clamoring for a return to the Jets tradition.

In the wake of today's announcement, the Winnipeg Thrashers announced that a fan vote will decide their new name. It seemed a lock that the Jets would live. There's just one problem. The Jets aren't on the ballot. This is clearly not an oversight. Write-in campaigns have sprung up already, but the franchise will most likely ignore their pleas. This is a new team and a new era.

Here are the choices (courtesy of www.winnipegthrashers.com)

Manitoba Moose
This is the current favorite. The Moose have been Winnipeg's AHL team. With the NHL back in town the Moose will be headed to Newfoundland.


Winnipeg Wolverines
This seems like a decent option, though the proximity to the Michigan Wolverines may not make this optimal.


Winnipeg Valkyries
This is the dark horse. At first it might sound like a team name from a video game, it actually grows on you. Imagine the team skating out onto the ice while they blast "Ride of the Valkyries."

Manitoba Nanooks
An okay option, but again a nearby college has beat them to it.


Winnipeg Bison
Boring but feasible.


Manitoba Ice Barons
No idea what an Ice Baron is. Sounds like a villian in a Mario Bros. game.


Winnipeg Braves
This name would retain some of their Atlantian heritage but without being as obvious. Although Atlanta got the Braves from Milwaukee who got the Braves from Boston. (The more I read that sentence the more it sounds like I'm talking about STDs)

Winnipeg Thrashers
Surely nobody wants this. Not even Atlantans wanted it. And it seemed like such a great team name back in 1999. It is the state bird afterall. (Manitoba's Provincial Bird is the Great Gray Owl)


Winnipeg Wildcats
Somebody had to suggest it. Let us all hate that person forever.


Winnipeg Warblers
They love alliteration in Canada. Imagine a really drunk guy saying Winnipeg Warblers ten times fast.


Winnipeg Dirty Birds
Are they just trying to piss off Atlanta?


Manitoba Mothras
My personal favorite. It's alliterative. Horribly insensitive seeing as Japan is in the midst of a nuclear crisis and we all know where Godzilla came from.

I say we all write in Winnipeg Coyotes just to screw with their heads.

Stupid Sequels Sweep Silver Screens

May 31, 2011

If you follow movies, you probably know about the unoriginal batch of crap coming to theaters this summer. Heck, you probably even know what's coming next year. I'm an optimist, so I have to keep looking to the future.

Here it is folks, your Summer 2013 lineup:

Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan
JJ Abrams reboot of the Star Trek series will tackle the best movie of the original series. Personally I hope they find a way to include time travel, smoke monsters, and lots and lots of flashbacks. Javier Bardem is set to play Khan. Ugh.

The Hangover 3
You knew it was coming. Expect all the same jokes recycled again.  Rumors place this installment in Moscow. Think Russian babes in fur, crazy gangsters, losing a buddy on top of Lenin's tomb, and Mike Tyson's pet bear ice skating.

Sex and the City 3
This one just won't die. I don't know how they can top the incredibly offensive 2nd installment. Maybe they'll hop in a hot tub time machine at an orgy and end up in the midst of the women's suffrage movement and spend two hours trying to show those women how to shake it, sister. Which reminds me...

Hot Tub Time Machine 2
Must be some kind of...retarded movie. The first one was funny at times, amusing in its absurdity, but there is no way the sequel can be good. It'll make money though. Yay Capitalism.

Ocean's 14
Whoever's job it is to figure out the schedules for the 47 stars in this movie is probably an air-traffic controller in his spare time. Who knows if they can work out a time to get it made, but for now it's on the schedule. Maybe they'll finally make an Ocean's that's as bad as the original.

The Seventh Sense
M. Night Shymalan attempts to completely break the rotten tomato meter with a negative score. This may very well do it. Each movie has been worse than the one before, so what better way to get back to good form than to dig up the one good thing you ever made and rape it to death...again? This time the twist is that you actually paid money to this guy.

Air Force Two
The key to sequels seems to be bigger, better, and more of everything. Though that usually makes a worse movie. Air Force Two seems doomed from the start. It's the Vice President's plane that is hijacked. How can that possible top the original? Unless we get Dick Cheney shooting everyone in the face over and over for 90 minutes, I find it doubtful this will get anywhere. Oh, and if you don't believe that this project exists, I have the script. E-mail me and I'll give it to you. (Fox has been cracking down harshly on scripts floating around the net)

Apollo 14
Ron Howard is nowhere to be found in this production. If I remember correctly, this mission went flawlessly. So what's this about? Get ready for the dramatic, suspensful, tear-jerking Apollo 14: Everything Goes as Planned. 


2001: A Space Odyssey Reboot
Yeah. They're rebooting 2001. I'm guessing it's called 2011: A Space Budget Deficiency.

Star Wars Reboot
Yes. Reboot. A New Hope, new again. New original trilogy. New actors playing Luke and Han and Leia. Computer graphics replacing every stormtrooper, Chewie, R2, C-3PO. Harrison Ford playing Obi-Wan. And they're doing it all in 3-d! Cue applause.

Godfather Reboot
It's happening. I mean, what could be better than a version of Godfather where all the characters just text each other instead of speaking.

13 Angry Men
This one has to be a comedy. This can't be serious. Right? Right!?!

Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
Blood has started spurting from my ear. But really, does this surprise you? Hollywood will make any movie as long as the title has some recognition. This is an industry that is making movies out of Candyland, Battleship, Disney Rides, and the game of Life.

Edward Scissorhands Reboot
O for the love of-

Casablancer
Read that again. Casablancer. I'm not kidding. Casablancer. It's a parody, but if the tradition of "Movie" Movies like Scary Movie, Epic Movie, etc. is any indication, the writers don't know what the word parody means and will instead simply copy the original movie and insert fart noises and crotch shots every 30 seconds.

TSA's Brave Veterans of War on Terror Excluded From Memorial Day Parade

May 30, 2011
Kansas City, Missouri

Today's parade to honor America's veterans took an ugly turn. Over 100 TSA Veterans arrived before 6 A.M. to line up with their counterparts from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, Air Force, and Coast Guard, but event organizers refused to let them march in the parade. "This is a tragesty of the highest order," said television personality Sarah Palin, "Those brave men and women risk their lives every day to protect our freedoms and they deserve to be honored."

"I just wanted to ride the float," said TSA Agent Sandy Brook, a veteran of three tours, "I wanted my kids to see me up there and to realize how important my job really is." Instead, Brook stood on the parade route and watched like an ordinary civilian. Shortly before the parade was to begin, messages of outrage spread like wildfire across social-media sites such as Twitter and Facebook. "TSA R 4 R FREEDOMZ. BOO," said Twitter user Ernhart4evr.

Mounting pressure forced Army Colonel Dave Brubeck, the parade's commander, to change his plans. TSA Agents headed to the last parade float before it set off on its 6 mile journey through the heart of Kansas City. However, the brave agents were subjected to a complete strip search before they were allowed to board the float. Dozens of TSA Agents stripped down to their underwear and were patted down in front of hundreds of onlookers.

"I can't believe they made me take my clothes off with all these people around," said TSA Agent Fred Merkin, "after all the sacrifices I made for my country, all the balls I had to touch, this is how they repay me?"

Colonel Brubeck maintained that the security measures were necessary to ensure the safety of the parade floats. When asked if the measures were too extreme, Brubeck said, "Absolutely not. We couldn't in good conscience allow someone on a parade float without making sure they didn't have guns, knives, forks, nail clippers, liquids, overly spiky hair, fake boobs, unpatriotic thoughts, or BMs that are just about ready."

Just when you thought America fully supported her troops, something like this happens. Lawmakers in Washington are considering the creation of a new holiday specifically for the TSA. "We're calling it Freedom Remembrance Day," said Congressman John Stifee (R-OH), "it'll be that day we all take a minute to remember that thing called freedom."

National Guard Enrollment Crashes After Indy 500 Let Down

May 30, 2011
Indianapolis, Indiana

With two laps to go in the world's most famous race, rookie J.R. Hildebrand held a commanding lead in his National Guard Honda. As he came into the final turn, Hildebrand made a mistake that may leave the US Armed Forces short handed for years to come. Taking the high line to overtake a lapped car, Hildebrand misjudged the corner and smacked his National Guard car into the wall. The race was won by Dan Wheldon in his Firestone car.

"I was going to sign up for the Guard," said 21 year old Brian Johnson of Dayton, Ohio, "but when he hit the wall I decided it wasn't for me." Johnson's sentiment has been echoed across the country. The National Guard has seen a 34% decrease in volunteers on the usually patriotic Memorial Day. However, the National Guard's public embarrassment isn't all bad. "This has been the best day for recruitment we've ever had," said Firestone's VP of Personell, Tim Doaks.

Republican lawmakers in Washington are scrambling to defend their votes to continue to fund the sponsorship of Nascar and Indycar teams. "Obviously the sponsorship has backfired," said Congressman Gary Bricker (R-VA), "maybe next time we should rig the race a little better." Rumors are already circulating that this national tragedy will lead to congress cutting the planned Air Force sponsorship of competitive eater Magnus Stromganrd. Bricker added, "We just can't afford another failure in the national spotlight."

Due to the enrollment crash, some National Guard units will be forced to deploy again to Afghanistan. The National Guard's advertising slogan "One Weekend Per Month, Two Weeks Per Year" might not necessarily reflect the reality today's soldiers live. "This will be my ninth tour," said 27 year old Travis Milford. Thanks to Hildebrand, it looks like Milford is just going to have to take one more for the team.