OchoNueve Traded to Los Patriotas

July 28, 2011
Cincinatti, OH


End zone dancer OchoNueve was dealt to the Nuevo Englando Patriotas in exchange for a quinto round pick in this year's draft and sexto round pick in the DosCeroUnoDos draft. He joins a receiving corps already packed full with muchos chiles. 


Brady's targets for this season will include: OchoNueve, Deion Branch, Brandon Tate, Wes Welker, Julian Edelman, Aaron Hernandez, Alge Crumpler, Danny Woodhead, Rob Gronkowski, Kevin Faulk, Ben-Jarvis Green Ellis, y muchos más. While Brady will have plenty of targets, the Patriots still haven't found a replacement for their consistent touchdown catching machine, Mike Vrabel. 


OchoNueve famously wore number 85 as a Bengal. Unfortunately for him and his legally changed last name, that number is not available as TE Aaron Hernandez wears 85. 89 however, is available. Johnson, or OchoNueve rather, hopes to finally win a title after 10 seasons as a Bungle. "I think I deserve it," Johnson said, "it's time for me to get el anillo de un."

Boehners Debt Plan: Payday Loans and Pawn.

July 28, 2011
Washington, D.C.

"We need to bring common sense to Washington," Speaker Boehner said this week, his 1,125th week in Congress. "President Obama doesn't know what every working American knows, you have to live within your means," Boehner said without a hint of irony. "If the average American can balance their budget, why can't liberals?" he added.

So what are Boehner's common sense solutions? "When you can't make ends meet, you pawn valuables and take out payday loans. That's a long term solution." Boehner wasn't speaking metaphorically. The GOP is trying to sell sections of the Grand Canyon to a Uranium mining company. If that won't do, the Marine Corps band has plenty of instruments to pawn.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor offered even more "common sense solutions." "The American People are great. We need only look to them for solutions. I mean, John Q Pubic can manage to pay his rent by any means necessary. We can try selling sex, and if that doesn't work, why not go into drug dealing?"

Liberals in office and the media still cling to the illusion that the running the world's largest economy isn't just like balancing a checkbook. More liberal non-sense.

The 27 Club Rejects Winehouse in 4-1 Ruling

July 24, 2011

Amy Winehouse will not join the famed "27" club comprised of musicians that died at the age of 27. Brian Jones,  Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, and Kurt Cobain voted 4-1 to reject Winehouse who spent the last three years trying to make a case for her 27-hood. The vote split along talent lines.

Pictured: Anorexia Mimosa

Writing for the majority Jimi Hendrix laid out the case against Winehouse. "Being a 27 is about making your art more important than even self-preservation," Hendrix wrote, "It's about pushing the envelope so far, bending the rules so much, and pushing yourself so hard that you ultimately die trying."

The most damning passage concerns the real reason for Winehouse's decline. Hendrix wrote, "She suffered from eating disorders, which is about putting your physical appearance ahead of your health in your priorities, rather than suffering for your art. She went from a Foxy Lady to a Dolly Dagger."

Writing for the minority, Brian Jones argued that Winehouse was talented and influential and therefore her small body of work shouldn't matter. Winehouse's two LPs contained a scant 24 tracks. However, Jones pointed out that Winehouse's body of work is arguably larger than Joplin's.

"I don't know why we let you in," Morrison said of Jones, "you died cause you sucked too much."

Ultimately the 5 member club was persuaded by Hendrix's argument. Membership in the club is about caring about your art more than yourself. And that's a litmus test Winehouse couldn't pass.

The club also has two honorary non-voting members, John Lennon and Elliot Smith. Both singer-songwriters sided with the majority.