Radical New Surgery Allows You To Eat an Unlimited Amount of Food and Lose Weight

June 24, 2011
Dallas, Texas.

A controversial new surgery is sweeping through the Dallas area and may soon be the fastest growing surgery in the country. What is it? It's called Esophageal Interruptus. To the layman, the surgery installs a valve in the esophagus which is attached to a tube that exits through the front of the neck. Whenever desired, the patient activates the valve and this intercepts any food or drink heading for the stomach and diverts it out of the body via the tube and into a plastic pouch worn under their clothes. Quite simply, you can eat and drink anything you want and not a drop of it will be digested.

"I had the idea one day while eating Skittles," said Dr. Raymore Schwinghammer, "I chewed them up and got all the flavor, then thought...why do I have to swallow now? Can't I get the flavor without the calories?" His invention, originally titled "Dr. Schwinghammer's Neck Hole Tube," has been implanted in more than three thousand Dallas residents.

Schwinghammer has partnered with the Monsanto Corporation to market the device under the new name The Interceptor.

"This could be the cure for the recession," said KFC spokesman, Arnold Honeyham. "We even introduced a new product, the 72-piece bucket. People come in and eat them by themselves."

Others aren't so excited. "It's incredibly wasteful," said environmental activist Jacob Brownstone. "People are eating ten times what they used to eat and getting zero nutrition out of it. Meanwhile people are starving."

When reached for comment, the Monsanto Corporation disagreed. "We take these plastic pouches of chewed up food, or leftovers as we call them, run them through an irradiator, and ship them to third world countries where people can buy them for a very reasonable price. They just squeeze out the paste and it's some good eats. This helps everyone."

This invention may be the answer to the obesity epidemic. Rather than exercising more, or at all, cutting back calories, or other simplistic approaches, the Interceptor allows people to remain gluttonous and lazy and lose weight, all while fighting world hunger.

Interceptors are set to go on sale nationwide in August.

G-Spot Is a Hoax, Women Everywhere Admit Today

The Lady Orgasm: Artist's Rendering

June 15, 2011

"One day, while we were fooling around a little pee slipped out," Gertrude Eisenbacher, 68, said, "and to cover my ass I just started screaming and told him he must have hit my G-spot. He totally bought it." Women across the world have admitted to the squirting and g-spot hoax today.

"Just blame an accident on the dude hitting all your right spots," Sarah Rodgers said, "they'll buy it every-time. One time I wrecked my boyfriend's car and I told him I was distracted by thoughts of his huge penis. He totally forgot about his totaled car."

Porn star Cytherea, famous for her squirting ability came forward this morning and admitted she was just peeing all over the place. This admission got the ball rolling worldwide. Dr. Graffenberg, the German doctor for whom the G-spot is named, really has egg on his face.

"Naw bro, I make the ladies squirt like clockwork," said Brosef Johnson, 24, "I don't buy it."

When reached for comment, America's most famous feminist, Sarah Palin, said, "Squirting? Is that when you cover yourself in maple syrup?"

"I knew this whole squirting G-spot thing was bullshit," said Polly Anderson, 26, an abstinence expert. "There's no way vaginas can squirt things. While I've never actually seen a vagina, I have on good authority, from the lord, that they are only to be used for producing bundled miracles, not for recreational squirting sex festivals."

Scientists in Britain claimed in 2008 that the G-spot was a myth. They were quickly rebuffed by French scientists who replied simply, "We fart in your general direction."

Our Universe Is A Third Grade Science Project

June 14, 2011

In New York City the sky opened up and a glorious white light shone down on Times Square. "Is this thing still on?" A voice boomed from on high. A hand the size of the statue of liberty reached into the masses and plucked out a handful of witnesses.

"I found myself in just a white empty space standing on this hand and talking to god," said Joe Bronson, a tourist from Phoenix. "I asked God what the meaning of life was," Bronson said, "he kind of mumbled something about a saved game and then changed the subject."

Another witness claims that God is only 10 years old and a third grader. "He told me that our universe was a science project," the witness said, "then he added, 'I got a C+.'"

When reached for comment, Keanu Reeves said, "I have always supported the postulate that our universe is likely a construct of a supercomputer in a higher dimension." Ever since The Matrix came out in 1999, stoners everywhere have been fond of the idea that our world is inside of a computer, but the disappointment of The Matrix Reloaded quieted those sentiments.

UPDATE
God returned a few hours later and answered questions. As to why bad things happen to good people, God replied, "My bad. You know your games like Simcity and Spore, yeah, it's kinda like that. I was just demonstrating that order can come out of chaos by setting the simple physics simulator on my dad's phone running all night. I hit the big bang button and then I fell asleep. When I woke up you guys were like praying at me and I had like billions of little prayer requests to read through."

Tyler; Artist's Rendering

A former atheist stepped to the microphone to ask God a question: "So Jesus, Mohamed, Moses, were you involved in any of those guys?" God replied, "Not me. My baby brother played with the game at some point, I know because there was drool on the phone, but I can't be sure what he did."

A devout Mormon took to the mic and asked God, or Tyler as he is called in his plane of existence, a followup question: "I always knew there was a good and loving god, thank you for being there for me." "Was that a question?" God inquired. The Mormon then rambled for several minutes about her feelings for god, coming close to sounding like sexual feelings at several points. "Yeah, that wasn't me," God said, "literally this thing has just been running on auto-pilot."

"Well now that you are here," Bob Trimers of Nashville, TN, asked, "can you do like the rapture and send us to heaven?" "Sorry, that's not really something I can do," God said, "I don't have the fantasy DLC, I didn't want to pay extra for that."

In the past hours, hundreds of thousands of suicides and murders have been reported across America's bible belt. "It turns out that they really did get their morality from celestial North Korea," Christopher Hitchens said.

So now we know there is no heaven nor hell. On the bright side, we know how the universe ends. "I'll leave the game running till the battery runs out," God said, "I can't find the charger, but it'll be like 15 billion years your time before the battery dies." So now we know, the universe runs out of power in 15 billion years, give or take, we all know how inaccurate those power bars can be.

Lebron's Talents Found At Baggage Claim In South Beach

June 11, 2011

A year ago, Lebron James gave the verbal jab heard round the world. He was taking his talents to South Beach. Five games into the NBA Finals, Lebron's famous talents have gone missing. Through five games he has yet to score any points in the fourth quarter when the score is within 5 points. In other words, when the going gets tough, Lebron gets stiff and useless like an infant's boner. Seriously, why do infants get boners?

Well it turns out that Lebron has been playing through serious adversity. He lost his talents in the move to Miami. "I don't know where I put them," James said, "I swear I packed them in my suitcase, right between my Yankees boxers and my guitar hero guitar." But when James arrived in South Beach, his talents were nowhere to be found.

"I suspected the TSA and baggage handlers of stealing my talents," James said on Friday. ESPN Anchor John Anderson suggested "Lebron James should play hockey, they don't have a fourth quarter." When reached for comment, James claimed he was unfamiliar with the sport but that he would look into it. "Periods!? That sounds disgusting," James added.

Well Heat fans can relax. They may be down 3-2 in the series but their victory has been assured. Lebron found his talents. "I saw this bag sitting off in the corner," Michael Ware, a baggage handler for United Airlines said, "I opened it up and bam, right there, Lebron's talents in a neat little package." Lebron insisted that the package was larger than reported.

All of Lebron's talents from Cleveland are now back. No more disappearing at the end of games. No more three quarter performances. King James found his crown. Now there's just the formality of finding that ring.

Alabama's Anti-Immigration Law Aimed At Anchor Babes Accidentally Legalizes Infanticide

June 10, 2011

Yesterday Governor Bentley signed HB 56, the nation's strictest legislation aimed at illegal immigration, into law. The law follows in the footsteps of Arizona's laws. If the police have "reasonable suspicion" that a person is an illegal immigrant, the police are obligated to demand proof of citizenship. Additionally, illegal immigrants cannot attend college or attempt to get a job. Any employer with an illegal on staff cannot fire or decline to hire any legal resident.

These measures are clearly aimed at making the state so inhospitable to illegals, or those with dark skin, as to deter them from ever coming to the state in the first place. "It's ironic," said Arthur Allred, a history professor at the University of Alabama, "This state was founded on slavery, they fought to keep slavery, and illegal immigrants are a kind of pseudo-slave class." Allred makes a strong case: Illegals tend to be uneducated, they work for next-to-nothing, and they will work in any condition without any threat of complaint to any higher authority. "Illegals are basically slaves that you don't house or feed, but give them just enough money to take care of themselves," Allred added, "They're low-maintenance slaves. Yet, Alabamans are so bigoted that they think their problems are caused by the very people they exploit."

Economist and Alabaman Leroy Clark disagrees. "These people come to a place they don't belong and take away our jobs. And don't tell me they only take the crappy jobs nobody wants. Just last week my wife gave birth and her doctor was named something like 'say-jeet' or something, he's probably working for a buck an hour."

The most disturbing provision of the new law is aimed at preventing illegals from having so-called "Anchor babies." Governor Bentley explains, "They get here illegally, pop out a kid, and bam they got a citizen. That's just down-right unAmerican. We gotta protect our pure citizenship." The "Anchor Baby Clause" circumvents the Citizenship Clause of the 14th amendment (which stipulates that anybody born in the US is a citizen) by declaring that a fetus does not become a person at birth, but rather when it begins speaking English. "That'll give us time to deport the anchor babies before they steal our language," Governor Bentley said.

The ACLU has filed an injunction to prevent the law from going into effect before a higher court rules on its constitutionality. ACLU spokewoman Joan Fiero pointed out the hypocrisy of the clause, "Just six months ago they passed a law making fetuses people in a back-handed attempt to ban all abortion. Now they say personhood begins when you speak English. If this law is held-up, then not only will abortion be legal, but so would infanticide. Children up to 1 or 2 could be legally aborted."

Governor Bentley doesn't agree with the ACLU's interpretation: "The ACLU needs to go back to France and defend the rights of Porn-Devil worshipers to eat babies." When reached for comment, the Porn-Devil said, "If you want to eat babies, Alabama is the place to be."

Global Warming Caused By Peeing In The Pool, Dad Claims

June 9, 2011

"All the urine mixes with the chlorine and it becomes Thermite," Mike Johnson, 47, said to his children and their friends. "Peeing in the pool is like punching mother nature in the taint," Johnson explained. This local father claims to have the research to backup his claims. "I do the science from time-to-time," he said on Wednesday.

"You get lazy and pee in the pool, then that makes more Thermite which evaporates and golden showers the earth and makes it warmer. Then you have hotter summers and more people in the pool. Boom, more piss in more pools. It's a pissious cycle."

While Johnson's independent research has yet to be published, he claims this is due to a vast conspiracy in the scientific community. "The pool cleaning cartel doesn't want anyone to know," local conspiracy expert Gurt B. Frobe said, "If you expose them, they'll stab you in the face...with a soldering iron."

Johnson's Pee Warming Theory has gained traction thanks to Glenn Beck's radio program. "We've all been in a pool and felt a wave of warmth as a little fucker swam by you," Beck said, "those kids are getting their global warming all over you, you can feel it."

Front-runner for the Republican nomination in 2012, Sarah Palin, said that she has a "no pee policy" in the works for her campaign. "My lady parts are for miracles not disasters."

Skeptics in the community have expressed doubts about Johnson's piss theory. "This is an insane theory," said Dearth Wilkins, a skeptic, "how does chlorine make thermite? Besides, it got down to like 63 degrees last night, how could that happen if there was global warming?"

While the issue is still up for debate, one thing is for sure: Sarah Palin can warm my globe any day.