OchoNueve Traded to Los Patriotas

July 28, 2011
Cincinatti, OH


End zone dancer OchoNueve was dealt to the Nuevo Englando Patriotas in exchange for a quinto round pick in this year's draft and sexto round pick in the DosCeroUnoDos draft. He joins a receiving corps already packed full with muchos chiles. 


Brady's targets for this season will include: OchoNueve, Deion Branch, Brandon Tate, Wes Welker, Julian Edelman, Aaron Hernandez, Alge Crumpler, Danny Woodhead, Rob Gronkowski, Kevin Faulk, Ben-Jarvis Green Ellis, y muchos más. While Brady will have plenty of targets, the Patriots still haven't found a replacement for their consistent touchdown catching machine, Mike Vrabel. 


OchoNueve famously wore number 85 as a Bengal. Unfortunately for him and his legally changed last name, that number is not available as TE Aaron Hernandez wears 85. 89 however, is available. Johnson, or OchoNueve rather, hopes to finally win a title after 10 seasons as a Bungle. "I think I deserve it," Johnson said, "it's time for me to get el anillo de un."

Boehners Debt Plan: Payday Loans and Pawn.

July 28, 2011
Washington, D.C.

"We need to bring common sense to Washington," Speaker Boehner said this week, his 1,125th week in Congress. "President Obama doesn't know what every working American knows, you have to live within your means," Boehner said without a hint of irony. "If the average American can balance their budget, why can't liberals?" he added.

So what are Boehner's common sense solutions? "When you can't make ends meet, you pawn valuables and take out payday loans. That's a long term solution." Boehner wasn't speaking metaphorically. The GOP is trying to sell sections of the Grand Canyon to a Uranium mining company. If that won't do, the Marine Corps band has plenty of instruments to pawn.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor offered even more "common sense solutions." "The American People are great. We need only look to them for solutions. I mean, John Q Pubic can manage to pay his rent by any means necessary. We can try selling sex, and if that doesn't work, why not go into drug dealing?"

Liberals in office and the media still cling to the illusion that the running the world's largest economy isn't just like balancing a checkbook. More liberal non-sense.

The 27 Club Rejects Winehouse in 4-1 Ruling

July 24, 2011

Amy Winehouse will not join the famed "27" club comprised of musicians that died at the age of 27. Brian Jones,  Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, and Kurt Cobain voted 4-1 to reject Winehouse who spent the last three years trying to make a case for her 27-hood. The vote split along talent lines.

Pictured: Anorexia Mimosa

Writing for the majority Jimi Hendrix laid out the case against Winehouse. "Being a 27 is about making your art more important than even self-preservation," Hendrix wrote, "It's about pushing the envelope so far, bending the rules so much, and pushing yourself so hard that you ultimately die trying."

The most damning passage concerns the real reason for Winehouse's decline. Hendrix wrote, "She suffered from eating disorders, which is about putting your physical appearance ahead of your health in your priorities, rather than suffering for your art. She went from a Foxy Lady to a Dolly Dagger."

Writing for the minority, Brian Jones argued that Winehouse was talented and influential and therefore her small body of work shouldn't matter. Winehouse's two LPs contained a scant 24 tracks. However, Jones pointed out that Winehouse's body of work is arguably larger than Joplin's.

"I don't know why we let you in," Morrison said of Jones, "you died cause you sucked too much."

Ultimately the 5 member club was persuaded by Hendrix's argument. Membership in the club is about caring about your art more than yourself. And that's a litmus test Winehouse couldn't pass.

The club also has two honorary non-voting members, John Lennon and Elliot Smith. Both singer-songwriters sided with the majority.

Space Shuttle Atlantis Noncommittal on Retirement

July 22, 2011

Atlantis flexing the CanadaArm

Pulling a page from Brett Favre's playbook, the shuttle Atlantis won't say that she's hung up the SRBs for good. "The CanadaArm still feels good, there's oxygen left in the tanks, and the heat shield's still pretty intact," Atlantis said on Friday, "I feel good, I don't want to speak too soon."

In Vegas an interesting bet has seen a lot of action; Which will come out of retirement first? Favre or Atlantis? Currently Favre, the former Packer, Jet, Falcon, Golden Eagle, and Viking holds the line at 5:3.

Nasa has no clear replacement lined up and it might be more than seven years before a new system is developed. Favre also has no clear replacement in Minnesota. According to Scott Favre, Brett has been keeping in shape. "I think his goal is to die on the field," said Scott, the future hall of famer's younger brother, "that or die during a Wrangler commercial."

Update: Apparently the Eagles are interested in signing Favre. This is not a joke: http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2011/07/23/report-eagles-interested-in-brett-favre/

Firework Burn Victim Given World's First Taint Transplant

July 9, 2011
Victor, Texas

You don't need a degree in rocket science to know that a roman candle in the pants is a bad idea. Apparently you DO need a high school diploma however. Jerrmy Ronson, 21, a high-school dropout and local pest control enthusiast, found out on the 4th of July that Roman Candles probably shouldn't be strapped directly to the genitalia.

Like a scene out of a redneck remake of Caligula, Ronson strapped the roman candle to his nether regions in the midst of a Red Bull and Viagra and Vodka binge. "The goal was to be able to hold three roman candles at once. One in each hand, one strapped to my baby arm down there. It was good and sturdy."

Pictured: A Taint

However the chinese craftsmanship didn't hold up to Jerrmy's modifications. "She fired off two good shots, but then instead of a third it kind of just made a hissing noise." That hissing noise was the sound of a bad shot. With the barrel blocked, the next shot had nowhere to go. "Next thing I know, I'm laying on my back, my shorts are on fire, and my taint was lying on the ground next to me."

Doctors at Houston Regional Hospital were able to perform the first Taint transplant after two reconstruction attempts failed. "We tried using skin from pig ears to cover the genital-anus bisection, but they just wouldn't do.:

Luckily for Jerrmy, he was able to avoid a tainted life when another local man was killed when a bottle rocket fired up his nose and into his brain. The man's taint was successfully transplanted. A world first.

Feeling Left Out, NBA Owners Lock Out Their Players Too

July 1, 2011

The NFL lockout has been going strong for months now (except for that two days where it wasn't?). Not to be outdone, NBA owners have followed in the NFL's footsteps and begun a lockout of their own.

"I'm not sure how this will end," said NBA commissioner and Phoenix Coyotes fan, David Stern, "to tell you the truth, I don't know what this will accomplish. But the NFL does everything right, so we should just have faith that we're copying the right people."

At stake is billions of dollars in revenue. Despite being one of the most important sports leagues in the world, the NBA has turned out losses in the hundreds of millions for three years running. The culprit? According to the owners, it's the owners. "We keep signing mediocre players to 7-year $60 million deals," said one owner, "we just can't help ourselves. We have to be stopped."