Shrewd Used Car Salesman Closes Gap on Obama for Democratic Nomination

August 5, 2011
Des Moines, IA

Crazy Joe Mclosky is polling 12 points behind Incumbent Barack Obama in the latest Iowa straw poll. Mclosky is fast becoming known across Iowa as a shrewd negotiator. Said a local Des Moinian, "I went to Crazy Joe's just to look at a car for my daughter, I ended up buying three used Dodge Darts and a jet ski motor."

According to a USA Today poll of democratic voters, the thing they look most for in a candidate is "ability to negotiate" followed closely by "Wanting to share a Martini with him/her/it."

When reached for comment, Crazy Joe instead made me an offer on a timeshare in Boca Raton I just couldn't pass up. If you're wondering what qualifies Crazy Joe to be president, well, just look at this brochure. Boca Raton looks so nice. I bet the women there are freaky but in a classy way. No more handjobs on a subway for this reporter.

Missouri High School Bans Physics Books For Being "Contrary to the Bible"

Sparta, Mo
August 4, 2011

The school board in Republic, Mo voted to ban Slaughterhouse-Five 4-0 earlier this week. Republic resident Wesley Scroggins vigorously protested the novel as well as two others because they contained ideas he claimed, "teached contrary ideas to the bible." Scroggins (pictured at right) went on to claim that the novel is "anti-American, anti-Christian, anti-semetic, and just plain filthy."

Wasting no time, the school board in Sparta, Mo, less than 100 miles away, voted today to ban Physics books for biblical contrariness. "Them Physics books tried to tell me that they's stars that are a million light years away," said Physics teacher Joel Yackerman, "which is clearly unpossible."

When reached for comment on the madness of book banning, school board president Prihath replied simply, "this is Sparta!" The pathetic attempt to quote from the film 300 might have made more sense if Sparta High School was the home of the Spartans. It isn't. So what is their mascot in Sparta? The Trojans.

The Sparta Trojans.

Seriously. For those Sparta Trojans in the audience, you see, the Spartans came from Sparta. The Trojans came from Troy. The Spartans, along with their fellow Greeks, killed the Trojans and destroyed the city of Troy so completely that it was thought to be a made-up city for more than a thousand years, all thanks to a clever tactic called a Trojan...nevermind, I think I'll allow the good people of Sparta and Republic, Missouri to go on not knowing about that gem.

Sparta Trojans makes about as much sense as the Wright Brothers High School Gravitys, the Martin Luther King High Ignorant Crackers, or the Hiroshima Prefecture Enola Gays.

How should we as a society go about trying to fix the giant inhabited potholes that litter our Interstates, like Republic and Sparta Missouri? With an attitude that rejects anything that's somehow contray to the bible, and embraces anything that Fox News shouts at them loud enough, there's really only one way:

The Biblical Horse. Or the Spartan Bible? You see what I'm getting at. Let's just hope the Sparta Trojans don't watch Troy or even the "what not to do" example from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Lumpy Junk: Not Child Porn

August 1, 2011

One interesting part of Lumpy Junk is that I get all kinds of statistics about readers, from what browser they use (41% Firefox, 35% Chrome, only 8% use Internet Explorer), to the operating system (1% are from iPad; iPhone has a slight edge on Android), to the nationality of readers (In order: US, Canada, UK, Australia, Germany, New Zealand). But aside from the statistics only nerds could possibly care about the most interesting bit of data I get are the search terms that readers googled which led them to my site.

Here are some of the best search terms:

alabama anchor babies

anchor babies and governor bentley

amy winehouse anorexie

amy winehouse anoreksi

amy winehouse junx 27

squirter hoax

tsa took my clothes off

peeing child

children peeing
Tom Brady Yoda

I really have to wonder why someone searching the web for peeing children, surely for fapping purposes, would stop the jerking to click on "Global Warming Caused by Peeing in Pool Dad Claims." But I guess Lumpy Junk does sound like a site devoted to pictures of unusual genitals. 

I googled "children peeing" to see how high up on the results you'll find some Lumpy Junk. I gave up after 70 pages. Then I tried "children peeing global warming," thinking that this would drastically narrow the results. Even when adding global warming to the search terms, Lumpy Junk didn't show up until page 29 (sandwiched between "Pissing in the Liberal Punch Bowl" and "Teaching Your Children About Anal Sex," an article from The Dakota Voice, warning Dakotans that Obama is trying to teach kindergartners about anal sex). 

So how many pages of search results of "children peeing" did somebody read through to end up at this site? At least 70 pages, probably more like 200 or more. Have you ever looked more than 30 pages into search results? How desperate to find kiddie golden showers do you have to be?

Perhaps I didn't take the naming of my very serious website seriously enough. Lumpy Junk for me is merely a funny phrase. It has a comedic and musical quality. It's both vague and dirty. What do you think of when you hear "lumpy junk." Do you picture some sort of he-she's-peepee? 

When I named this site, I brainstormed several ideas and knew that picking the wrong name would keep the site from racking in the pennies. I narrowed down my options to just two names. One was Lumpy Junk and perhaps instead of sending out a goofy, funny, maybe a little raunchy vibe the name sounds enticing to dudes driving panel vans with the word "candy" spray painted on the side.

Google's First Image for "Lumpy Junk"

Would I be racking in actual dollars instead of the trickle of pennies if I went with that other name? Would I be getting hits from people searching for pictures of peeing children? Do I care? I mean, weirdos might just be my demographic. I guess I should have gone with that other name: "Crossing The Streams."

No joke, that was my other option. I guess it was fate that my work would be associated with underage watersports. What a fate.

I just did a google image search for "lumpy junk" to find a picture at attach to this story. Turns out that 8 of the top 12 results are from this site. Thanks to me, if you do a google image search for lumpy junk, you'll find pictures of Barry Bonds and Michelle Bachmann. No need to thank me. 

OchoNueve Traded to Los Patriotas

July 28, 2011
Cincinatti, OH


End zone dancer OchoNueve was dealt to the Nuevo Englando Patriotas in exchange for a quinto round pick in this year's draft and sexto round pick in the DosCeroUnoDos draft. He joins a receiving corps already packed full with muchos chiles. 


Brady's targets for this season will include: OchoNueve, Deion Branch, Brandon Tate, Wes Welker, Julian Edelman, Aaron Hernandez, Alge Crumpler, Danny Woodhead, Rob Gronkowski, Kevin Faulk, Ben-Jarvis Green Ellis, y muchos más. While Brady will have plenty of targets, the Patriots still haven't found a replacement for their consistent touchdown catching machine, Mike Vrabel. 


OchoNueve famously wore number 85 as a Bengal. Unfortunately for him and his legally changed last name, that number is not available as TE Aaron Hernandez wears 85. 89 however, is available. Johnson, or OchoNueve rather, hopes to finally win a title after 10 seasons as a Bungle. "I think I deserve it," Johnson said, "it's time for me to get el anillo de un."

Boehners Debt Plan: Payday Loans and Pawn.

July 28, 2011
Washington, D.C.

"We need to bring common sense to Washington," Speaker Boehner said this week, his 1,125th week in Congress. "President Obama doesn't know what every working American knows, you have to live within your means," Boehner said without a hint of irony. "If the average American can balance their budget, why can't liberals?" he added.

So what are Boehner's common sense solutions? "When you can't make ends meet, you pawn valuables and take out payday loans. That's a long term solution." Boehner wasn't speaking metaphorically. The GOP is trying to sell sections of the Grand Canyon to a Uranium mining company. If that won't do, the Marine Corps band has plenty of instruments to pawn.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor offered even more "common sense solutions." "The American People are great. We need only look to them for solutions. I mean, John Q Pubic can manage to pay his rent by any means necessary. We can try selling sex, and if that doesn't work, why not go into drug dealing?"

Liberals in office and the media still cling to the illusion that the running the world's largest economy isn't just like balancing a checkbook. More liberal non-sense.

The 27 Club Rejects Winehouse in 4-1 Ruling

July 24, 2011

Amy Winehouse will not join the famed "27" club comprised of musicians that died at the age of 27. Brian Jones,  Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, and Kurt Cobain voted 4-1 to reject Winehouse who spent the last three years trying to make a case for her 27-hood. The vote split along talent lines.

Pictured: Anorexia Mimosa

Writing for the majority Jimi Hendrix laid out the case against Winehouse. "Being a 27 is about making your art more important than even self-preservation," Hendrix wrote, "It's about pushing the envelope so far, bending the rules so much, and pushing yourself so hard that you ultimately die trying."

The most damning passage concerns the real reason for Winehouse's decline. Hendrix wrote, "She suffered from eating disorders, which is about putting your physical appearance ahead of your health in your priorities, rather than suffering for your art. She went from a Foxy Lady to a Dolly Dagger."

Writing for the minority, Brian Jones argued that Winehouse was talented and influential and therefore her small body of work shouldn't matter. Winehouse's two LPs contained a scant 24 tracks. However, Jones pointed out that Winehouse's body of work is arguably larger than Joplin's.

"I don't know why we let you in," Morrison said of Jones, "you died cause you sucked too much."

Ultimately the 5 member club was persuaded by Hendrix's argument. Membership in the club is about caring about your art more than yourself. And that's a litmus test Winehouse couldn't pass.

The club also has two honorary non-voting members, John Lennon and Elliot Smith. Both singer-songwriters sided with the majority.