Rust Belt Readies For Waves of Refugees from Manning-torn Indy

September 5th, 2011

"The quarterback dropped back to pass, and then I just don't know what happened," said Indianapolis native Joe Quincy, "There were receivers running routes, but he just didn't throw a perfect back-shoulder fade or anything. I mean, how hard is it to throw a touchdown?"

"These quarterbacks are awful! I'll bet their passer rating is lower than 100!" Said Tim Gransell, 18, "I mean how hard is it to throw a ball? These guys suck."

Everyone outside of Indiana has known this day will come. The day when Peyton Manning won't be the starting quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts. The result? A bewildered and frightened population. Thousands of Indianans wearing #18 jerseys wander shell-shocked through the streets. It's been 14 years since someone other than Manning started a game under center.

The Indianapolis PD has been over-worked trying to field all the suicide-related calls. Buildings all over the rejuvenated down-town have lines out the door of hopeful suicide jumpers trying to catch elevators to the top.

Many citizens of Indianapolis couldn't name a single former QB that preceded Manning. "Harbaugh? The Ravens coach?"

Curtis Painter is ready to become the QB of the future. 12 more people just jumped.

"We've got clones of Peyton in training right?" asked Jim Caldwell, which is the longest sentence he's ever uttered.

The Colts season starts on Sunday against The Texans. It should be an interesting QB battle between Matt Schaub and Kerry Collins. Collins in all likelihood will pass Joe Montana on the all-time passing yards list, putting him into 10th all-time. If he plays all year he might surpass Dan Fouts for 9th all-time.

Collins might just have had one of the most overlooked careers of all time. It won't be a consolation to Colts fans when Collins passes Joe Montana. Peyton, who's 5 years younger than Collins, passed Montana four years ago. Collins remains a Michael Vick's worth of passing yards behind Manning on the all-time list.

Manning was expected to surpass Dan Marino into 2nd all-time in Touchdown passes. He has 399, Marino's record was 420 before Brett Favre broke it. Instead of Manning breaking Marino's mark, Colts fans will be treated with Kerry Collins passing Randall Cunningham for 28th place at 208 career TDs.

Interestingly, Manning and Collins are tied for 28th all-time in Interceptions thrown (even though Manning has nearly double the TD passes). So perhaps Colts fans can have something to celebrate as Peyton moves down on the all-time interception list. Some consolation prize.