GOOP

Me impersonating Bill Maher:



I don't hate the Republican party, but I do think they are a party of baby-murdering demon-cyborgs.

Let us suppose, for the sake of argument, that there was a party of demon-cyborgs that need stem cells from abortions in order to sustain themselves. What policies would you enact to create a surplus of stem cells?

First off, you'd do away with sex education. Tell the kids that condoms don't work, so don't bother, that they have to wait until they're 29 and married until they can have sex. Then make it hard and expensive to get birth control, oh and constantly insinuate that birth control is for sluts.

Now we've got a huge population of young people who don't think condoms work, so they don't bother using them, they don't know how to use birth control or can't get access to it, and they of course aren't waiting for marriage. Nobody waits for marriage.

Sarah Palin didn't wait until marriage and she married her high school sweetheart. Between high school and marrying her high school sweetheart, she had an affair with a future NBA player and got knocked up. So yeah, let's go to her for abstinence advice. Hows that working out for her kids?

So now we've got tons of unwanted pregnancies. But, if being a single mom isn't so bad, if you get help from the government, you might keep the kid. Oh wait, Republicans are constantly cutting benefits to poor single moms. Free school lunches, bullshit, use your bootstraps kid.

So you've got a nationwide campaign of disinformation where they say condoms don't work, birth control causes breast cancer, just ask conservapedia about that, tell young people who are known for self-control to not have sex for a decade, then you try to make access to contraception as difficult and expensive as possible, even taking it to the supreme court, then you make it really fucking hard to be a poor single mom.

That is clearly the strategy of a party of demon-cyborgs who need to feed on aborted fetuses.

BUT! BUT! You say, Republicans are for closing abortion clinics! They can't be trying to maximize the number of abortions if they're also trying to close abortion clinics.

What happens when you make something illegal? Does making it illegal make it go away? This country banned alcohol and then we stopped drinking forever, don't you guys remember that.

No, what happens is that this industry then goes black market. Instead of Anheuser Busch making money, it's the bootleggers and moonshiners. Instead of pharmaceutical companies making money, Colombian drug cartels make money. Instead of Planned Parenthood doing abortions, the Demon-Cyborgs with their fetus pincers perform abortions and then get to feed on the results.

BUT! BUT! Republicans are against stem cell research!

Yeah, they're against us researching what they're doing with all those stem cells (whisper: they're eating them).

The Republican platform when it comes to sex education, contraceptive access, childcare, and abortion access all come together in one clear strategy to create an enormous and delicious abortion black-market.

Now, I don't actually believe the republicans are demon-cyborgs. I haven't ruled it out either.

But I do believe that they are terrible parents. That's what defines them: Being a particular kind of shit parent.

The purpose of parenting is to help mold a child into a human being that can make decisions for themselves.

But they seem to think they can construct an elaborate set of rules, essentially become computer programmers and create an operating system that makes the decisions for the kids. Anybody who's done much computer programming knows about If-Then functions.

If you aren't married, then no sex. If he tries to put it in my butt, then say exit only. If someone offers you drugs, then just say no.

But you can't account for every possible situation. That's why computers suck at everything. We've got Google driverless cars that never get in accidents, they drive flawlessly because driving is pretty simple. But you know what they'll really suck at? Getaway drivers. You laugh now, but what happens when some murderer is after you and you get in your self-driving car and tell it to get you the fuck out of there, the murderer will just rear end you and the car will pull over so you can exchange insurance information and he can murder you.

That's why computer people are obsessed with AI. They want something that can learn on its own because you can't possibly account for every possible situation.

Republican parents are doing the exact opposite. They have things that learn, that have intelligence, but they're trying to beat the thinking out of them so they will just follow the rigid rules the parents create for them.

Republican parents have decided on their kids behalf, that they are A. Heterosexual, B. Not having sex until marriage, and C. Christian.

Go against any of those and they will flip their fucking shit. They don't want their kids to learn about evolution because they don't believe in it. They've made the decision, now the kid is just supposed to follow orders for their whole lives.

And if you stray, you get punished. If you're gay, you get AIDS, you get disowned, then you go to hell. If you're an atheist, you get disowned and then you go to hell. If you have pre-marital sex, then you get STDs and an unwanted pregancy, then you go to hell.

They see STDs and unwanted pregnancies as god punishing you for being bad. HIV kills gays because god hates gays. Sluts get STDs because they're dirty sluts.

But if you're a good girl, you won't need to worry about STDs or unwanted pregnancy. So you don't need any sex-ed!

Just know sex is super dangerous and then don't have it and you're fine.

It used to be true that sex was dangerous, that STDs and pregnancy were huge risks. But now we have technology. It's the future. The risks aren't the same anymore. You can use condoms and birth control and then spend a decade fucking whoever you want without having an AIDS baby. And then you can settle down and have kids when you find the right person and are ready to.

We can fuck safely now. As long as you know how to do it right.

But shitty Republican parents don't want their kids to know how to do it.

It's not just that they want to keep information from the kids. They actually want there to be STDs.

There's a vaccine for HPV, and so if all girls get it, we can basically wipe out one whole STD for future generations. Republicans are largely against it. Michelle Bachmann said the the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation. They want STDs to exist so that if their kids stray from the virginal path they set for them, they'll get spanked with the clap. They don't want abortion to be an option, that way their daughters will be so terrified of getting pregnant that they'll be afraid of having sex until they're ready to be a mom.

If it were the movie Jaws, Republican parents would be saying:

Don't catch the shark, because then my kids might go swimming.

But the shark is what makes it so dangerous.

Yeah but my kids don't know how to swim, and if they try, they might drown.

Well then teach your fucking kids to swim.

No. Swimming before you're 21 is a sin. The shark is god's way of punishing young people for sinning.

So you want the whole world to be actually more dangerous than it needs to be because you can't be bothered to teach your fucking children.

And then they complain constantly about our culture and its liberal values.

If my daughter's friends watch Sex and the City and they think it's okay to be a slut, then they'll be sluts, and then my daughter will be pressured to be like them. It's so hard to be a parent now.

No! It's not hard at all to be a parent now. It's hard to brain-wash your kids when they have Google and they can easily prove your bullshit wrong.

Morals aren't a list of do's and don'ts. Shitty lists don't impart morals. That's how you know religions are bullshit.

The Ten commandments, God's list of do's and don'ts, doesn't include rape or slavery. Those are fine. Hell, you can combine them into sex slavery and Moses will just look at his list and go, yeah, that checks out.

If we actually try to make a list of all things you shouldn't do, it won't work because in 50 years the world will be different. We'd need to constantly be adding amendments like, don't hack into people's phones and steal their nude pictures and then post them on 4chan. 

Making a list just turns us all into language-rapists who are trying to interpret laws and find loopholes. And if you can find a loop-hole then you should be fine. That's how we got the Missouri Compromise, where anal sex before marriage is fine because the hymen stays intact. That's also how it's somehow okay to murder abortion doctors.

You can't list every shitty thing. You can't possibly do it. That's why no list of commandments can ever work. Instead, you need a principle to follow.

And I've got it. This is my principal. My one commandment:

Thou Shalt Try Not To Be Epically Cunty.

You tell me, is sex slavery is a work of epic cuntyness?

Go ahead, find a loop hole in Thou Shalt Try Not To Be Epically Cunty.

“Try?” You're thinking, why is the try in there. What if I try just a little bit, and then give up?

If you aren't really trying, then you're just pretending that you're not a cunt. But actually, you're being cunty.

The try is there because sometimes you should act like a cunt. The ten Commandments fucked this one up too. Thou Shalt Not Kill? But God commands people to kill only about a thousand times in the bible. 

What about Hitler? Are we not supposed to kill Hitler? Of course sometimes you should kill. But you shouldn't just kill someone for no reason.

If someone is being an epic cunt to you, and you bite your tongue and let it slide, and then they epically cunt on you again, and this time you say, hey cunt, quit cunting on me, and then they keep cunting on you, then you've tried enough and you can be a cunt back to them.

That's it. That's all you need to know about morality for the rest of your life.

So what do you do if you're 18 years old and you're waiting until marriage to have sex and you really want to have sex with your 18 year old boyfriend. Should you get married so you can start having sex? According to Republican parents. Yes. Yes you should. Get married, then have all the sex you want, and you'll live happily ever after.

But my one commandment says, for fuck's sake, NO! Being 18 and hormonal and horny as fuck and really badly wanting to fuck somebody is not a good reason to make your teenage courtship into a death-pact. That's a really good way to be already divorced when you're 22.

Confounding horniness and teenage lust with the reasoned, mature desire to spend the next 60 years with someone you will grow to hate and making all your friends and relatives gather together for a ceremony in which your father hands over his deed to your hymen to your boyfriend is pretty cunty.

This is a map of how ignorant your children are. 

You can't just give over a list of do's and don't to your children. They will be making decisions, and so the best you can do is give them the most accurate information you can. Just telling them to wait until marriage and then denying them information on birth control and condoms is clearly a recipe for teenage pregnancy and catching STDs, just look at this map of the prevalance of teenage pregnancy.

The actual sex ed that I got went something like this. We looked at pictures of herpes and syphilis. We watched a Lifetime movie about a girl who had sex one time and got AIDS. Then we got to feel a set of rubber testicles to see what cancer feels like.

I came away from that thinking that unprotected sex is fucking dangerous. I thought if I banged a girl with no condom and she had HIV, that I would of course get the HIV. So I thought one-night stands were like Russian Roulette with HIV bullets. That's fucking scary.

So I spent several years thinking that sex was dangerous as fuck. But do you know what the actual odds are of getting HIV?

If I bang a girl, no condom, she has HIV, what are the odds I get it? 1 in how many? One in five? One in ten?

It's actually 1 in 2,500. That means, if I had 25 one-night-stands, and every single time, I somehow managed to always hook up with an AIDS girls, I have some kind of AIDSDAR, and never used condoms, I would have a 1% chance of getting HIV.

The odds that you get AIDS from blowing an AIDS dick are less than the odds that you will be killed by a police officer.

That's how you know America is a fucked up country. Our police are more dangerous than blowing AIDS dicks. And that's based on a national average. Imagine what the figures look like if you're black. Being black in America is like blowing ten AIDS dicks, just all the time.