The Luck of the Chiefs

(Apparently Scarf Messages are a thing in Soccer.)
KCMO or KCK?

6 January, 2014

Deja Vu, all over again.

You might have thought Kansas City's decades long drought was over when Sporting KC won the MLS championship just a few weeks ago, but the heartbreak from the Chiefs most recent loss is evidence that Soccer doesn't matter. Nobody is comforted from this soul-wrenching loss by remembering that we as a city just won a Soccer championship. Some people might count Soccer as a major sport, but not us.

I don't know a single person in Kansas City who was relaxed when the Chiefs took a 38-10 lead. We know better. We knew half of our team might simultaneously tear their ACLs.

Or that we might once again become a highlight reel for another future hall-of-fame QB. Even while we were still winning, even when we had the ball and were poised to get into position to kick the game winning field goal, we all knew we were going to lose. Something would happen. We'd miss the field goal, or maybe we'd score and the Colts would win on hail mary.



I started Saturday by not being able to sleep on Friday night. I was too nervous for the game. Not excited. Nervous. I finally got to sleep and woke up around 2 O'clock in a daze. There was a football game on the TV and in my dazed condition, and not wearing my glasses, I thought for a moment the red team on the field was the Chiefs. It was actually the Houston Cougars playing against the Vanderbilt Comodores. Vanderbilt was up 24-0 as they came out from halftime. For a moment I thought the UH on the Cougars' helmets was the outline of the state of Texas on the Chiefs throwback Texans helmet.

As I realized I wasn't watching the Chiefs getting blown out in a post-season game, the Houston Cougars suddenly stormed back. Down 24-0 at the half, they quickly scored to close to 24-17 with 3 minutes to go in the third quarter. Everyone loves an underdog. I have no idea who was favored in the BBVA Compass bowl, but after watching the Cougars storming back, I cheered out loud when they connected on a long pass to score a TD to tie the game with seconds left in the third.

The Houston Cougars had become my team.

They wouldn't score again as they would return to first half form and watch Vanderbilt score three times in the fourth to win 41-24.

That's the life of a Chiefs fan. Don't let us jump on your bandwagon, we're all just going to die of dysentery.


We don't have hockey because the Kansas City Scouts lasted only two years before moving away. They've since become the three time Stanley Cup Champion New Jersey Devils. The Devils were in the Stanley Cup Finals just two years ago.

We don't have basketball since the Kansas City Kings left for Sacramento. We were really just a brief stop on their trip out west, having previously been in Cincinnati. The Kings last won a playoff series in 2004.

The Kansas City Royals haven't made it to the playoffs since 1985. The last time the Chiefs won a playoff game, it was against a team that doesn't exist anymore. In 1994, the Chiefs beat the Houston Oilers in the second round. That season, NFL teams had two bye weeks in a one year experiment with an 18-week season. Remember the double-bye? That's how long it has been.

Expect the Unexpected?
Like moving to Sacramento?

Why aren't we allowed to have nice things?

Boston had a curse. They traded away Babe Ruth. I hate to blame the victim, but come on, that's asking for it. The Patriots were bad for a long time, except for those pockets of greatness that got them blown out in two Super Bowls. The Bruins were great once, but then had decades of futility. Same goes for the Celtics. Of course, all four Boston teams won titles in the 2000s.

The Cubs have gone over a century without winning the World Series. Since winning it all in 1908, during that reign of the Ottoman Empire, the Cubs have won only a single playoff series in 105 years. That one playoff series victory was followed by the collapse against the Marlins, partly due to the Steve Bartman incident.

The Cleveland Browns had their hearts ripped out of their chests by John Elway in consecutive years. Then they had their team taken away and moved to Baltimore and renamed for some goddamn emo poetry. Then the Ravens went and won two Super Bowls, while Cleveland is stuck with an expansion team trying to pretend to be an NFL team. That's some Shakespearean tragedy right there.

The Browns are cursed for not making this their logo.

That's before we get to the Indians or Lebron James breaking up with his hometown on national TV.

The Buffalo Bills were cursed with four straight Super Bowl losses and futility ever since. Oh except for the Music City Miracle totally screwing them over. But hey, at least they have the Sabres. Except they lost the Stanley Cup, in Overtime, via an illegal, but not reviewed goal by Brett Hull.

The only team with a longer NFL playoff drought than the Chiefs is the Bengals. I feel bad for the Bengals. Draft bust after draft bust, you'd think they'd eventually find a star. They were good in the 80s. Good enough to lose two Super Bowls. Hey at least they have the Reds...oh yeah. What about Basketball? Oh right. Hockey? I suppose you could say they have the Columbus Blue Jackets, but that's not gonna help.

If there is a god, he sure hates Cleveland, Cincinatti, the Cubs, definitely Buffalo. Oh and Kansas City

Is his foot in the crease? Better review it...
Nah, they're celebrating already, too late to review it. 

.

Perhaps the worst part of being a Chiefs fan is that we don't even get the lore. We don't have Buckner or Bartman or Babe Ruth or Art Modell stealing our team. We don't have The Drive or The Fumble or The No-Goal or The Decision. If and when those curses are finally broken and say the Browns finally win a Super Bowl, most people will celebrate the lifting of that curse. But if the Chiefs or Royals ever manage to win something, will anyone really notice or care?

This weekend, all the wrong teams won. Every game went the wrong way. Which tells me that there's either no god, or a maybe he's letting Satan run sports because of all the stupid prayers.

The Chargers somehow made the playoffs, needing a bunch of other teams to lose, and facing the Chiefs backups. We rested our guys so we would be healthy for the playoffs  (that sure helped), besides, we had nothing to gain. The Chargers get in, and are sent to Cincinnati. The Bengals won their division, making the playoffs for the third year in a row.

Wait, let me back up.

The Bengals last playoff victory came in the 1990 season against the Houston Oilers. Sorry Houston. You guys have the Texans though...so it's not all bad. And the Astros. Are they good? I don't watch baseball, so I don't know these things.

In '91, the Bengals went 3-13. In the following draft, they picked Houston Cougars QB David Klingler. He's now a Biblical Studies Professor in of course Houston, Texas. So you might imagine how he fared as an NFL QB.

The Bengals didn't have another winning season until 2005. That's 14 seasons where they never did better than 8-8. With all those bad years, you'd think they'd draft some great players. Guys like Defensive End John Copeland #5, with hall of famer Willie Roaf going 8th. Dan Wilkinson #1, when Marshall Faulk went #2. Running Back Ki-Jana Carter #1 overall. Had they picked Faulk the year before, maybe instead of Carter they take QB Steve McNair who went #3? They took Reinard Wilson and Brian Simmons in the 97 and 98 first rounds. Who? In 1999 they took QB Akili Smith #3. The next 5 picks were pro-bowlers. Akili Smith had 5 TD passes...in his NFL career. Cam Newton had more passing yards and TDs in his first 8 games than Akili had in his entire NFL career.

Is this how you Quarter Back?

In 2000, they followed up the Akili bust pick with WR Peter Warrick. RB Jamal Lewis was the next pick. Brian Urlacher a few picks after that.

2001 is when the Bengals finally figured out how to Draft. They got DE Justin Smith, the next year was OT Levi Jones, the year after that was Carson Palmer, Heisman Trophy winning, National Champion, pretty boy from USC, face of the franchise. They finally got it right. In Palmer's third season, he led the Bengals to their first winning record since going 9-7 way back in 1990.

The only joke here is the Bengals uniform. 

The Bengals were 11-5 and won their division. That's right, they beat the seemingly always good Ravens and Steelers and won their division. First playoff game in 15 years, and it's at home, and guess who? Pittsburgh's coming. Carson Palmer's first pass was a 66 yard completion, and it was his last of the day. Torn ACL. Jon Kitna came in and played well, but without Palmer, the Bengals lost to the Steelers 31-17.

First fucking drive, first pass, star quarterback tears his ACL.

Bengals go 8-8, 7-9, 4-12 over the next three years.

Then they go 10-6 and win their division again in 2009. A home playoff game! They lose in the first round to the Jets. The Jets only got in because they played the Curtis Painter-led Colts. If Manning had finished that game, it's not the Jets but the Houston Texans coming to Cincinnati. Somebody would finally win a playoff game. Bengals go 4-12 the next season, Palmer, not wanting to stay in a cursed city demands to be traded or he'll retire.

The Bengals go ahead and draft a replacement in Andy Dalton in the 2nd round, having the balls to take WR A.J. Green in the first round and wait on their QB in the 2nd. The old Bengals wouldn't have made such a shrewd move.

Tom Bahali - Yoga Instructor

Dalton plays well and then a Cincinatti Miracle happens. Jason Campbell gets hurt, the Raiders decide to trade for Palmer. The Bengals get a 1st and a 2nd rounder for their no longer needed QB. Everything's coming together.

The Bengals go 9-7 and are one-and-done in the playoffs after losing to the Texans, but hey, a rookie QB gets you to the playoffs? And you have an extra first rounder next year? In 2012 they follow up with another playoff year and another first round loss at the Texans.

Now it's Dalton's third year. Time to step up in the playoffs. This time they won the division again. Dalton and A.J. Green's first chance at a home playoff game.

Hey refs, what are you looking at exactly?

And who are they playing? Will it be the Dolphins? The Ravens? The Steelers? Or the Chargers? Going into week 17, it could have been any of those teams. The Bengals beat the Ravens, having already won the division, this is just salt in the wound as they knock the Ravens out of playoff contention. The Dolphins could have been going into Paul Brown stadium, but they can't get it done. The Steelers take care of business and are headed to Cincy if the Chiefs can beat the Chargers later that afternoon. The Chiefs have nothing to play for and put in their backups. The Chiefs JV team still nearly beats the Chargers, and in fact drives in position to kick a 41 yard game winning field goal. But Ryan Succop misses it (and the refs miss an illegal formation that should have given Succop a second try). The Charges somehow make the playoffs.

We're sorry Cincinnati. The Chargers just went into Cincinnati and beat the Bengals. Philip Rivers' smug ass, the god damn Chargers. The team that fired Marty Schottenheimer after a 14-2 season.

It has to be tough to be a Bengal fan today, but hey, at least you guys got beat pretty bad. Not a lot of "what ifs." At least your QB didn't tear his ACL. At least you didn't blow a 28 point second-half lead...

I guess the Colts-Chiefs game is payback for the hubris of resting our starters. The 2009 Colts got Tracy Porter'd for resting starters and in effect screwing the Houston Texans out of a playoff spot by handing a win to the Jets. The Texans had to play the real Varsity Colts twice and lost twice, and lost out on the wild-card because the Jets got a freebie from Curtis Painter. Sorry Houston, you got screwed, so you got to watch Peyton throw a game clinching pick-six. Does that make up for it?

The Chiefs and Bengals both lost. The Packers lost to the 49ers, not a lot of sob stories between these teams, but the Packers had to endure a season where their star QB's collar-bone became the most talked about bone since Josh and Donna finally boned.

The Saints went into Philly and beat the Foles-led Eagles. Come on, god, can't you let the Eagles win something?

Prior to this weekend, if you asked me who I wanted to win each game, I would have picked every loser. I wanted the Chiefs, Packers, Eagles, and Bengals. Since what I want to happen is the opposite of what will happen, I guess that makes me like Cassandra. I can see the future, but I'm just gonna hate what I see.

I mean, the Ravens led by the "non-murderer" Ray Lewis won it all last year. It couldn't have been the Falcons and Tony Gonzalez. That would have been too good of a story.

Did you know he played basketball?

When rumors swirled about the dismal Falcons trading Tony Gonzalez at the deadline to the suddenly good Chiefs, perhaps giving him one more chance at a ring, I had visions of our offense suddenly becoming the real deal with a hall-of-fame Tight End to make us deadly in the Red Zone. But no, of course that's not what would happen. Instead the Falcons would just continue to suck and the Chiefs would continue to have no solid option at TE, no receiver to step up to make those pivotal 4th and long catches. Of course not, we'll probably just be one-and-done in the playoffs again to probably, the Colts.

If the last thing I'd like to see is what's really going to happen, then Peyton Manning and the Broncos will win the Super Bowl, probably over the Seahawks or Panthers, teams who've played highlight-reel fodder to the Patriots and Steelers in recent Super Bowls.

The worst part of our loss again to the Colts is the lack of a moment to blame it on. There's too many moments. It'd be almost nicer if we had one thing to seize on. In our 2003 38-31 loss to the Colts in which neither team punted, we had a phantom Offensive Pass Interference call that went against Tony Gonzalez and took a TD off the board before half-time. In 1997, the Broncos came into Arrowhead after we had a bye and beat us while wearing something greasy on their uniforms. Bunch of greased up cheaters. Oh and there was a Tony Gonzalez touchdown that was called incomplete but replays showed him in bounds. Replay would be added the following year. There's the Lin Elliot misses.

Good Guy Eli. Sucks so you can draft a QB to replace him.
"You guys said Peyton did this right?"

People remember Lin Elliot blowing it on three field goals, but that's about it. We don't have a scapegoat this year. We can't point a finger at Bartman and say it's his fault. We could point out the injuries to Jamaal Charles, Brandon Flowers, Justin Houston, Donnie Avery, and Knile Davis. But even with all those injuries, we still had a 28 point lead. There's too many injuries, no one to seize on. There's no blown call to blame. Maybe we point at Dwayne Bowe coming down out of bounds to end the game, but that's not like a dropped gimme, he's not the sickest man in America after that. It's hard to put the blame on anyone on the offensive side of the ball. Maybe you blame Bob Sutton for being unable to figure out how to stop them, or our secondary for being abused. But that's not one moment you can hang your hat on.

See, we're left with dozens of little moments, injuries, decisions, what-ifs? What if Alex Smith's fumble tumbled toward the boundary just a little faster and the Colts couldn't pick it up before going out of bounds.

When the announcers mentioned that Donald Brown had never fumbled, everyone in Indianpolis cringed and yelled at the annoucners for jinxing him. Everyone in KC cheered, and waited in anticipation for the Donald Brown fumble. We weren't too happy with how that turned out.

What if we recover that ball? We win. What if we punch in a touchdown rather than settling for 3 after that 3rd Luck Interception? We Win. What if we call a different play and dont' get that intentional grounding call on our final drive? We win. What if we have not Jamaal, but at least our backup running back for the whole second half to grind the clock? We win. What if Flowers doesn't get hurt? We win.

There's too many moments, too many scenarios, so we're left in a daze, wishing we could go back and change them, wondering what might have happened. There's just too many horribly wrong details to forget. We dropped 44 points on them and lost? Alex Smith had the best game of his career and we lost? We were +3 on turnovers and we lost? No missed field goals? How does this happen?

Joe always did know how to talk dirty.

After we scored to go up 38-10, the odds of a Chiefs victory were 500-1. That's 99.8%. I wish a bookee had called me up then and offered me 500-1 odds. I think most people in KC would have instantly bet against the Chiefs. We know better. We knew we weren't a 99.8% lock to win. We might allow ourselves to think we were at 80%. But no better. We've seen Joe Montana concussed in the AFC title game. We've watched Lin Elliot kick under pressure. We've watched a bunch of greased up cheaters get bad calls go their way. We've seen our offense be unstoppable and our defense incapable of getting one. We've seen "not" a
murderer Ray Lewis get sent off with a second ring. We've seen the Steelers beat the Cardinals and the Seahawks. We've seen three expansion teams that didn't exist when we last beat the Oilers, win playoff games ahead of us.

Maybe our uniforms are cursed. How's this?
 Awful? Wait, I've got another idea!

We're not allowed to have nice things. I'm convinced the Royals will continue to suck. The Chiefs will go 8-8 next year, 7-9 after that, then 3-13 and Andy Reid will be gone. We'll get a top draft pick and there will finally be an actual QB that we can draft! He'll be great and we'll win the division and get a bye and then he'll tear his labrum on his first pass and never be the same QB again.

After watching the Packers-Niners game,
I've decided the Chiefs flaw is a lack of Gold Pants.

If you wanted a curse to root against, an underdog to get behind, well, the Chiefs and Bengals are predictably out again. Maybe root for the Seahawks who got screwed out of a Super Bowl by bad refs. It won't help though, because it's going to be the Broncos. It's the last thing I want to see. So it will happen. For a moment during the Super Bowl, while the Broncos are winning, I'll think, "Maybe Peyton will retire now," and I'll be hopeful, like the hope you feel when you lock up the #1 overall pick in that last game of the season. But that hope will be crushed when there's nobody to draft, or when Peyton pulls an Elway and comes back for another season.


If I sound like I've lost hope, it's because I have. I know the Royals will suck and the Chiefs will continue to tease us with hope and then really stick it to us. That's just what they do. The Royals might be cursed because of the blown call in the '85 World Series that kept them alive. At least there's something we can pin that bad karma on. What did the Chiefs ever do?

At this point all I can do is root for other underdogs. Sorry Cincinatti. I think I screwed you over today.

I guess I can try to like Soccer.

The Sweet Thirteen

January 2th, 2004 2014

I've posted on here a few times now about the NFL's playoff system and all the ways I think it sucks. Let me boil it down real quick.

Having only 4 teams in each division makes it so that you will have 7-9 and 8-8 teams win a division some of the time, and 9-7 quite regularly. When you guarantee a home playoff game to each of the divisions, that ends up with things like the 11-5 Patriots missing the playoffs entirely while the 8-8 Chargers not only get in the playoffs but play at home against a team that went 12-4, as it actually happened in 2008. Basically, if you guarantee home playoff game to division winners, you're discriminating against teams because they play in good divisions. The 2010 Saints went 11-5 but had to go on the road against the 7-9 Seahawks. Why are we rewarding teams that are in shitty divisions and punishing teams that have a really good record but happen to be in the same division as another team with the same record?

So, I've proposed eliminating the reward for winning your division, perhaps stipulating that if no team in a division 9-7 or better, then that division's spot becomes a wild-card. OR just ranking teams and forgetting about who wins a division. The argument against this is that divisions wouldn't matter and nobody would care about division titles. To that I say...do people care a lot now about division titles? I think they care about getting into the playoffs. Do people care about conference titles? It's super bowl or bust isn't it?

You can also change the divisions up. If you have 5 teams in a division, then the odds of a 7-9 team winning a division are astronomical. If you look through the standings from 90s to 2001 when they switched from 6 to 8 divisions, you'll find that almost every single division winner is 10-6 or better, because having 5 teams to choose from makes the likelihood of one of those teams being quite good, quite high. I found only two instances of a 9-7 team winning a division, and one of those was in a 4-team division, and the other happened in a division in which 4 of the 5 teams were 8-8 or 9-7 (i.e. the wins were just too well divided up, and change a game here or there and one of those teams gets to 10 wins). The problem is that with 32 teams you can't easily have any other divisional setup, other than 4 5-team divisions and 2 6-team divisions. You could go to 36 teams (London, LA...), and go to 6 6-team divisions, but that many teams means you would play 10 divisional games, leaving only 6 left, not great for scheduling (unless you add games...).

I've also argued for the elimination of the AFC-NFC split in the playoff system. What is with all this arbitrary splitting up of teams into conferences and divisions? Sure there's some history to it, but it's not like the AFC and NFC are all that distinct. Why does the title game have to be a battle between an AFC and an NFC team? Why not just have the best two teams? Think back to all those blowout Super Bowls we had because the NFC was so dominant. Why arbitrarily draw a line and say one super bowl team has to come from each side of the line?

Our current system often results in situations where teams know too much about their playoff seeding ahead of time. This year is a great example. Because the Chiefs are in the same division as the Broncos, they knew after week 16 that they could not catch the Broncos, but at 11-4, they also knew they were far and away better than any other wildcard team. Theoretically, the Chiefs could have known they were locked into the #5 seed with 2 or even 3 games to play. Since the Chiefs had nothing at all to play for, they rested their starters and ended up losing a close game. This let the San Diego Chargers into the playoffs, while had the Chiefs had something to play for, they probably beat San Diego, and the Pittsburgh Steelers are in the playoffs instead. The Steelers are at home right now because the Chiefs knew they couldn't improve their playoff seeding.

I have argued in the past for a 16-team tournament, but the main criticism is that it makes the regular season matter less. I counter this by pointing out that the current system allows the team with the 5th best record to miss the playoffs while the team with the 19th best record can get in and get a home game (cough, Seahawks, cough). I also point out that the current 12-team playoff lets in 9-7 and 8-8 teams that get home games, while a simple 16-team tournament would indeed let in more 9-7 teams, but they would not be getting home games, and that the last teams looking in in our current system often have the same record as the last teams in, but happen to lose a tie-breaker like conference record (ummm...so we draw a line in the sand and look only at your record against teams on this side of the sand...for some reason). Basically, we're letting tie-breakers and stat columns decide who goes home and who goes to the playoffs.

But, I will concede that perhaps 16 is too far. Half the league is a bit much. There has been talk from Goodell of going to a 14-team playoff, with only 2 byes instead of 4, and letting in an extra wildcard. I'd like this change and think that's a good way of improving.

But instead, I'd like to present my own new fangled, too-crazy-to-work, playoff insanity tournament to go to the Super Bowl for make benefit the NFL's bank account.

So here's my proposal:

All NFL teams with a winning record get into the playoffs. That actually might be only 12 teams, or it could be 16, but usually the number will be between those two. So how do we make a bracket with 13 teams? You vary the number of byes to make it work.

Here's the 20132014 NFL Tournament, or the Sweet Thirteen.

#1 Seattle 13-3
#2 Denver 13-3
#3 Carolina 12-4
#4 New England 12-4
#5 San Fran 12-4
#6 Cincinnati 11-5
#7 Indianapolis 11-5
#8 New Orleans 11-5
#9 Kansas City 11-5
#10 Philadelphia 10-6
#11 Arizona 10-6
#12 San Diego 9-7
#13 Green Bay 8-7-1

Baltimore, Miami, Chicago, Dallas, Pittsburgh, Jets all just miss out at 8-8.

To make this work, we have 3 byes: Seattle, Denver, Carolina, leaving 5 wild-card weekend games 13 at 4, 12 at 5, 11 at 6, and so on.

Looking at those records, I want you to notice that in the real playoffs Arizona is out, while 8-7-1 Green Bay is not only in but is playing a home January playoff game at Lambeau field and hosting #5 San Francisco. The 49ers are having to go on the road to Lambeau as reward for having the 5th best record in the league. Does that seem in any way fair? #5 AT #13 makes no sense at all, and we have that matchup because of divisions.

Now actually, if this were the real playoff, then the Chiefs would not have rested starters and so they would have almost certainly won (since the backups played into OT and lost because of some bad refs...), which means the Chiefs would have been 12-4 and the Chargers 8-8. In other years you'll see teams at the top of their conference resting starters when in this sytem they would still be battling a team in the other conference for the #1 overall seed.

So let's look at this system with a Chiefs win:

#1 Seattle 13-3
#2 Denver 13-3
#3 Carolina 12-4
#4 New England 12-4
#5 San Fran 12-4
#6 Kansas City 12-4
#7 Cincinnati 11-5
#8 Indianapolis 11-5
#9 New Orleans 11-5
#10 Philadelphia 10-6
#11 Arizona 10-6
#12 Green Bay 8-7-1

With 12 teams in, we need 4 byes: Seattle, Denver, Carolina, New England.

Because of the unknown of how many byes there will be, that makes it much less likely for teams to KNOW if they have gotten a bye or not, as a change in the KC-SD game decides if it's 3 or 4 byes. In addition, Seattle and Denver wouldn't be able to rest starters if they wanted to grab the top seed.

So, we have 5 hosting 12, 6 hosting 11, and so on, right?

WRONG.

Being a top seed means you get to pick your opponent. That's right.

So we have a draft. Make a TV thing of it. The #5 49ers are on the clock and they have their choice of the bottom 4 teams. So San Fran, do you want to host the Saints, the Eagles, the Cardinals, or the Packers? They beat the Cardinals twice and now them well, but then again, they beat the Packers too. Maybe the Packers are better than their record when they have Rodgers back...Maybe you're more confident you can take out the Carson Palmer Cardinals...

#5 49ers select #11 Arizona Cardinals.

#6 Chiefs are on the clock. Who do you want coming to Arrowhead, the Saints, the Eagles, or the Packers. The Saints are a different team away from the Superdome and Alex Smith has had playoff success against them. Then again, Andy Reid knows the Eagles better than anyone. That Chiefs defense shut down Rodgers and ended their perfect season a couple years ago.

#6 Chiefs select #10 Eagles

Alright Bengals, who do you want? Saints or Packers? Brees or Rodgers? That's a tough pick, and this shows how important it is to get a good record and get a top seed. #5 seed lets you pick Carson Palmer, at #7 you're picking between Brees and Rodgers...

Bengals decide that they'd rather go against Rodgers since he's banged up and has missed a lot of time.

#7 Bengals select #12 Packers.

The Colts have no choice.

#8 Colts will host the #9 Saints in a super bowl re-match.

Do we have enough interesting story-lines? Andy Reid confident he can beat Eagles. Colts-Saints rematch. 49ers and Cardinals in a divisional re-match, the last game at Candlestick.

I'm going to project these games using magical thinking

Cardinals 14
49ers 27

Palmer throws 5 too many INTs. 49ers offense struggles but the turnovers are all the difference.

Eagles 27
Chiefs 31

Chiefs finally break playoff curse. The Walrus has too much knowledge of that Eagle team to let them get by. Foles has a solid game, but Alex Smith and Jamaal Charles are just too much for that Eagle D.

Packers 23
Bengals 28

The Bengals break a playoff curse too. A.J. Green lights up the Packers D, Rodgers is good but not great in a tough road loss.

Saints 34
Colts 35

Brees and the Saints come out strong on the turf at Lucas Oil stadium, putting on quite an offensive show. But Luck storms back to take the lead with only seconds remaining, getting payback for that Super Bowl.

Round two:

Our four teams on bye:
#1 Seattle 13-3
#2 Denver 13-3
#3 Carolina 12-4
#4 New England 12-4

Now have their choice of meals:
#5 San Fran 12-4
#6 Kansas City 12-4
#7 Cincinnati 11-5
#8 Indianapolis 11-5

#1 Seattle picks first. They know they can beat the 49ers at home, but a recent loss at Candlestick stings a little too deep to make that ballsy pick. Luck and the Colts are the lowest seed but they also delivered one of the Seahawks three losses in the regular season. Who scares you more, Chiefs or Bengals?

#1 Seattle selects #7 Cincinnati.

Coach Carroll, why did you pick the Bengals? What about them makes you think you stand a good chance of beating them? Let the twitter-shit-fest begin. Maybe the Seahawks figure they can shut down A.J. Green with their secondary and would rather face the Bengals running game than Jamaal Charles.

#2 Denver, your turn.

Do you want the Colts who are one of the few teams to beat you in the regular season, and beat you bad? Maybe the Colts are too much of a ghost in Peyton's closet. Monkey in his back? Something like that. You've been the Chiefs twice...

#2 Denver selects #6 Kansas City

Panthers, who you got? 49ers or Colts? Tough call. they beat the 49ers at the Stick by a point, but maybe the Colts without Reggie Wayne aren't quite as scary. Then again, Luck's comeback ability is quite a threat.

Riverboat Ron takes the Colts.

#3 Panthers select #8 Colts

#4 Patriots will host #5 49ers


So we've got round two:
#1 Seahawks host #7 Bengals.
#2 Broncos host #6 Chiefs
#3 Panthers host #8 Colts
#4 Patriots host #5 49ers

Harbaugh vs. Belichick. Cam Newton vs. Andrew Luck. Chiefs v. Broncos III. Russell Wilson vs. gravity.


Bengals 13
Seahawks 31

That secondary is too much, Bengals don't stand a chance.

Chiefs 38
Broncos 34

The Broncos terrible defense really steps it up in the playoffs. Manning is great as always, but John Pussy Fox is too timid, kneeling before halftime, not going for close 4th downs, and playing not to lose rather than playing to win. Chiefs come out in a stunner.

Colts 23
Panthers 26 (OT)

Another comeback from Luck, but Cam Newton comes through in OT to send the Colts home.

49ers 18
Patriots 19

Close game where neither team can get it done in the red zone. Patriots squeak by in a game that makes both teams look bad.


Round Three:
#1 Seattle 13-3
#3 Carolina 12-4

#4 New England 12-4
#6 Kansas City 12-4

See how important that #3 seed was for Carolina and New England? Because the Panthers got the 3 and the Broncos lost, that lets the Panthers play both games at home before a possible trip to the Super Bowl, while the Pats have to go on the road.

Seahawks pick on Kansas City, figuring they'd rather face Andy Reid and Alex Smith than Belichick-Brady.

Chiefs at Seahawks
Patriots at Panthers

We have an old AFC West re-match, as well as Alex Smith going back to Seattle where he's lost many times before.

We also have a Super Bowl rematch. Cam Newton and Riverboat Ron might not remember it, but Brady sure as hell remembers winning a super bowl over these pussy cats.

Seahawks home-field advantage and defense are too much for the Chiefs. The Patriots offensive struggles are exacerbated by a tough Panther D.

Super Bowl:

Panthers vs. Seahawks

Two teams with no Super Bowl wins, one will break that drought. Who will rise up to join the elite QB club, will it be Cam Newton or Russell Wilson?

Aaron Hernandez Suffers Shanked ACL, Will Stand Trial On Crutches, Bernard Pollard Wanted For Questioning.

"Did I do that?"

10 December, 2013

There are once again, no healthy Tight Ends available for those popular prison football games.

His ACL was not torn from a quick jump-cut, but was rather whittled away over several minutes with a spork stolen from the cafeteria.

So while Mr. Hernandez will stand trial in a few months, he will likely have to be aided by crutches in order to do so.

In Vegas, the odds of a successful Hernandez escape from prison have dropped from 10-1 to 140-1 thanks to his diminished skills. "I just don't see him leaping out of a tunnel and being able to juke his way out of the spotlight," Vegas bookee Mick Walters said.

ACL's and Sporks don't mix. 

Prison officials have not officially charged any inmates in the attack, though a few persons of interest have been named including Titans safety Bernard Pollard. "He's not the prime suspect by any means," Warden Smithers said, "but we would like to speak to him about his whereabouts."
Mr. Pollard insists he was in Denver at the time of the Spork-Shank, adding "Just ask Wes Welker where I was. Well...maybe not Wes. Ask Eric Decker, he'll remember me. Maybe."

You can scratch Hernandez from the all-prison team for a while, but come next summer, you might have quite a formidable team for that annual Guards vs. Inmates game. The projected line-up looks like this:

At Quarterback, Ryan Leaf, because when I think of skills that come in handy at Quarterback, I think of Meth-ed up burglars.

At Running Back,  O.J. Simpson. He's got a Heisman trophy on his resume and good running backs need to be elusive, so I don't know who's more elusive than a guy that got away with an obvious double-homicide (though he seems to lack that 3rd gear needed to outrun anybody [get it, that's a Bronco joke]).

At WR, we've got Rae Carruth, who was a first round pick in 1997 and had over 800 yards and 4 TDs receiving before he had his 8-month pregnant girlfriend murdered.

Selfies: Worlds Best Alibi. 

Also at WR we have Brandon Marshall, 4-time Pro Bowler and 6-time domestic violence perpetrator. He's not in jail at the moment, but we're projecting that he will be in time for next year's prison game. We feel confident in this projection based on his history. He was arrested for assaulting a police officer while in college, he has been stabbed in the stomach by his own wife, and the cherry-on-top was his story about how he suffered severe cuts to his arm that damaged his muscles and tore tendons: he claimed the injury occured when he "slipped on a McDonald's bag and fell into a television set." Given his street cred as a walking yakkety sax video, we're projecting that on Christmas morning he will be attempting to open one of those ridiculous clamshell plastic things forged in the fire of Mount Doom that's encasing a new pair of White PowerBeats when he will slip and accidentally bury his scissors six inches deep into a Police Officer's groin.

Then at TE, Aaron Hernandez will probably be healthy, if not Super Bowl champion and child molester Mark Chmura will fill in.

Richie Incognito will play left Guard, while the Pouncey brothers of "Free Hernandez"-hat fame will play Center and right guard.

Sebastian Janikowski will be both kicker and punter, which might cause a few problems for Head Coach Jerry Sandusky as Janikowski will insist on attempting a field goal regardless of field position.

At Kick-Returner, the world's-worst valentine's day gift-giver and famed Blade Runner, Oscar Pistorious will add some spark to the return game as he really puts the "Special" in Special Teams.

Friday Colbert

Friday, October 4th, 2013

This is Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger:

Tip of the hat to Representative Tim Griffin of Arkansas. Only Two minutes after reports emerged of a shooting outside the capitol, Griffin showed that he has what it takes to be a congressional Republican. He didn't wait for all the facts to come in, in fact, he didn't wait for any facts. He took to twitter within two minutes of the first reports of gun shots and tweeted the only fact he needed to know. It was president Obama's fault.

Tweeting: "Stop the violent rhetoric President Obama, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi.#disgusting.

You see folks, Representative Griffin doesn't need to wait for facts because he has all the truthiness he needs right in his guts.

Everyone remembers the Apostle Paul's tweet in the bible from 30 seconds after he heard about Jesus's crucifixion:

“Some Jews just nailed up Jesus, where are the Romans when you need 'em. #hang-in-there-jesus”

Wag of the finger goes to Representative Tim Griffin of Arkansas for immediately deleting his brave tweet and pretending like it didn't happen.

He later apologized for his tweet, saying “the shooting today is a terrible and inexcusable tragedy and an act of terrorism. No one but the shooter is to blame.”

Seems Representative Griffin may have wanted to hear some more facts before issuing his apology for saying things before he knew enough facts.

It turns out that the incident was caused by a woman suffering from mental illness trying to ram the White House gate. The woman was shot and killed by capitol police despite the fact that she herself was unarmed and had a baby in the car. Thus the only shots that were fired, were fired by police. So Representative Griffin has bravely called the Capitol police terrorists and put the blame squarely on them.

That might explain why he thinks they shouldn't be paid.

Tip of the Hat to the unpaid Vigilantes guarding the White house. I mean, sure they fired dozens of shots at an unarmed woman who had a baby in her car, but what were they supposed to do when a black woman tried to get into the White House?

Thanks for your service, unpaid vigilantes. Or as I like to call them, good guys with guns.

Wag of the finger goes to Bill O'Reilly. On Monday BillO went on my hated enemy's – I mean, dear friend Jon Stewart's show. When Stewart asked BillO what he would have done in Lybia, he answered:

“I would have sent a few exocets over, bang.”

Now I'm all for indiscriminately lobbing missiles into a war-torn part of the middle east, just like Jesus would have done. But BillO said “Exocet.” I don't know if you guys are as big of Falkland Island War Buffs as me, so let me tell you, the Exocet is a FRENCH missile.

BillO didn't say he wanted to launch a bunch of American Tomahawks, or unleash Obama's terror drones, no, BillO said, launch a bunch of Exocets. What's wrong Bill? Are American missiles not good enough for you?

Unless....

Tip of the Hat to Bill Oreilly, for his bold plan of invading France, stealing their French missiles, cause they're not gonna use 'em, then finding those missiles a good home in the middle east where they'll be appreciated.

Wag of the Finger to Bill Maher. This week Maher said “Atheism is the new gay marriage,” and that more and more atheists will be coming out of the closet.

(applause) - I know Nation, I'm just as outraged.

Maybe these silly atheists haven't seen the holy light yet because they've been hiding in a closet.

I don't know what this means, the new gay marriage, what is that? Is every atheist going to marry Richard Dawkins? The old gay marriage was a concerted effort by liberals to ruin my marriage, but joke's on them, I'm still happily married to a WOMAN.

Are Atheists going to try to make us all have Satanic weddings? Who's to say? Judging by the number of smug atheists on the internet, my guess is that atheists will be marrying themselves. I mean, if they won't even listen to Jesus, what are the odds they could listen to a woman?

And finally, a Wag of the Finger, to Bill O'Reilly. He's really tearing up the charts today, two Wags and a Tip, usually you have to pay extra for that.

Bill O on his show:

“It’s like this: Your teenager comes to you, saying she wants to attend a dance. You have some misgivings, but you say okay because she’s so passionate about the issue. Then you learn a vicious motorcycle gang may well show up at the dance, so you change your mind based upon best available evidence. And you protect your daughter from possible danger. Obamacare is like that.”



(Audience shock) – I know Nation, it's shocking just how insightful Bill can be.


First of all, who lets their daughter do something so dangerous as go to a dance, just because she's so passionate about the issue of dancing.Secondly, changing your mind based upon the best available evidence? Who is this, Bill O – Dawkins?

But I have to give BillO a Tip of the Hat, making 4-4 on the day, with two tips and two wags, for his spot-on analogy. Obamacare is exactly like a vicious motorcycle gang.

Who hasn't had the experience of being surrounded on the highway by a motor cycle gang that intimidates you and then makes you buy health insurance?

They're like the mafia coming into your house and saying, “those are nice Kidneys you got there, it'd be a shame if anything happened to them. . .because you don't have health insurance and you would probably go bankrupt paying out of pocket. You should really do the sensible thing and pay some protection money to me, or one of the many fine health insurance providers listed on the new exchanges which allow you to easily compare before you buy.”

So vicious.

(This is Part One of the "I pretend I'm a writer for the Colbert Report. Here's Part Two and Part Three)

Exxon Develops New Boat That Runs Purely on Spilled Oil

26 August, 2013

Like a vacuum cleaner at the front, the new Exxon Crude-Burner ship needs no onboard fuel supply. It swoops across the seas, skimming spilled crude oil off the top of the waves, sending it to it's efficient crude burning engines. "It's so green, it's amazing," said Exxon Engineer Bill Bowersox. "The thing will run anywhere, thanks to all the oil we, I mean, those other companies have been spilling. That's the beauty of the modern world, there's crude oil just laying around ready to be used everywhere you go. Now you don't even need to top of your tanks."

The Crude-Burner made a voyage from Florida to Texas without using a single drop of onboard fuel, proving the usefulness of the system. And this new technology is very green, as it skims away the harmful spilled crude oil, burns it into a black smoke and releases the smoke into the air, leaving the waters a crystal clear...ish sort of blue, with a hint of all the colors of the Rainbow glimmering in the waves. "The waters are beautiful and the pollution is gone," said Bowersox. When asked about the fumes given off by burning crude oil directly, Bowersox dismissed the fumes as harmless, saying, "Well we're developing a plane to take care of that."

What The Chiefs Should Have Done

28 April, 2013

The Chiefs made these picks in the draft:

1-1 Eric Fisher, Left Tackle, Central Michigan
3-63 Travis Kelce, Tight End, Cincinatti
3-96 Knile Davis, Running Back, Arkansas
4-99 Nico Johnson, Linebacker, Alabama
5-134 Sanders Commings, Cornerback, Georgia
6-170 Eric Kush, Center, California (Pennsylvania)
6-204 Braden Wilson, Fullback, Kansas State
7-207 Mike Catapana, Defensive End, Princeton

The new face of the franchise...

Personally, my first reaction to their draft is...it was fucking awful. Terrible. Ridiculous. Of course, I could be totally wrong and these guys might be building blocks to a Super Bowl victory in three or four years (I'd wager against that though).

First off, they had the number one overall pick. This pick needs to make a HUGE impact. This is where Peyton Manning, John Elway, Andrew Luck, and many other quarterbacks were selected. Well the Chiefs were just unlucky enough that the one year they finish dead last is the first year in a while in which no quarterback would go in the top 10. "Earning the #1 pick" meant you got Andrew Luck or Cam Newton the last two years. In 2010 it meant Sam Bradford, or if you want to go on the other side of the ball, Ndonkeykong Suh. 2009: Stafford.

Back in 2008 there was no quarterback "worthy" of the number one pick. The Dolphins went with Jake Long, Left Tackle. Now five years later, they simply let Long walk in free agency because he was demanding too much money for his second contract. The Chiefs follow in the 2008 Dolphins footsteps by picking a Left Tackle because there's no Quarterback worth a shot (plus we already traded for Alex Smith). The Rams picked second in 2008 and they went with Howie Long's son Chris. The Falcons at 3 picked Matt Ryan...so, hey Dolphins, wanna try that 2008 pick again?

I'm not saying that E.J. Manuel or Geno Smith is going to be Matt Ryan, but I don't think a Left Tackle is going to have enough impact to warrant the pick. I mean, this Fisher guy needs to basically be a hall-of-fame Left Tackle. He needs to be like Orlando Pace who was so good he made Mike Martz look smart. Any offensive coordinator would look smart calling plays down to Kurt Warner with him standing behind Pace and throwing to Holt and Bruce and Faulk. So if Fisher is that great. Alright, that might be okay. But...if Fisher is THAT great, why was there not a consensus on who was the best Left Tackle in the draft? Three LTs went in the first four picks, and up till the draft, most seemed to think Joeckel was the best tackle. What's more likely: there are 2 or 3 amazing, hall-of-fame caliber left tackles at the top of the draft? Or there are 3 pretty good left tackles, maybe one is hall-of-fame caliber, one will be mediocre, and one will be a bust?

This guy was drafted 6th overall in 2009.
Look how Athletic he is. 

In 2009, the Lions took Matt Stafford with the first pick and the Rams took Tackle Jason Smith with the 2nd pick. I recall many people suggesting that the Lions should take Jason Smith, because any quarterback picked by this 0-16 team would be murdered trying to stand in the pocket, so you need to get that left tackle this year and try for a quarterback next year. That's how good Jason Smith was supposed to be. He went second to the Rams, and guess what, he's not even a Ram anymore. They only had him for three years. He's on his third team after being drafted in 2009.

Any draft pick can be a bust, we have no idea who will be good. There are guys who seem amazing and destined for greatness that completely fail. There are undrafted guys in Canton. It happens. So if that's the case, if every draft pick is a lottery ticket, then shouldn't you treat them accordingly? If you can trade down and turn one lottery ticket into 3 lottery tickets, shouldn't you do it? Of course, the 1st pick is a better lottery ticket than the 30th, but they're both lottery tickets nonetheless.

Sweet block Branden.

Let's go back to the 2008 Dolphins. They took Jake Long 1st overall. Eight Left Tackles were drafted in the first round that year. If the Dolphins didn't take Jake Long, instead they took Matt Ryan, then they took the best Left Tackle with the first pick in round two, then they might have gotten the 8th left tackle taken (If the Dolphins don't take Long, then you could plausibly shift each tackle down a spot, so only 7 go in the first round). So the Dolphins get Matt Ryan, and then at the top of the second round they get the 8th Left Tackle, who was Duane Brown, who made the pro-bowl last season as the left tackle for the Texans. Arguably, the Texans got the better deal. They just re-signed Brown to a 6 year extension, and his rookie contract was for less money than Jake Long got. So if the 8th Left Tackle and the First Left Tackle are a toss-up, then why would the Dolphins waste all the leverage of the 1st overall pick? They could have had Matt Ryan and a pro-bowl left tackle in 2008.


Let's get back to the Chiefs. There they are, sitting at #1, staring into the abyss. Three Left Tackles would go in the first four picks. They're drafting a Left Tackle because they want to get rid of Branden Albert, a capable Left Tackle that has a history of back injuries and is demanding too much money for a long term deal. So the Chiefs were shopping Albert in a trade to the Dolphins to replace Jake Long who left in free agency. It sounded before the draft like they were haggling over which of the Dolphins second round picks would serve as compensation for Albert. No deal was done, and now the Chiefs have Albert and Fisher. Albert has said he won't move to the right side. So the Chiefs might move Albert over anyway, or have Fisher play right tackle for a year, and then move him to left tackle when Albert walks in free agency. Either way, you've used the number one overall pick to somehow not really improve your team. If they do manage to trade Albert before this season, we might see an improvement from Albert to Fisher, but there's no guarantee of that. What they should do now is hang on to both until at least camp, then if they can see that Fisher is clearly better, trade Albert to a team that needs a tackle, waiting up until the end of pre-season, hoping that some starting Left tackle somewhere in the league goes down for the season. The Chiefs would then be able to get a 2nd rounder in the 2014 draft. But after seeing how poorly the Chiefs handled the Alex Smith trade, I'll bet they do something much dumber than that.

So what should they have done?

On Thursday, the first round kicked off with the Chiefs on the clock and the whole draft class is their oyster. They can get any player they want. OR, they can trade down and turn this best lottery ticket into several lottery tickets. They hold the following picks:

1st
63rd
96th
99th
plus a 5th rounder, 2 6th rounders, and a 7th rounder



The Raiders traded down from 3 to 12, as the Dolphins moved up to get Dion Jordan. To make that move, from 12 up to 3, the Dolphins gave the Raiders the 42nd overall pick. So that's what it costs to move up 9 spots.

Dion Jordan

The Arizona Cardinals were desperate to bolster one of the worst offensive lines in football. They had the 7th overall pick, and yet at 7, they could only get the 4th best Left Tackle in the draft, and so they instead picked the best Guard available. This is a huge mistake, Guards just don't have the value to be taken here. The last time a Guard went in the Top 10 was in 1997. The Saints picked Chris Naeole 10th. Tony
Gonzalez went three picks later. Tarik Glenn, a Left Tackle went 19th in that draft, and he was the anchor of the Colts for a decade, retiring after they won the Super Bowl a decade later. Guards just don't have the value because even a great guard isn't all that much better than a mediocre guard. Compare this to Quarterback, where a great QB is a huge difference over a mediocre QB. You win championships with elite Quarterbacks, not with guards.

So the Chiefs arrange a trade with Arizona. They swap the 7th and 1st picks, in exchange, the Cardinals send the Chiefs their 2nd rounder (45th overall), which you can see is actually less compensation than the Raiders got for the 3rd pick. So I'll say the Cardinals have to give up a bit more. They also send KC their 3rd round pick (69 overall) and the Chiefs send back their first pick in the 4th round (99th pick).

The Cardinals take the best Tackle in their estimation, which might be Fisher or Joeckel. The Jaguars at 2 take whoever the Cardinals don't take. At 3, the Raiders traded down with Miami so the Dolphins could get Dion Jordan. In reality, the Rams traded up to 8, swapping first rounders with the Bills to get WR Tavon Austin. The Rams are desperate to get receivers for Bradford to throw to. So let's say the Chiefs get the same deal Buffalo got, and the Chiefs move down from 7 to 16. In exchange, the Rams sent Buffalo the 46th overall pick, they swapped 3rd round picks, (Bills had 71, Rams had 78), and the Rams sent their 7th rounder. So basically the Bills dropped 8 spots in the 1st round, and 7 spots in the third round, in exchange for an extra 2nd rounder. Let's have the Chiefs make the same deal.

Now the Chiefs have the following picks:

16th (from Rams)
45th (from Cardinals)
46th
63rd
78th
96th
plus a 5, 2 6's and 2 7's

In Walrus we Trust.

At 16 they trade down again. San Francisco traded up from 31 to 18 with Dallas, giving up the 74th overall pick. So let's say that the Chiefs make that same deal for swapping 31 to 16. So that 15 spot move is worth the 74th pick.

Chiefs now hold

31
45
46
63
78
96
plus a 5, 2 6's and 2 7's.

The Vikings traded up into the tail end of the first round to get WR Cordarelle Patterson. The New England Patriots and Darth Belichick, knowing that draft picks are lottery tickets, often trade back and turn one pick into many. They also have been to 5 Super Bowls in the last 12 years, and only missed the playoffs twice in that stretch (going 9-7 in 2002, and 11-5 in 2008 with Matt Cassel) That's 11 seasons with 10+ wins in 12 years, and the one exception was a 9-7 performance. So maybe those guys know how to draft, and they are notorious for trading down down down.

Well the Vikings moved up to get New England's 29th overall pick. In exchange, the Vikings sent the Patriots their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 7th round picks (52,83,102, and 229).

We've got the Chiefs sitting at 31, and the Vikings were moving up from 52 to 29, and probably were making the move to get ahead of Baltimore at 32 (who lost Anquan Boldin). So let's say the Chiefs get the same deal. They move down from 31 to 52 and pick up 3 picks for their trouble.

Day 1 ends without the Chiefs making a pick, despite being on the clock 4 times. Instead of just Eric Fisher, who they'll use to replace Branden Albert, thus making the team not all that much better, they have acquired many lottery tickets. I'll have them hang on to Branden Albert, and use some of these extra picks to take some Left Tackles with these lottery tickets later in the draft.

As Day 1 ends, the Chiefs have the following:

45
46
52
63
78
83
96
102
plus a 5th, 2 6ths and 3 7ths.

Before Day 2 stars, the Chiefs package some of these picks together to trade toward the top of round 2. After trades, they look like this:

Geno the Chief

35 (a move up from 45 for the 96th pick)
37 (moving up from 46 for the 102nd pick)
52
63
78
83
plus a 5, 2 6's and 3 7's)

Zach Ertz

Finally the Chiefs start making picks. At 35, I have them take QB Geno Smith (Who was actually drafted 39th). He'll compete with Alex Smith. Maybe he'll become great. Maybe not. It's a crap-shoot afterall, but the Chiefs come out of this draft with arguably the best Quarterback in the class. Not bad for the 35th pick.

With their first pick after Fisher, they took a tight end, but not someone who was all that highly rated. Instead, I have them use the 37th pick on Zach Ertz, the 2nd rated Tight End (who was actually drafted 35th).

In reality, they used their third choice on running back Knile Davis, who in his senior season averaged 3.4 yards per carry. WOW, this guy must be amazing to get 3 yards a carry in college. Instead of taking Knile Davis, they take Montee Ball at 52 (who actually went 58 to the Broncos). Montee Ball was a 2-time Consensus All-American in college. He rushed for 77 TDs and over 5000 yards in
college.

Montee Ball

At 63 the Chiefs actually took Tight End Travis Kelce. I've already had them take a TE in this draft, so they don't take a TE. Instead I have them take WR Keenan Allen, who was projected by some to be a first rounder. He slipped to the Chargers at 76 in reality.

At 78, I have the Chiefs take Damontre Moore DE/OLB, who actually went 81 to the Giants.

Keenan Allen

At 83 I'll have the Chiefs take whoever they think the best Tackle is, either David Bakhtiari (who went 109th) or Brennan Williams (who went 89th).

Then with their 6 remaining late round choices they can grab the same guys they really did, plus 2 more.

So here's a summary of the difference between what would have happened if I was running the Chiefs and what actually happened:

They drafted:

1-1 Eric Fisher, Left Tackle, Central Michigan
3-63 Travis Kelce, Tight End, Cincinatti
3-96 Knile Davis, Running Back, Arkansas
4-99 Nico Johnson, Linebacker, Alabama
5-134 Sanders Commings, Cornerback, Georgia
6-170 Eric Kush, Center, California (Pennsylvania)
6-204 Braden Wilson, Fullback, Kansas State

Damontre Moore. I think he majored in Chiropractry. 

7-207 Mike Catapana, Defensive End, Princeton

And are probably going to get rid of Branden Albert for maybe a 2nd or 3rd rounder next draft. Or they'll use him this year and then get nothing for him as he leaves in free agency.

I drafted:

2-35 Geno Smith, Quarterback, West Virginia
2-37 Zach Ertz, Tight End, Stanford
2-52 Montee Ball, Running Back, Wisconsin
3-63 Keenan Allen, Wide Receiver, Cal
3-78 Damontre Moore, DE/OLB, Texas A&M
3-83 David Bakhtiari, Tackle, Colorado

Brennan Williams

+ the real late rounders

5-134 Sanders Commings, Cornerback, Georgia
6-170 Eric Kush, Center, California (Pennsylvania)
6-204 Braden Wilson, Fullback, Kansas State
7-207 Mike Catapana, Defensive End, Princeton

and an extra 6 and 7.

6- Kenjon Barner, Running Back, Oregon

and another Tackle in the 7th round. 

Which Chiefs team would be better off in 2013? 

I think my team, with Alex Smith competing against Geno Smith (who can take over in a year Kaepernick-style), with Jamaal Charles, Bowe, Moeaki, a pretty solid offensive line, PLUS Keenan Allen, Zach Ertz, and Montee Ball should make for a pretty productive offense. Add in Kenjon Barner and McCluster to mix things up, maybe Jon Baldwin can finally do something. They should be able to put some points on the board.

Kenjon Barner

Instead, we've got just Alex Smith, nobody of any quality to compete with him, and no long-term answer at QB. The offensive line might be better, but no real improvement in terms of weapons for the offense, and just some boring late round picks to fill holes. I think we would be better off. 

tl;dr

If you use the 1st overall pick to trade down multiple times, you could essentially make this trade: 

Give Up:

Eric Fisher 

Travis Kelce

Knile Davis

Nico Johnson

Get:

Geno Smith
Zach Ertz
Montee Ball
Keenan Allen
Damontre Moore
David Bakhtiari
+ 2 late round picks


How does that trade sound?